Clareified

DEBATE REDUX

President Bush hearts Poland.

HOW CAN YOU LIVEBLOG AND LISTEN?

Dunno, but Hugh Hewitt, obviously doesn't know either.

OCTOBER 8TH IS THE DEADLINE

To register to vote and request an absentee ballot. At least in New York City anyway.

Call 1-800-FOR-VOTE to register.

Click to Request a ballot if you'll be out of state on November 2nd.

If you want to move to a swing state, you have 1 more day in order to qualify to vote from there.

BUSH HOLDS WOMAN IN HEADLOCK



Makes her cry. Points and laughs.

AP reports on tonight's debates...Right Now!

Apparently, the future doesn't have spell check or copy editing.

With a record of four years in office to defend, Bush had a debate strategy of being optimistic about Iraq but acknowledging that times were tough. His stance is that Americans know he is a decisive leader even if they don't always agree with his decisions and that Kerry has taken conflicting positions on Iraq and can't be trusted to lead the nation.

Although Kerry voted to give Bush authority to invade Iraq, he says he would not have followed Bush's path to war a path that alienated allies and, the Democrat says, left Americans less secure. Kerry argues Bush is out of touch with reality, paints too rosy a picture about Iraq and lacks a strategy to end the crisis.

Kerry also says Bush has neglected other major problems like North Korea and Iran, two nations suspected of pursing nuclear weapons.

Yikes.

Hat Tip Iocaste.

RANDOM THOUGHT #43,298

Instead of debates, or in addition to, each candidate should have to sit down to an hour-long interview by a reporter of the other candidate's choosing.

I LIKE IKE'S SON

He too will be voting for Kerry.

What's the Ford boy gonna do?

QUOTE OF THE DAY

Jon Stewart: What if news actually happens [at the debates]?

Daily Show Correspondent: Well... that's what bloggers are for.

I WANNA MOVE



Every time I take this quiz, my isolationist foreign policies (closed borders/non-interventionist) land me here.

Sigh, at least I'm on Kerry's side of the river.

JOHN ASHCROFT'S CRAWFORD, TX

Paper's editor threatened for endorsing Kerry.

R.I.P

Three-year old Stephine Blue beaten to death at Day Care.

THE DAILY SHOW ISN'T FAKE NEWS

Yesterday featured a segment where the Daily Show correspondent delivered his report from the debate, revealing that "George Bush was better than Senator Kerry about presenting short, clear answers."

"But the debate hasn't happened yet," Stewart protested.

Well, we write the story and then whatever happens, we make it fit what we wrote, the reporter explained.

The audience laughed.

Not so funny, now.

Geez.

KERRY SPEAKS!



Diane, if you look at it from this angle, the tan actually looks fine.

I watch the Daily Show

My scores prove it!

You got 6 out of 6 correct on your first attempt.

Excellent work! But when do you sleep?

How would you do?

Check your score against these averages:
• "The Daily Show" with Jon Stewart viewers - 3.59 correct
• "The Tonight Show" with Jay Leno viewers - 2.95 correct
• "Late Show" with David Letterman viewers - 2.91 correct
• No late-night comedy viewing - 2.62 correct

Here's to hoping Clareified readers score way above all of them.

YOU DIDN'T HEAR THIS FROM ME...

But Ralph Reed is Mr. Hottie McGreat Hair.

Put the TV on mute and I could watch him for days.

Please don't kick me out of the coalition.

WHY WE HATE HER

Me: I think my new goal is going to be to try-out for the Liberty in two years.

Karol: Yeah, right.

Me: What? It's possible. They accept walk-ons.

Satan: Maybe, but I just don't believe in you.

But starting tomorrow, we are in training for the 2007-2008 Liberty season.

Already hired the nutritionist...now, we've got to find a personal trainer.

AND NOW I AGREE WITH JUSTICE SCALIA
I also think abortion is too important an issue for him to decide.

Not the whole Supreme Court, mind you, just him.

