Clareified

DUMBEST HEADLINE, POSSIBLY, EVER

Prosecution Portrays Jackson As Molester.

No kidding. Isn't that what he's charged with? On the other hand "Prosecution admits trial simply ruse to meet the King of Pop'...now that would be a headline.

I NEED A ZARIY BONRELAXER IN A JIF

How to win big at Scrabble in one easy step.

Of course, in my own defense, Rick so started it with his: "There is a person who is lax and then a person who is laxer."

OSCAR 2005 IS...

Chris Rock is funny as hell.

Morgan Freeman is grace personified.

Halle Berry is the woman.

Robin Williams is crazy in a good way.

Drew Barrymore is in desperate need of a new stylist.

Beyonce is smoking hot.

Cate Blanchett is long overdue.

Adam Sandler is officially fat.

Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz is Hollywood's next 'It Couple.'

Jake Gyllenhall is not attractive bald.

Antonio Banderas is...a singer?

Prince is a sexy mother-- shut yo mouth.

Natalie Portman is in need of a dress that fits.

Samuel L. Jackson is getting old.

Charlie Kaufman is adorable.

Sean Penn is crazy in a bad way.

Hilary Swank is annoying.

Annette Bening is pissed the hell off.

Chad Lowe is glad for the chance to be seen again.

Oprah is amazing.

Jamie Foxx is endearing.

Clint Eastwood is the man.

Martin Scorsese is going to kill himself.

Julia Roberts is so yesterday.

Clint Eastwood's mom is...well...alive. DYYYAAAMMMM.

*****UPDATE*****: Candace has gone elementary school teacher on my ass, and corrected this post to her liking. Let's just say, there is a lot of red pen usage.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"Dawn likes her coffee like Rick likes his Dawns."

--Rick Blaine's wife, formerly known as "Ilsa" on my daily no milk, no sugar cup of joe.

On an unrelated note, I would like to take this opportunity and say to pearatty: Heh.

Up Next: The Lost City of Atlantis

Rick Blaine after flipping through ten or so songs on poddy:

"Oh my God, you have cripplingly bad taste in music."

So, there it is. I have found the Rick/Karol common ground.

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

Dawn Summers on location at Rick's Cafe Americain headquarters

To the good people responsible for sign making in the greater Oakland area, in the interest of motorist safety, if a certain entrance ramp leads both to 880 East and 880 West, it's probably a good idea for the sign marker on that ramp to simply read "880" rather than "880 West" causing a motorist looking for 880 East to almost make a U-turn on the single lane ramp and get him or herself killed by oncoming traffic.

That is all.

DAWN SUMMERS SOCCER MOM

In preparation for my trip out West, I spent all of last week uploading pretty much every CD I own to my ipod (which I affectionately call "poddy"). Since I was renting a car and would be driving all around a place where I didn't know any radio stations, I wanted to make sure I'd have musical entertainment for my plane and car journeys. The night before I left, I went to Tower Records and picked up one of the Maxell tape deck converters so I could play Poddy in the car and I charged her to the max, so she'd last the whole plane ride.

Poddy worked like a charm on the place. Without fumbling around my carryon for unlabelled mix CDs until I found the one I wanted, I just played my "recently added" playlist. I lip synched and chair danced for two hours before the movie and two hours after. My seat neighbor may have been slightly frightened, but I had a blast.

When I reached the Hertz agency -- which if you've ever rented a car at the San Francisco airport, you know is about a 30 minute commute for the terminal, by foot and monorail -- I checked in to make sure my secretary had reserved a car for me.

"Yes, Ms. Summers. We have you down for a mid-size vehicle."

Perfect.

"Would you like to upgrade?"

"Is it free?"

"Well, your company has a special rate, but for a full-size or SUV it would be a little more."

"No thanks. I just need a car with a tape deck."

"Well, ma'am, most of our cars actually have CD players now."

"Umm...but I need a car with a tape. So, just give me one of the ones with a tape deck."

"Well, we have CD players."

"Yes, I know. But do you have any with tape players?"

By now, having exceeded the allotted time for handling a car rental, we had attracted the attention of the rental agency manager.

"Is there anything I can help you with?"

"Well, I just need a car with a tape deck, not a CD player."

"Oh, did you only bring tapes with you?"

"No...I have an ipod and the only adapter is a tape based one."

"James, can you call downstairs and see if they can locate a car with a tape deck."

Through the telephone receiver, I could hear a gruff voice say something to the effect that to his knowledge none of his staff were from the planet Krypton and without the benefit of X-ray vision there was no way for him to tell which cars had a tape player.

James slowly hung up the phone and flashed a nervous smile to his supervisor.

"Ma'am, we have many new cars. They are all 2005 models."

"Yes, I'm sure, but I will rent the 1995 model if it means I get a tape player. Basically, I want a tape player, ideally there would be a car around it -- but playing my ipod is the most important thing."

His supervisor suggested that he check the features guide for larger cars to see if maybe they had both.

"How about the Outback?"

After tapping the keyboard for a few minutes, he looked up:

"Well, it doesn't say it doesn't have a tape player."

"What does that mean?"

"Ummm....well, it could have a tape player."

Yes, I'm sure and it could fly, but how about we find out.

Evidently, using her powers of telepathy, his supervisor jumped in before I uttered a word.

"James, call down and see if they can send someone to check the car."

Five minutes later the call came back from downstairs.

"I'm sorry, ma'am."

Dammit.

"We're really sorry about this, but we'll give you the Outback for no extra charge, how about that?"

"Fine."

Now, understand, when I said "Fine" I expected the "Outback" to be some kind of four wheel drive, bright red SUV-type vehicle -- however, when I got down to the parking lot and triple-checked to make sure this was really lot 233 -- I was staring at nothing less than your American nightmare.

Parked in lot 233 was an oversized beige station wagon, large enough for a family of 8. Where the trunk should be was a third back seat that had to be pushed down to make room for -- I don't know, groceries and little Timmy's baseball equipment.

Of course, after having already spent forty minutes renting the damn thing, there was no way I was going back upstairs to trade it in.

I climbed into the driver's seat, adjusted the seat, started the engine and left all remnants of my hip young self in the rental agency parking.

Hopefully, I can pick it up when I return the car.