WONDER IF THEY'LL BE VOTING FOR BUSH

Thelen, an Andrews Kurth litigation associate in Dallas, and Vaught, an associate with Irving's Franklin Cardwell & Jones, first met in Judge Advocate General's Corps training back in 1999, when supervisors assigned them to the same team and they discovered they both practiced in the Dallas/Fort Worth area. Over the next five years, their paths would cross again and again, from the day the Army assigned them to the same battalion bound for Baghdad to the morning bombs almost blew their Humvee off a road in Iraq.

Now the two young lawyers, both of whom took their military oaths years before taking their bar oaths, have become skeptical of the potential for success in Iraq.

More.

FINALLY, A REAL VICTORY FOR LIBERTY




In a classic comeback, New York Liberty unseat the National champs by a bucket. Gotta love it!

The only thing sweeter is that reviled traitors Teresa Weatherspoon and Tamecka Dixon who left the Liberty for the even-more reviled L.A. Sparks are finished after just the first round.

Suckers.

NEVADA HEARTS BADNARIK

With Bush holding a narrow lead in the state, the libertarian candidate is polling at 3 percent.
Where is the coverage of this campaign.

Badnarik deserves to be heard!

HARVARD LAW PROFESSOR ADMITS PLAGIARISM

Larry Tribe confesses to "liberally borrowing."

NO RUSH TO WAR

Recalled soldiers slow to report.

DEBATE 2004

Bush wins the first presidential debate?

Kerry wins the first presidential debate?

Place your bets.

BLAIR'S SORRY FOR 2004

Prime minister apologizes for faulty intelligence on Iraq.

Don't know why, but okay

Your Boobies' Names Are: Nancy Kerrigan and Tonya Harding

via Ominously Pink

ALAN KEYES HAS A GAY DAUGHTER?



So by his comment that Dick Cheney's daughter was a selfish hedonist, what he meant was...

But no matter, he still loves her.

“If my own daughter were a homosexual or lesbian, I would love my daughter, but I would tell her she was in sin,” Keyes said.

Crazy.

Via Mithras.

TIED FOR QUOTE OF THE DAY

Me: Is Bush really going on O'Reilly's Show?
Karol: How would I know?
Me: You are conservative.
Karol: And which one of those two is conservative?


Me: Why doesn't johnkerry.com tell me where Edwards will be? I just want a calendar of his events, is that too much to ask?
Kaz: You just want an Edwards cam where you can watch him all day long.


Indeed.

PANAMA 102

Now that all the scars have healed from learning that 'C' on the shower knob stands for 'caliente,' not 'cold,' I'm finally mostly back to normal after my trip to Panama.
Spending 9 days straight with family will mess you up in every way imaginable, especially when your only alone time is in the bathroom, squatting over toilet bowls and holding your breath. Sorry about the visual.
I spent most of my time with my brother/cousin Alex. Cousin because he's my uncle's son, brother because he's the one who taught me the valuable "don't cry and don't tell" lesson everyone gets in childhood.
"Dawn! This is perfect, I wanted to try out this go-cart we built, but I'm too big to fit inside," is how our conversations usually began.
"Ooh. You're fine, you're fine. Come here. Look, here's a nickel, we'll get something at the store," is how the conversation would end, after the disasterous crash.
He's a grown man now, with two kids, four girlfriends, two baby-mamas and a couple of bald spots.
But he's still insane.
The day after the funeral, I went over to my aunt's house to watch the Simpsons.
"You know what lizard blood looks like?" he said approaching menacingly me with something in his hands.
"Stay away from me, Alex."
I'm 25 now, mister, I will so tell!
"What? Stop being such a chicken, just look."
In an instant he ripped his two hands apart and I felt droplets splash on my face.
"Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh," I leapt off the chair and ran screaming to bathroom.
My aunt stormed into the livingroom to find Alex rolling on the floor laughing and me scrubbing my face with Dial.
It was just water from a soaked papertowel.
"Aaaaahh, aaaahhhh, my face. Help"
"Very funny, jackass."
Then there was the spider that was just a rubber ball, the dog with one grey eye and one brown eye, that only ate Americans and the Panamanian attack monkeys that only lived in trees surrounding my hotel.
"Dude, you do know that under the Patriot Act, American citizens are given rewards for capturing or killing terrorists abroad?"
(You know, a long time ago someone asked me where I developed my healthy respect for the lethal abilities of animals and I said I didn't know. Suddenly, I'm thinking that between spending the summers with this lunatic in Panama and the drug sniffing police dogs in my building, I have discovered the fear's root causes.)
I also spent some time with my other cousin's son.
To make a long story short, my youngest aunt had a daughter when she was about 20. The child's father didn't want her or the baby and so she went a little crazy: stealing my grandparents jewelry to buy him gifts, following him around everywhere, leaving the baby on top of his car.... So she was shipped off to my mom in New York and the cousin was left with my grandparents.
Funnily enough, when she was about 20, she too had a daughter, went a little crazy, stole my grandparents things to buy him gifts, slept on his doorstep, etc.
But now my grandparents were old and they decided they couldn't raise another kid. So my aunt sent for her daughter and granddaughter to come live with her and husband and her other kids, here in New York.
Now, comes the funny part.
A week before they were all set to fly to New York, my cousin says she doesn't feel well: her stomach hurts.
They rush her to the hospital where she delivers a full term, healthy baby boy.
D'oh.
Obviously, the boy didn't have a Visa to come to the States and so he was left behind with my grandparents. And he's lived there ever since.
The last time I saw him he had that unbearable mix of the self-pity that comes from knowing he's had some tough breaks and the sense of entitlement that comes from everyone around him indulging his every whim because he was a poor kid that had some tough breaks. He threw tantrums, spoke loudly, interrupted and acted out in every way an 8 year old boy being raised by elderly people could.
But, now he's subdued, withdrawn.
He quitely watches soccer on television and plays videogames late into the night until my aunt sends him to bed.
It's unclear what will happen to him now.
My niece on the other hand is a gregarious ball of energy. At six, she's about four feet tall and strong as hell.
She beat me in thumb wrestling about half the time and pinned me in arm wrestling everytime (and believe me, I would love to say I am well adjusted enough to let a six year old win, but ...um...actually, now that I think about it, yes, I did let her win. I am a good, mature person.)
Plus, she thought the goal of the "I got your nose" game was to actually get my nose off my face.
So not cool.
My last few days were spent at the beach and touring the sites in Panama City. What a different world from Colon!
Panama City rivals any West Coast city in terms of beachfront and harbor living and in a few years it'll have its very own Ghetty museum.
We toured the sites of the student uprisings against the United States in the 1960s (there's an amazing statute of four teens climbing up a flagpole, holding the Panamanian flag), as well as the Panama Canal. (Little known fact, the national bird of France is a chicken. :-))
I saw the President's house, and the armed guard out front actually uttered the words "I cannot divulge that information," when our tour guide asked if the President actually lived there.
If you ever get a chance I highly recommend a visit to Panama City, although do not stay at the Melia Panama Canal under any circumstances.

FANTASY FOOTBALL

0-3 and last place.

Woo.

Funny... and How!

President Bush attended the opening of the Smithsonian’s American Indian museum in Washington, D.C. President Bush said he was proud of the history of the Indians and proud that the white man could come to this country to liberate them and bring them democracy.
-Jay Leno

via So May It Secretly Begin

Dawn's book review in pictures


I am officially out of control.

I got it!  

View from my window! 

Teaching myself how to host and post pictures from the Treo. Please stand-by. 

BLOGGING FROM THE GREAT BEYOND

Or at least, e-mailing.

NOT FOR NOTHING...

But how does the United States have a Holocaust museum, but not a slavery museum?

Snaps to Bill Cosby.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

Can anyone else think of any other job search where the specific topics covered and the precise questions asked are determined by the last two applicants themselves?

True Dat.

DUDE, I'M NOT VOTING FOR BUSH

Patient: Doc, I get a sharp pain shooting through my body when I do this.
Doctor: Then don't do that.