Now, what the hell do middle aged women listed to? On the radio.

INQUIRING MINDS

Is everyone as dangerous behind the wheel of a rental car as I am?

Like you spend a few minutes trying to figure out how to adjust your mirrors, fail and just pull out figuring, 'eh, it's good enough. Hopefully, there won't any small vehicles on the road?"

Or shouting "oops" when you realize you haven't quite moved your foot far enough over and end up hitting the edge of the accelarator again, instead of the brakes?

Or thinking "wow, this wheel is really sensitive" after ending up two lanes left of where you where aiming?

No?

Ok, well, if you're in the Berkeley area watch out of the 2005 beige Hatchback, lord knows the driver can't see you.

AND FOUND

That was the best hour of television I have seen all year. Damn. As for that stupid piece or crap kid, hopefully whatever ate the pilot gets him. And his little dog too.

MORE LIKE EVERY CHILD LEFT BEHIND

Bi-partisan panel criticizes President Bush cure-all legislation.

MICHAEL JACKSON'S GOT HIS JURY

"The racial and ethnic breakdown appeared to be: seven whites, four Hispanics and one Asian."

Yeah, that's pretty much what his racial and ethnic breakdown appears to be as well.

via Gib.

HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAH

I am so one of those people who sing songs for years without ever really knowing the words -- basically humming, but with words of, evidently, my own choosing. Over the years I've amassed some favorites:

When you get caught
Between the world and new york city
I know it’s crazy but it’s true
If you get caught
Between the world and new york city
The best that you can do
The best that you can do
Is fall in love

or

The heart of rock and roll is Tibetan (Ti-beat-an)(I likely saw the word Tibetan somewhere before I knew about the country Tibet (or how to pronounce it) and how unlikely it is that rock 'n' roll's heart would be there)

and of course,

Papa don’t preach, I’m in trouble please
Papa don’t preach, I'm in Loser Sea
But I made up my mind, I’m keeping my baby, oh
I’m gonna keep my baby, mmm...

Well, now I can add, the Boss:
I was uploading Springsteen's greatest hits and I wondered what the song "Brilliant Disguise" was. Well, lo and behold I was very familiar with it, except I thought the words were:
"Is that youuuuu baby, or just a bridge in disguise?"

HAHHAHAHAHHHAHAHAH, I kill me.

GOING BACK TO CALI

Well, I missed the Christo exhibit this weekend due to the unexpected snow dump on the tri-state area (Dear L.A.: please keep your Pacific storms to yourself.) and then spent an hour Monday digging my poor baby out from under it. (Isn't she puhrty?)


Evidently, New York's in for another blast tomorrow night, so I am suddenly pysched that I've got a business conference on the Left Coast this weekend and should be on a flight heading for Berkeley tomorrow afternoon.

F.Y.I.

I received an e-mail with the following paragraph:

This email is going out to
pretty
much all the friend's I've ever had (provided we're still on good terms
and I have your email address on record), because I want to invite YOU
to
my house to welcome me into my next decade!!! I am planning a full
weekend party -- crash space provided! -- with games, movies, food, and
whatever else. Heck, if we want to move some furniture around, we could
have a dance party in my living room and dining room, for all I care
(maybe the crystal chandelier could refract light like a disco
ball...)!

So, as a service to my readers, I want you all to be aware that there are people who think: 'Go fuck yourself...hard' is ending things on "good terms," given that was the last line of the last e-mail I sent this guy four years ago.

Go figure.

Well, like they say: the more you know.

Clareified: All about education and information. We now resume our PG rated posts, already in progress.

MANHATTAN D.A. SUGGESTS HOME POKER GAMES LEGAL

Apparently the ritzy gambling lounge, which sits above an Off-Track Betting shop in the W. 70s and accommodates about 100 players, is well-known to local wealthy business types.

But that doesn't necessarily make it legal: Because the owners take a percentage of every table's "rake," it likely constitutes a felony.

"The law says that if there is a house, someone making a profit, that is not the same as four or five people getting together and playing a friendly game," explained Manhattan district attorney spokeswoman Barbara Thompson. "Promoting gambling in the first degree is when you engage in bookmaking and receive bets totaling $5,000 or more. That's an E felony, which is up to four years in prison."

As always, this does not constitute legal advice, it's just an article from the Daily News.

Of course, it leads me to wonder about the legality of Party Poker.

COINCIDENCE?

Headlines from CNN five minutes ago:

Bush: 'Ridiculous' to assume U.S. plans Iran attack


Quake flattens villages in Iran, 400 dead

Which of course begs the question...where was Karl Rove at 5:55 this morning?

24

When Curtis told MaryAnne that Henry Powell was in CTU custody and asked her if she wanted to "say hello", I totally thought they were going to pull a 'Weekend at Bernie's' and pretend Powell was still alive, so that she'd reveal what she knows to him.

Oh, well.

And what's with Behrooz pulling a Charlie and shooting an unarmed man that everybody wanted to interrogate?

And this week's time warp: at approximately, 4:43:20 Heller says that ten minutes ago Jack asked him to reinstate Tony, but Tony only agreed to return at approxiamately 4:38:27.

MY STOMACH HURTS

From laughing so hard:

"We recognize that reform will not happen overnight," Mr. Bush said in the grand setting of Concert Noble, a 19th century hall. "We must always remind Russia, however, that our alliance stands for a free press, a vital opposition, the sharing of power and the rule of law - and the United States and all European countries should place democratic reform at the heart of their dialogue with Russia."

Sigh.

NOT SO RANDOM THOUGHT

Few things say "gay" like screaming "I'm not gay" to someone who has just caught you making out with another guy.

SERIOUSLY

How cute is Hillary Clinton?
On President Bush's meeting with Vladimir Putin:

"Well, Tim, I'm hopeful the Prsident won't just look into his soul, but perhaps convey a very strong case against some of the moves that President Putin has been making."

SMOKING KILLS

Apparently, so does the smoking ban.

IT'S NOT MINE, OFFICER, IT'S THE DOG'S

Matthew Porter and two friends were playing Frisbee golf in a park Monday when a police officer who thought he smelled burning marijuana began questioning them.
As the officer was checking for outstanding warrants, J.D. waded into a nearby creek and emerged with a plastic bag containing the drug.
Porter, 25, was charged with possessing drug paraphernalia. Micah Hays, 24, was charged with marijuana possession. J.D. was turned over to the third person at the park, who faces no charges.