Lots of things may happen.

I may forget to mail in my request for an absentee ballot.

The ballot may get lost in the mail or I might forget to mail it back.

The pile of magazines that I've been stacking on my bureau for the past four months to read whenever I get my ass back to the gym may fall and crush me to death in my recliner as I finish watching the last remnants of the CSI marathon on Tivo.

Aliens could kidnap me and replace me with a clone on Earth designed to destroy humanity.

Monkeys might fly out of my butt resulting in months of hospitalization.

But I will not be voting for George W. Bush.

Others have phrased this phenomenon much more eloquently than I will even attempt here, but the bottom line is salaries for corporate lawyers in NYC have not returned to their year 2000 levels, my entire industry is under attack by this administration, I can't afford to buy a home in a decent neighborhood and I am terrified to travel abroad because the man's loony tunes policies.

It's an old joke, but no less true. If the choice is between the guy that will definitely burn everything down and the guy I don't know what he might do, give me the possibility of not being burned down.

That is all.

JON STEWART TO REPLACE CONAN IN 2009?

Well, now that Conan's taking over for Jay, there is an opening!

'RED STATE' LIVING IS BAD FOR YOUR HEALTH

Heh.

OF COURSE, HE'S SCARIER

Halloween masks of President Bush outsell those of Democratic challenger.

HUSSEIN 2005?

Will Saddam be on the Iraqi presidential ballots in January?

HOW AMERICAN ARE YOU?



You either take the quiz or you don't. I mean what I say when I say it.

via Gib

YOU CAN'T VOTE, BUT YOU CAN HAVE A SAY

The world hates G. W. Bush.

Well, the world except the Phillipines, Nigeria, most of the Southern and Mid-Western U.S. and New Hampshire.

And Poland. There is a joke there somewhere.

Who can blame them, Bush took his first trip to Europe just four years ago, he's bombed two countries and promises more bombing to come. He's cut aid for women's international health programs, nixed the Kyoto treaty, spurned anti-nuclear proliferation treaties, ignores the U.N. (except when he's using it to rationalize his illegal invasions) and butchers the Spanish language whenever he gets the opportunity.

George Bush is most definitely not an international man, baby.

But the recent suggestion that citizens of other nations should be able to vote in U.S. elections is just plain nutty.

Nevermind the logistical problems with all the nations of the world voting (which way would the chads swing?), or the philosophical issues with the Japanese deciding the American ruler, but would Americans then be able to vote in Cuba's elections or in Taiwan's?

No, this idea is beyond impractical.

But the world is frustrated, how is it American voters can't see how terrible President Bush is for themselves and all the world? (Believe me, there are whole warehouses of Democrats asking themselves that very question.)
It's not fair that with a word from Bush, American embargos can bring a nation's economy to its knees, the U.S., altruistic though it may be, is practically unstoppable, the nations of the world cry out (although, they probably use Esperanto instead of English).

But there are myriad of ways that the people of the world can help defeat Bush. First, make sure all the American citizens living on your shores register to vote (most helpfully in Florida, Pennsylvania, Minnesota or Oregon) and then mail in absentee ballots for Kerry.
Second, pressure your leaders to sign a pledge to work with President Kerry in Iraq. Meaning that if they haven't sent troops or money or aid to the conflict because Bush is the spawn of Satan, let them commit themselves to helping John Kerry fix Bush's folly. If Kerry had proof positive that Iraq would look differently under his watch, that would be good for a couple of percentage points in the polls.

Third, take some time off from University and hotfoot it over to the U.S. You can't vote, but you can knock on doors, staple signs to bulletin boards and hand out flyers. (Whoever is assigned to Minnesota please be prepared to answer questions about building steps and why John Kerry.)

Fourth, be creative. Write columns and mail them in to American publications, blog, draw cartoons, write plays, anything to take the bloom off the Bush rose.

You may not be able to vote, but you can make a difference.