I swear!

A NIGHTMARE, ON MY STREET

I usually don't watch horror movies.
It's not because the movies themselves scare me -- with the exception of the freakishly frightening '28 Days,' most horror flick fare is way tamer than your average episode of CSI.
No, I try not to watch horror movies because I have an peculiar ability to take the premise of a horror flick and turn it over in my head, expanding the storyline and intensifying the depravity, until I have scared myself to death. (I do it with all movies actually, I have this whole extended plot line for 'When Harry Met Sally' that involves one of their children getting addicted to heroine that'd make you weep.)
Call it, Imagination Fanfic before there was such a thing.
I mean, Jason's hockey mask killings aren't so scary, but if you imagine that the evil isn't in Jason, but in the mask and that one of the "Jasons" finally figures that out and begins mass producing them and anyone whose face gets fitted with the mask becomes a killer -- well, then a five-year long aversion to Halloween and hockey suddenly doesn't seem so irrational.
So, not surprisingly, a few days after I saw 'Pet Sematary' I was lying in bed thinking about the movie.
Why was the cemetary name misspelled? Someone had to help the kids make the sign, right? I mean kids aren't cutting wood all by themselves and climbing ladders to hang the signs...or were they?
Whether I fell asleep before I started imagining the whole town of these dead child carpenters or if they were the last conscious thoughts I had before drifting off, I can't say with certainity.
But sure enough, moments later I was suddenly in that stupid town investigating the disappearance of Dr. Creed.
Evidently, we had a meeting scheduled and when he didn't show I took a flight out to see what had happened. Finding his house deserted, I went across the street and discovered the rotting corpse of Fred Gywnne's character.
I stumble backwards out of the room (as all good horror movie soon-to-be-next-victims do) and end up running downstairs into his basement. The room is filled with old leather journals. I open one up and find that all the pages have the same message scrawled desperately across the pages "Dead is better. Dead is better. Dead is better."
I scream and run back upstairs. But the basement door is locked.
I go back to the basement and smash one of the windows.
"Not fair. Not fair," says a voice from the top of the stairs.
"Who's there? "
Now, I'm panicking.
I know who it is.
That freaking creepy demon baby --Gage.
But I can't see him anywhere.
Suddenly I feel a sharp pain in my ankle. I look down and see a syringe sticking out of my leg and demon baby cackling at my feet.
The next thing I know, I'm lying on a table -- presumably built by the zombie child carpenters because my arms and legs are strapped in.
I am completely paralyzed by whatever was in the syringe. But I can, for some reason, telepathically communicate with the demon baby.
"Where's Dr. Creed?" I think demandingly.
"Oh, you'll see him sooooon," demon baby hisses.
"Why is dead better?"
"Oh, I don't think it isssssssss,"
This is no good. I want out. I try to wake up. Gage is crawling toward me with the knife.
I start to pray.
"God, doesn't live here. HAHAHHAHAHAAHHHAA" Demon baby was getting closer.
I tried to shake myself awake, but I couldn't move. Damn those zombie kids and their superior carpentry skills.
Finally I screamed as loud as I could and heard a weak murmur.
I'm doing it! I'm waking up.
I screamed again and turned from side to side.
My voice was getting a little louder. Demon baby raised the knife above his head.
I screamed. That did it. I bolted upright in my bed.
Surrounded by the darkness of my room, I could make out the figures of my dresser, my bookcase, my stereo. The radiator pipes were clanging, the TV had a weird glow about it.
I am not safe here.
I got out of bed and creeped into the hallway.
"Mommy?"
"Mommy!"
"Hmm"
"Are you sleeping?"
"What happened?"
"Umm...a demon is trying to kill me."
"What kind of demon?"
"A baby demon. I mean a demon baby. It died and now it's a zombie baby and it wants to kill me because I know."
"Ok."
"Can I sleep in here? I think it's coming up through the radiator in my room."
"Ok."
"Mommy, can I sleep on that side? This side's too close to my room."
"Nothing is going to happen to you. What does the demon baby look like?"
"Umm...he's like a baby size. But he walks. He's a white baby and has a knife."
"Ok. See, Dawn no white baby is coming to this neighborhood at 2 in the morning."
"I don't know. I don't think he's scared."
"Ok, go to sleep. I'll watch for the baby."
"OK. But he stuck me with a needle and then they tied me to a table. So...I don't know...be careful. He looks like a baby, but he's not. He's evil."
I couldn't see my mother's face in the darkness, but she was smiling now and I knew if I said another word of caution about the demon baby, she would start laughing.
"OK, say your prayers and go to sleep."
I guess she doesn't know that God doesn't live in the demon baby town.
"Goodnight, Dawn."
"Night, mom. "
I feel asleep easily knowing my mom was just a few inches away ready to take out Gage and his little zombie carpenter army.
My mom's pretty awesome.
Sadly, considering all of this happened yesterday, I, on the other hand, am probably in need of some considerable pyschiatric assistance.

N.H.L. Commissioner Cancels Season!!!!

And still, no one gives a crap.

The Trial Of My Utter Lack of Desire to Do a Damn Thing

Dawn Summers: So. We meet again?
MULODTDADT: (Shrug)
DS: Can I call you Mulo?
MULODTDADT: (Yawn)
DS: I'm sorry. Are you tired? Well, if you had made any effort at all to find the remote, which is likely under the bed, we wouldn't have had to sleep with the television on all night. Or you could have shut it off on the way to the bathroom like I suggested after we were woken up by a Bowflex commercial for the fifth time.
MULODTDADT: (Nods)
DS: Now, Mulo, is there any possibility that you could actually become something more trendy like AHDD or Seasonal Affective Disorder? I think you get some time off to treat those. Generalized laziness, like yourself, on the other hand just elicits reproaching stares.
MULODTDADT: (inaudible)
DS: Well, do you think you could try to be more European and pretentious? Like 'ennui' or something?
MULODTDADT: (indistinct)
DS: True. I could add the word 'syndrome' to my utter lack of desire to do a damn thing' and try to get the disease named after me.
MULODTDADT: (Scratches.)
DS: Mulo, I am going to need you to answer my questions verbally. These proceedings are being transcribed and every time the reporter types a colon with your parenthetical non-responses, an unhappy smiley face appears in the record. That is not your intention is it, Sir?
MULODTDADT: (frowning)
DS: Sir, you stand accused of slowly draining the lifeforce from a once vibrant young woman, intentional infliction of subpar posting an unsuspecting blog-reading public, negligence, assault, fraud and piracy. I admonish you to take this seriously. Do you understand? Mulo? MULO! WAKE UP!
MULODTDADT: (blinks)
DS: Damn you. No further questions.

EXPERIMENTING WITH INSANITY

Calling Mulder and Scully...Paul thinks somethings afoot with "The Gates."

NO COMMENT

Actually, I take that back. What the hell?

Aura dropped her 5-month-old daughter, Nataly, during the explosion of violence in Brentwood that left the baby's young mother dead and father charged with murder.

The slaughter ended a twisted love triangle in which Urbina, 29, began a sexual relationship with the girl after her mother, Maria Cardona, 43, dumped him for being abusive.
The slaying came just two months after Urbina was deported to his native Honduras after being convicted of statutory rape, prosecutors said.

She was 14 when he got her pregnant, but both Aura and Cardona pleaded with a judge not to sentence him to jail, according to court records.

ISN'T HE LOVELY

Let me get this straight: I get Scrubs, then Clay Aiken guest starring, then a Scrubs within a Scrubs and then Clay Aiken singing??? Could this day be any better?

Don't think so.

B.Y.O.L.T.

(Or Bring Your Own Lit Torch for those of you not up on the IM lingo.)

While many are calling for a renewed commitment to prevention efforts and free condoms, some veterans of the war on AIDS are advocating an entirely new approach to the spread of unsafe sex, much of which is fueled by a surge in methamphetamine abuse. They want to track down those who knowingly engage in risky behavior and try to stop them before they can infect others.

Maybe they'll find the "real killers" along the way. Ooh and Jimmy Hoffa.

SIGH

Fifteen-year-old may get life for murders committed when he was twelve.

Defense attorneys urged the jury to send a message to the nation by blaming Zoloft for the killings. They said the negative effects of Zoloft are more pronounced in youngsters, and the drug affected Pittman so he did not know right from wrong.
"We do not convict children for murder when they have been ambushed by chemicals that destroy their ability to reason," attorney Paul Waldner said.
But prosecutors called the Zoloft defense a smokescreen, saying the then-12-year-old Pittman knew exactly what he was doing three years ago when he shot his grandparents, torched their house and then drove off in their car.

So how young is too young to be put on trial for your life?

AND JUST LIKE THAT....A NEW QUOTE OF THE DAY

It's a silly fucking award show and to have Drudge shrieking like a overzealous teenage Christian fundamentalist is almost as fucking retarded as Drudge using exclamation marks to declare that Rock, during a show, used more than 35 fucking f-words in a minute!!!!

Stop. You're. Killing. Me.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"My name is Dawn and it has been four days since my last hand of poker."

24

Hands down the best episode of the Season. Who knew a nuclear-plant meltdown could be so sad? It happens on the 'The Simpsons' a couple of times a season and the worst thing that happens is that they send Homer to college again for a refresher course.

CAN JOHN BE FAR BEHIND?

Teresa drops 'Kerry' from her name.

via Michael "Happy to be Single on Valentine's Day" Parker

I GUESS THIS IS WHY THE 7/11 HAS LOCKS ON THE DOOR

Your Westlaw session will be temporarily disrupted at 11:44 CST. Please be prepared to sign off at that time. If you wish to continue your research session, sign off Westlaw and then reconnect. Westlaw is available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

So, I guess I'm going to bed.

SINCE BUSH PLANS TO CUT AFTER-SCHOOL PROGRAM FUNDING

Better sign the kids up for jobs at Walmart.

Department officials said they were preparing a news release and were waiting for Wal-Mart to pay the $135,540 before making the settlement public.

In the settlement, Wal-Mart agreed not to employ any worker under age 14 and agreed to prohibit any employee under 18 from operating cardboard balers. It also agreed to post a notice on each cardboard baler saying that minors may not use or touch the balers. Wal-Mart also agreed to train new store managers about compliance with child labor laws and to provide more training to current managers on the subject.

"We worked with the Department of Labor to strengthen our training and compliance programs," said Gus Whitcomb, a spokesman for Wal-Mart, which is based in Bentonville, Ark. "Again, our focus is to be 100 percent compliant with all applicable laws."

Wal-Mart has faced previous child labor charges. In March 2000, Maine fined the company $205,650 for violations of child labor laws in every one of the 20 stores in the state. In January 2004, a weeklong internal audit of 128 stores found 1,371 instances in which minors apparently worked too late at night, worked during school hours or worked too many hours in a day.

But nevermind that, Zelda wants you to know Walmart provides an "array of goods for the best prices."
Go Walmart, indeed.

Go.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

According to a new poll, Democrats are favoring Hillary Clinton for the Democratic presidential nominee in 2008. Democrats say they are looking for fresh and exciting new way to get their asses handed to them.

-Amy Poehler on SNL's "Weekend Update"

*SIGH*

How many bad beats in a row does it take before one quits playing?

QUOTE OF THE SEASON

"You both missed big. You both sucked."

-Donny Deutsch on the ad campaigns designed by the two teams. Now, if he had just used the present tense, he would have gotten quote of the year.

MAKE THAT TWO BABIES

Gunman kills two-year-old.

DEAR REPUBLICAN PARTY LEADERSHIP:

Please, please, PLEASE run Condi Rice for President in '08.
Please? I'll be your friend.

WOMAN MAY LOSE SON FOR FALSE POLICE REPORT

Under Florida law, a parent or relative can turn a newborn over to authorities with no questions asked during the first three days of his or her life.
"The only charge I can think of charging against [Pokriots] would be making a false police report," the sheriff said.
Pokriots learned she was pregnant a couple of months ago, he said. He described her as a large woman, noting that the pregnancy may not have shown as early as it may have on someone else.
Pokriots was taken to a hospital Friday and committed for observation "at our urging," he said.
Authorities will seek court permission to take the infant as well as another son, who is 10, into state custody, he said. In her statement, she has made clear she wants to give up the infant, Jenne said.