FINALLY, I AGREE WITH THE BUSH ADMINISTRATION

This past week the Bush administration has been persuasively making the point that the U.S. is in just as bad or worse shape than Iraq.

"I saw a poll that said the right track wrong track in Iraq was better than here in America." President George W. Bush

On why the situation in Iraq ain't so bad: "We had something like 200 or 300 or 400 people killed in many of the major cities of America last year. Is it perfectly peaceful? No. What's the difference? We just didn't see each homicide in every major city in the United States on television every night."

Donald Rumsfeld

General Abizaid on Meet the Press this morning:

Tim Russert: Well, why can't we control the about of insurgent coming over the border from Syria or Iran?

Abizaid: Well, why can't we control the border between say the United States and Mexico? It's a problem.

Later in the same broadcast:

Russert: Well, would you support elections in Iraq if a number of Iraqi cities couldn't participate?

Abizaid: Look, no elections are ever perfect. Look at our example in Afghanistan, on the border of Pakistan it will probably be very difficult. Or just look at our elections in 2000. They were far from perfect.

Yep, like I always say, these people have no business running the United States either.

HEY, WHY THE LONG FACE?

HE'S BAAAAAACK!



Denver Nuggets give 43 year-old D-Ro chance at comeback.

BIGGEST PAIR IN THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY

Not only did he withstand pressure to resign by September 3, in order to trigger a special election, but the Daily News reports that McGreevey may be planning another run.

FANTASY FOOTBALL 2004

0-2. Why do I play this game?

MALKIN SEES TERRORISTS IN YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD


Michelle Malkin alerts us to the following important technological breakthrough:

"KILLER APP" GETS A WHOLE NEW MEANING!
By Michelle Malkin · September 22, 2004 12:18 PM
Via one of my blog heroines, Michele Catalano, there is good news for bloggers who use Movable Type and are sick of Reuters' penchant for sanitizing Islamofascist killers (which I vented about here). A blogger in Brussels has invented a killer app that substitutes the word "terrorist" for every weasel word used by terrorist-sympathizing news organizations (e.g. "militant," "gunmen," etc.).


Well, I don't use Movable Type so the killer app wouldn't work for me -- but since I'm sick of terrorist-sympathizing news organizations using weasel words, I did the next-best thing. Yes, I did a Google News search for the weasel words, and manually replaced them with the more exact "terrorist." Lets look at some of my newly unsanitized results for the word "gunmen," and discuss what they teach us about Bush's war on terrorism:
Anyway, I want to thank Michelle and her cohorts for helping me to see things more clearly. By eliminating namby-pamby words from news stories and replacing them with more precise terms, I have learned a lot, and feel much better prepared to fight the terrorists around me. I'm leading a raid against the World Institute of Journalism first thing next week.

World of Crap

SERIOUS APPRENTICE SPOILERS BELOW

Sorry, I wish I knew how to do that "read more/less" script thing (hint hint), but until then, I resort to the time honored, "dude, don't read anymore of this post if you have taped Apprentice and want to be surprised at the outcome," warning in bold lettering.
Ok, now that we've taken care of the weirdos who are taping the Apprentice instead of rushing home to watch the drama unfold live...

Every team with a female project manager has lost.

Every African-American woman on the Apprentice has been hated by all the other contestants.

Mike Piazza is a whoring sell-out...but cute in shades.

Donald Trump doesn't tolerate any mental disabilities except narcissism.

That's right, not a good night for crazy ole Mets fan Dawn Summers.

SAY WHAT?

Cheney lecturing Kerry on being disrespectful.

OVERHEARD

On the Cat Stevens "terrorist threat," visiting International Man of Mystery, Andreas says:

"What? They won't let him fly, but he's still allowed to sing and play guitar?"

FORGET THE HANOI HILTON OR ABU GHRAIB

This is true torture.

Season Three - A lot of people say that you're the
best, and who could really argue - you're
pretty, witty, and you've got one of Buffy's
best adversaries: the Mayor. Pound for pound,
you're why so many people love Buffy.


Which Season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Sounds about right.