Very curious. I also note that her earlier story included a black man throwing the baby out of the car.

ONE OF THOSE ZEN QUESTIONS

If seven bloggers play poker till Midnight, but no one posts about it, did it really happen?

UPDATE: I just heard the sound.

THIS DOES NOT CONSTITUTE LEGAL ADVICE

Evidently, the Brooklyn Players Club was raided by the police over the weekend as part of an annual raid on "bookie" activity. All of the poker players who were there at the time were also busted. They were reportedly either charged with midemeanors or with a violation "loitering with the intent to gamble." The dealers were charged with 2 misdemeanor charges.

Not that I know anyone who frequents these clubs, but, any criminal convictions must be reported to the New York Bar and could result in sanctions against your ability to practice law. I don't know the policies of the Comedians' Board.

WHY ME? NO, REALLY, SOMEBODY EXPLAIN IT. AND QUICK.

My first motion as an attorney was sponsoring a friend of mine for admission into Manhattan's District Court.
That it's even called a motion is funny, since the Court picks one day a month and designates a judge all for the purpose of admitting attorneys into the District Court.
The outcome is way predetermined. You apply, get a sponsor and pay your $150 -- congratulations, you're in. But we're all lawyers and so everything has to be nice and formal like. Suit, shoes, courtroom, judge and motion. My friend and I arrive twenty minutes early. We removed our coats and scarves and took a seat on a bench in the back.
By the time the proceeding began, the courtroom was packed. Every bench between us and the well (the seats and tables where McCoy or Dennie Crane sit on Law & Order and Boston Legal) was full. People started to sit in the jury box and at the litigants tables. The spillover participants stood stoically on the either side of the courtroom.
When the first name was called, something beginning with an A, I turned to my friend and whispered "it's going to be a looooong day."
She laughed and agreed.
My mind wandered off, until moments later I felt a tap on my arm.
My friend was standing up.
"What?"
"I was called."
Oh. Her last name began with B. What the hell? One A last name???? Where are Abraham and Arlety and Atkins when you need them??
I headed up to the podium.
I had no idea what I was supposed to do or say.
Damn me and the dancing clowns in my head. Why hadn't I paid attention?
I stood next to her at the podium and the judge asked for my name.
"Dawn Summers, your honor."
"Isn't Dawn Summers the sponsor?"
"Yes, your honor. I am the sponsor, Dawn Summers."
"Well, I asked for the name of the petitioner."
"Oh, sorry your honor. I thought you wanted my name."
The bench sighed.
I gave him her name.
"OK, proceed."
I started to walk back to my bench -- "proceeding", if you will, to my seat in the back where I could hang my head in shame.
"MS. SUMMERS!"
I jumped.
"Yes, your honor?"
"Proceed with your application on behalf of petitioner."
Holy crap. Holy crap. Holy crap.
I am about to be the first attorney in the history of the world to have their sponsor application denied.
"Ok. Umm...Your honor, please admit Ms. Baka to practice in this court, your honor. Sir. Bench guy."
He asked me some lengthy, multi-claused question about whether I affirmed the character of such and such to uphold blah blah in the something something.
I said I do.
Or yes, sir.
Or aye, aye, Captain.
The room was spinning and it was all pretty hazy at that point.
I heard him grant the motion and I finally wriggled off the hook.
I felt all the eyes in the courtroom follow me to the back.
They really should dig a hole in the floor of all courtrooms which, at the movant's option, he or she can choose to crawl into after a performance like that.
Well, needless to say, I never sponsored anyone at Old LLP ever again.
So, imagine my anxiety when someone at New LLP sent me the following e-mail:
"I'm submitting my application for admission to the SDNY & EDNY courts. I was wondering if you have been admitted to either/both and if so, if you would be willing to sponsor my application?"
Do I get back on that horse? Or do I cut and run?
I called the last person I sponsored, who surprisingly, still speaks to me.
"Hey...um someone asked me to sponsor them for admission to --- hello? Dude, STOP LAUGHING!!!"
That's it, I'm going back in!
Giddy Up.
New LLP woman wanted to get admitted in the Brooklyn District first, our appointment was for 10 this morning. Due to poker last night, I got home really late, so I asked my roommate to call me when she got to work, just to make sure I was up.
At 8:33, I heard the phone ring.
"Hello?"
"I've been calling you for half an hour!"
Oh crap! Must get...out....of....
Minutes later I heard Katie Couric braying from the tv set.
Did she say "the nine o'clock hour" ???
Holy mother!
I jumped in the shower, threw on whatever clothes were closest. I couldn't find two shoes that matched each other, so I grabbed a pair of SANDALS and ran for the busstop.
The wind was blowing so hard and so cold, I knew I would lose a toe or two to frostbite.
I checked my watch: 9:24.
Okay, if I can get on an express bus downtown, I should have plenty of time.
There was a bus waiting at the corner. I didn't see the express sign, so I kept walking. As I got closer, I noticed that the express sign was indeed in the window. I took off running. About a foot away from the front door, I tripped on the sidewalk and went flying.
Oh, this does not bode well.
I scrambled to my feet and got to the bus.
"You didn't have to run, honey. I'm not scheduled to leave the stop for another five minutes. Did you hurt yourself?"
Grrrr.
Look buddy, I don't have five minutes. Move this bus and move it NOW!
"No, I'm fine. Thanks."
Luckily, the express really does go from the ECB to the courthouse in like five stops.
I jumped off the bus and headed for the marble building.
I ran up the stairs. My watch said 9:53.
OK!
I went to pull open the door.
United States Postal Office.
WHAT??
Who puts a post office in a building like this?
Son of A...
I ran back down the stairs and sprinted across the street to the next official looking building down the block.
Bingo!
But now it was 10 A.M.
I took off my coat and shoved it, along with my backpack and purse, through the x-ray machine.
I walked through the metal detector without incident.
"Ma'am. What's that electronics in your bag?"
"My cellphone, I'll check it." I muttered between gasps.
"And what's that in your pocket, looks square."
"My ipod."
"And what's that on the key ring in your purse?"
Is he serious?
"Umm...my keys."
I checked the phone and got directions to the courtroom.
Of course, it was all the way on the other side of the building, on a floor only accessible by the slowest elevator still permitted to carry passengers.
I pulled open the door to the courtroom, out of breath, disheveled, and panicked.
I saw my sponsoree sitting in a row waiting for me.
The place was virtually empty. There were maybe six other people in the room. No judge. Thank God.
"Sorry, I'm late. I got lost."
"Don't worry. Me too, I sent you an e-mail."
Whew.
Ok, I'll be right back."
By now my hair was sticking out all over the place and my skirt had ridden up pretty much over my head thanks to all the running.
When I went back in, I continued to be impressed with how different the Brooklyn court process was from Manhattan's. This is unbelieveable.
About ten minutes later the judge came in.
"Ok, everyone move up front."
The eight of us went to stand in front of his bench.
Ok, I'm ready. This time my sponsoree's name starts with J -- so I was going to pay attention to what the first people did -- funny clowns and their antics be damned.
"Dawn Summers?"
YOU'VE.GOT.TO.BE.KIDDING.ME.WITH.THIS.
"Yes your honor?"
"I have your petition to the court?"
"Umm, no it's not for me, it's for Ms. Jackson."
"Yes, but it's your petition, correct?"
"Uh...yes sir."
"Go ahead."
"Um...I move for Ms. Jackson to be admitted to the Court, sir. Your honorable bench guy."
Sometimes I hate my life.

UMMMM...IS THAT GOOD OR BAD?



Worf

You appear tough and cold, but deep inside you are a hopeless romantic and highly motivated by your emotions and sense of honor and ethics.


Take the Star Trek Quiz

On the one hand, this looks really bad. On the other hand, it sounds kinda good. I know nothing about Star Trek, so a little help here.

via Big Captain Kirkish Michael

QUOTE OF THE DAY

Alan Keyes has reportedly fired his daughter and kicked her out of his house for coming out of the closet.

And one daily kos commenter has this to say:

I hope that Ms. Keyes soon finds a nice, warm place to spend the winter.
And I hope that Mr. Keyes soon finds a nice, warm place to spend eternity.

via Alarming News.

ADD ANOTHER HEAD TO THE BLOGOSPHERE WALL

Jeff Gannon resigns amid questions from bloggers wondering how he got access to classified documents and White House credentials using an alias.

Not much press from the right wing nut side of the aisle, but Slantpoint has some thoughts.

IT'S BEEN EIGHT YEARS SINCE CIV PRO...

But don't federal courts already have this authority?

The bill passed by the Senate this afternoon would give the federal courts the authority to hear class-action suits in which the money at issue is more than $5 million and at least one member of the "class" is from a state different from the defendant.

JURY CONVICTS LYNNE STEWART

Attorney faces 20 years for her work with blind sheik.

NOT THAT I'M TRYING TO GET MYSELF SHOT...

But I liked 50 Cent's "Candy Shop" better when it was "Magic Stick."

More random rap blogging.

CANADA OR BUST?



So Mr. Mogus said the response to the Web site, from all over the United States, had amazed him. Some are drawn by Canada's more tolerant attitude toward same-sex unions, he said, and there are a surprising number of middle-aged professionals.

"My wife and I have talked for a long time about perhaps retiring to a condo in downtown Vancouver," said Frederick Newmeyer, 61, a professor of linguistics at the University of Washington in Seattle. "But the election was the tipping point."

Since it may take all of the two years he has until retirement to get a permanent resident visa, Mr. Newmeyer said he and his wife had hired a lawyer and begun the paperwork.

Canadian officials decide on potential immigrants by awarding points for certain skills or attributes. Being 21 to 49 years old is worth 10 points, for instance. A bachelor's degree is worth 20, a master's 25, with up to 21 points for certain work experience and 24 points for being fluent in English and French. At the moment, 67 points are required to qualify for the visa.

How many points do you get for knowing all the lyrics to 'Lady Marmalade'?

THE LENTEN SEASON

Does the word "fortitude" have anything to do with the word "forty"? Little Catholic children always give up the same things. To their peers they give up homework. To adults they give up candy.

Very cute.

IM BLOGGING

On Roe v. Wade and judicial activism:

Dorian:oh i completely disagree....and in fact, if you had scalia and clarence thomas write hear a review of the merits of roe vs wade, i highly doubt they would it find its justifications air-tight.

Dorian: ignore that rogue "hear"

DawnSummers: you say that as if I wasn't ignoring everything after scalia and clarence thomas, which I was. :-)

Dorian: ha. touche. ;-)

73-year-old Ex Priest May Get Life In Prison

Jury convicts Paul Shanley of child rape.

DEAN WILL WIN DNC CHAIRMANSHIP

I don't really know what this means since the only DNC Chair I really knew was Terry Mcauliffe and really a one-legged, retarded chimpanzee can do better than Terry Mcauliffe.

WELL, I FEEL SAFER

Asked about a possible attack by the United States or Israel, which have both said a nuclear-armed Iran would be unacceptable, Rohani said: "If such an attack (against Iran's atomic facilities) takes place then of course we will retaliate and we will definitely accelerate our activities to complete our (nuclear) fuel cycle." Speaking in a rare interview, Rohani said Iran's ability to produce its own nuclear parts had made it "invulnerable" to attack since it could simply rebuild whatever was destroyed.
"But I do not think the United States itself will take such a risk ... They know our capabilities for retaliating against such attacks," the mid-ranking cleric added.
Iran has ballistic missiles which can hit Israel and U.S. bases in the Gulf and has vowed to retaliate strongly should either country try to repeat Israel's 1981 successful bombing of Iraq's Osirak nuclear reactor.

Four more years, indeed.

THE ALTERNATE SERIES ENDING FOR 'BUFFY'

Includes Kendra and Joyce!
Plus...Anya lives.

SERIOUSLY?

You're in touch with the world, and you have a very
strong opinion on things like politics and war.
Even if you do end up changing your image in
the future, most of us will still like you.


What band from the 80s are you?
brought to you by Quizilla


via Iocaste

LET'S HOPE THE DONALD PICKS HER!

Because unless this season gets real better real fast, the only way I'm watching next season is if I know someone on it.

DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NAME OF THIS SONG?

A part of me is excited
to begin this brand new life
and a part of me is crying
for the past I left behind
but I embrace the brave new future
let all my bridges burn
with vacuous eyes
we watch life's bridges burn
you and I have so much to learn

It's driving me nuts. It was the theme Song from the short-lived 'Class of '96' but no one seems to know who sang it or the name.

COULD HE SAY THAT UNDER OATH?

Michael Jackson to Fox news anchor Geraldo Rivera: "I'm human"

CELEBRITY POKER BLOGGING

Why does Jason Alexander think having sex with him in public would be a reward for playing good poker?

FIRST MAN OF AFRICAN-AMERICAN THEATER DIES

Ossie Davis dead at 87, our hearts go out to Ruby.

BAN ON SAME-SEX MARRIAGE IS UNCONSTITUTIONAL

In New York anyways.

THERE'S THAT NEVER SAY DIE AMERICAN SPIRIT

When the county denied Rieger a liquor license for a bar, he opened a strip club with a juice bar in 2003. When it served a stop order saying a commercial business could not operate in area zoned for agriculture, Rieger went to court and won.

And when 74 percent of the county's voters passed an anti-nudity ordinance in June, Rieger found a loophole that exempted movie theaters. After a two-week hiatus, the club re-emerged as Racehorses Gentlemen's Club and Adult Movie Theatre and has been operating ever since.

Heh.

State of Our Union Not the Worst: Dawn Summers

OK, shhhhh, don't tell anyone, but I actually said "woo" and applauded during the President's speech last night. I looked around to make sure no one was watching and then hit rewind on the DVR, did he really just say what I think he said?

In America we must make doubly sure no person is held to account for a crime he or she did not commit. So we are dramatically expanding the use of DNA evidence to prevent wrongful conviction. Soon I will send to Congress a proposal to fund special training for defense counsel in capital cases, because people on trial for their lives must have competent lawyers by their side.

He sure did.

Wow. The President's taking on prosecutors? Whoa. Now if states would just pay public defenders a decent wage and throw in a red bull or a couple of NO-Doz, we'd be good to go.

Although it was my only outward show of support, there was much internal smiling:

To make our economy stronger and more productive, we must make health care more affordable and give families greater access to good coverage and more control over their health decisions. I ask Congress to move forward on a comprehensive health care agenda, with tax credits to help low-income workers buy insurance, a community health center in every poor county, improved information technology to prevent medical error and needless costs, association health plans for small businesses and their employees, expanded health savings accounts.

Woo.

Now we need to focus on giving young people, especially young men in our cities, better options than apathy, or gangs, or jail. Tonight I propose a three-year initiative to help organizations keep young people out of gangs, and show young men an ideal of manhood that respects women and rejects violence.

Nice.

Because HIV/AIDS brings suffering and fear into so many lives, I ask you to reauthorize the Ryan White Act to encourage prevention, and provide care and treatment to the victims of that disease. And as we update this important law, we must focus our efforts on fellow citizens with the highest rates of new cases, African-American men and women.

Sweet. And to think, just a few months ago Vice President Cheney had never even heard of this problem.

The President finally, finally explained to people how Social Security works:

Our society has changed in ways the founders of Social Security could not have foreseen. In today's world, people are living longer and therefore drawing benefits longer, and those benefits are scheduled to rise dramatically over the next few decades. And instead of 16 workers paying in for every beneficiary, right now it's only about three workers, and over the next few decades, that number will fall to just two workers per beneficiary. With each passing year, fewer workers are paying ever-higher benefits to an ever-larger number of retirees.

So I was very heartened to hear him say that all possibilities were on the table:

Fixing Social Security permanently will require an open, candid review of the options. Some have suggested limiting benefits for wealthy retirees. Former Congressman Tim Penny has raised the possibility of indexing benefits to prices rather than wages. During the 1990's, my predecessor, President Clinton, spoke of increasing the retirement age. Former Senator John Breaux suggested discouraging early collection of Social Security benefits. The late Senator Daniel Patrick Moynihan recommended changing the way benefits are calculated.

Yeah, wow - exactly!!! But of course, this is Bush, so not long after saying the only thing that can be said about social security, we get:

As we fix Social Security, we also have the responsibility to make the system a better deal for younger workers. And the best way to reach that goal is through voluntary personal retirement accounts.

Here is how the idea works. Right now, a set portion of the money you earn is taken out of your paycheck to pay for the Social Security benefits of today's retirees. If you are a younger worker, I believe you should be able to set aside part of that money in your own retirement account, so you can build a nest egg for your own future.

DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDE.

You just said we are going to be down to just two workers paying into the system for every retiree taking out benefits. How in (what was that phrase Gib used now?) blue hell does siphoning out up to 50% of what those two workers (essentially making it now one worker) put in, help anything?

It'll just bankrupt the system faster and harder. Oh, and for the "younger workers" now the only guaranteed benefits they'll get will be this 4% they put aside for themselves, instead of say the 8% that everyone puts in for the benefit of retirees now. It'd be like trading your family trust fund account for an hourly wage at McDonalds's- yeah sure it's yours and you earn it, but when you break a hip it ain't gonna be enough to pay for your groceries.

I also think Bush's SOTU needed some editing, I mean his bit about the "culture of life" was a much better lead-in to his plans for funding a training program for capital defenders than spinning yet another anti-stem cell research yarn. We get it, you want private funding to pay for the medical breakthroughs, not the government. No need to offensively compare stem-cell research to "human life [being] bought and sold as a commodity." This country was built on the backs of actual living, breathing people who were bought and sold as commidties and whipped like cattle and have yet to see any reparations from the government for it. So, Mr. President, as Ari Fleischer so pointedly said "watch what you say."

Next Bush says: For the good of families, children and society, I support a constitutional amendment to protect the institution of marriage.

Huh? So are we making marriage mandatory and permanent now? I don't understand. Does this have to do with gay people? If so, are they not part of families and society?

Dumb. Maybe this was a necessary sop to his political base, but I thought this speech was the State of *Our* Union and he's not running for anything, sooooooo?

Unlike Steve Silver, I mostly like the domestic agenda - let's go with the hybrid fuels, anti-gang programs and increasing pell grants.

However, please keep your plan to create a new indentured serf class of immigrants who have just enough rights to allow them to do the jobs "Americans will not take." (What are these jobs? And what's to stop companies from making sure all jobs are like those non-take worthy jobs so they don't have to pay minimum wages, healthcare or give any benefits -- with the added bonus that if the serfs give them any guff, they'll just revoke the work Visas and ship the "workies" back home? I see Monty Burns tenting his fingers and saying "Excellent" as I type.)

Keep your permanent tax cuts and stupid personal savings accounts -- how about you stop taxing interest in basic savings accounts and increase the federal minimum wage instead? I refer you to the great and wise Iocaste for my feelings on your "tort reform" proposals.

Nice that the Iraqi voter got a seat at the big speech, how about the American voter? Where's the long promised voting reforms right here at home? Do we need another Washington State?

I don't really get the foreign policy. Freedom good, no freedom bad doesn't really cut it. Bush admits he opened a war front in Iraq so that the terrorists would take the fight to us there, rather than here. Since I live here, woo, go us.

But it doesn't seem to be that great a deal for the Iraqis -- plus now they're stuck with purple fingers.

Ewww.

What's this "we'll stand with you" stuff we giving to Iranians? Are we encouraging a revolt? Do we plan to back that with our military? And what about Taiwan?

Foreign affairs are a mess, good luck Secretary Rice.

Of course, I don't believe Bush or this Republican Congress will do any of the good things he mentioned in his speech. I like Harry Reid's rebuttal -- we do need to upgrade of country's infrastructure. I think Pelosi (as always) looked like a deer in the headlights and she needs to be replaced.

All in all, not a bad night.

MAYBE I SHOULD BE WORKING IN TELEVISION

Last October I made a prediction about Jack & Bobby:

Prediction: One and a half seasons or some serious re-tooling which involves killing Missy with Sarin gas and eliminating the talking heads.

Well, talking heads are gone and it looks like Missy's about to be replaced by artsy scoliosis girl. The show's still no good and I doubt it gets renewed, but it's a start.

Oh and I hung in there and was finally rewarded with a good Smallville. Best two and a half years I ever spent.

RABBI GIVES BABIES HERPES

Ten days after Rabbi Yitzhok Fischer performed religious circumcisions on twins last October, one died of herpes and the other tested positive for the virus, according to complaint filed by the health department in Manhattan Supreme Court.

The complaint, reported in Wednesday's edition of the New York Daily News, also said health officials later found a third baby who had contracted herpes after being circumcised by Fischer in late 2003.

Under Jewish law, a mohel someone who performs circumcisions draws blood from the circumcision wound. Most mohels do it by hand, but Fischer uses a rare practice where he uses his mouth.


Not cool, dude, not cool.

FATHER ARRESTED FOR USING STUN GUN ON TEEN

Idiot, he should have just let the Miami Dade police officers take care of it for him.
via the other Rick

WHY I LOVE LEGAL RESEARCH

Excerpt from a case I just found:

Following merchant's ejection of black customer from merchant's place of business, allegedly accompanied by racial epithets, customer and his wife brought action against merchant for intentional infliction of emotional distress, slander, civil rights violations, invasion of privacy, violation of public accommodations law, and loss of consortium on part of wife. The Circuit Court, Oakland County, James S. Thorburn, J., entered summary judgment in favor of merchant, and an appeal was taken. The Court of Appeals, Kaufman, P. J., held that, inter alia: (1) substantial fact issue existed as to whether racial slurs used by merchant constituted such extreme and outrageous conduct as to state cause of action for intentional infliction of emotional distress, precluding summary judgment in favor of merchant; (2) although racial epithet "nigger" may be offensive, its natural and ordinary import is as a slang term referring to members of Negro race, a meaning that is not defamatory, and such use did not constitute actual defamation sufficient to state cause of action for slander; and (3) substantial fact issues existed as to whether merchant ultimately denied black customer sale of goods because of customer's race and as to whether merchant's alleged statement that he "did not want or need nigger business" constituted publication of a statement that full and equal enjoyment of goods sold at merchant's establishment would be withheld on basis of race, precluding summary judgment in favor of merchant on customer's cause of action for alleged violation of Elliott-Larsen Civil Rights Act. Affirmed in part, reversed in part, and remanded.

YEAH? WELL, YOU'RE CONVICTED

Martha Stewart to step into 'The Donald's' shoes in Apprentice spin-off.

MMMM...Groundhog Stew

Obviously this stupid rodent isn't getting the proper motivations, if he's still seeing his shadow and predicting six more weeks of Winter.

Not for nothing, you start serving up steaming bowls of Phil for the next few weeks, my guess is no groundhog will see its shadow for years to come.

ONE OUT OF SEVEN AIN'T BAD

Meredith and Ian call it quits.

NOT SO RANDOM THOUGHT

The saddest thing in the world is a baby's coffin.

NEXT UP, WHICH AFFIRMATIVE DEFENSE ARE YOU





take the WHAT INTENTIONAL TORT ARE YOU test.


and go to mewing.net. because law school made laura do this.


This is because I'm black, isn't it?

via Annika, because really only a current or former law student would post this on their blog.

SHOWDOWN

Majority of Democratic Senators set to oppose Gonzales.

Clinton and Schumer better be on the right side of this one.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

How in the blue hell does an accordion player get a stripper girlfriend?

SAY WHEN
By Dawn Summers

Here I walk across the glacier's face
The creaking and cracking slow my pace
The heat rises; the temp is too hot
What used to be solid, now is not

There's a new couch on the glacier's face
Yet the air is cold and she needs space
The surface is smooth and hard like ice
Once tender and warm, now he's just nice

I stay awhile on the glacier's face
Soon I'll leave for a sturdier place
But for now I hear the ice straining
And moaning, groaning, melting, breaking
up.

MORE BUFFY BLOGGING

In order:

2
3
1
5
6
4
7

Also acceptable:

2
3
5
4
6
1
7

Depending on how much credit you are willing to give 1 for breaking new ground.

BUFFY BLOGGING

FX has been showing the early Season Six episodes. Giles is kind of a jerk. Why shouldn't he be raising Dawn and paying the bills, Buffy only has Dawn because of her slayer duties -- clearly a course of business kind of thing. And her house is always getting busted up because of all manner of demon fighting. Seems that Giles should be using the Watcher's Council budget to pay for everything and assume responsibility for Dawn. I can't believe he left her with two college students.