Via Iocaste

JINX

I love that scene from last week's Apprentice when the women tell Bradford that they've got to go pack for the boardroom and he says:
"What? I don't have to pack shit."
Yes, Bradford had won immunity from termination by leading the previous week's successful toy making enterprise, so that even though his team lost, he knew he wouldn't be on the chopping block.
Of course, just like saying "wow, no traffic" on an empty highway will result in a twelve car pileup a few miles away from your exit...Bradford ended up not only being fired by Trump for stupidly waiving his immunity, but on the streets of New York with nothing but the clothes on his back.

HA!

Lawyers are so dumb.

MY HEAD HURTS

I am locked in an epic battle with Anna Karenina. I keep reading, waiting for it to get good and unputdownable. As soon as we get some good Vronsky-Anna action going, Tolstoy starts in on Levin's history of farming. He is killing me. Slowly. With agriculture and french cliches.

This is all Oprah's fault.

I GUESS THAT ANSWERS MY QUESTION

Mayor was full of crap. Boroughs experienced dramatic crime increase during convention.

There She Is, Dr. America?

Louisiana beauty is bested by aspiring doc from Alabama.

Six Feet Under
We buried my grandfather today. It poured like, I don´t know what, something that pours a lot.
(Yeah, who found the magic combination of keys that creates an apostrophe? ooh, ooh, me!)
The rainfall resulted in deadly mudlides.
Thankfully, there were no mudslides here in the interior.
But if there is a worse sound than a shovel full of dirt hitting the top of a casket, I don´t want to know about it.

Panama 101

Some wise old dude once said “everyday you learn something new.” He was right. Since I arrived, I have learned a boatload of new things, and it has only been two days.
Here is a brief synopsis of my syllabus:

1. Spanish. Totally different language. One cannot simply speak English slower and with a Spanish accent and expect to be understood. “Um” and “come se dice” are of minimal assistance.
2. You just do not realize how many contractions you write with, until you find a keyboard with no apostrophes. I am just sayin.
3. While the “Tickle Monster” game crosses the language barrier fairly well with the kids, The “I have got your nose...er tu nariz...yo tengo, el nariz de ...er la nariz...de tu” game does not translate quite as well.
4. Whoever said you cannot function without sleep, was full of crap. I mean, sure you will fall asleep everytime you sit down: in cabs, cars, couches, while blogging in the hotel lobby, even in a funeral home surrounded by coffins, but dude, one sharp elbow in the side and you are wide awake and ready to go.
5. As you get into an SUV and reach for the seatbelt only to find it attached to nothing and then watch as your cousin, beer still in hand, climbs behind the wheel and shift into gear, your mind will replay every public service announcement and drivers education crash reel you have ever seen.
6. Quietly mentioning to said cousin any of the aforementioned PSA slogans regarding drinking and driving will only result in mocking laughter as he feigns making turns into oncoming traffic and driving off cliffs.
7. Said cousin would also like Karol to know that he is single.
8. When in third world countries, it is important to forget everything one knows about restaurant health code violations, insect/rodent contamination, and hygeine in general. Repeating the famous Nietzche mantra does come in handy.
9. When travelling, try not to have the last television show you see in English be anything involving Siegfried and Roy and talking lions.
10. Do not drink the juice.

SPEECHLESS

Real life 'Sophie.'

The hostage-takers had struck a deal with a Russian negotiator to let a small group of mothers leave the school with their infants, but any older children would have to stay.

Anetta pleaded with terrorists to leave her behind, and let her 9-year-old take 1-year-old Milena out instead.

There was to be no compromise, either she went with the infant or no one would be released.

"My bigger daughter looked at me and every time, every time I see her eyes."

Where will the dotcommers crusade for truth and justice end

Nebraska Senate candidate denounces "sleazy liberal dot-com " when testimony surfaces that he did not disclose to Medicaid all the procedures he performed on a young patient.

CLAREIFIED ON LOCATION

I really cannot help but thank my ancestors for not being from some deserted, artic tundra. I love this little isthmus on the sea, however, Panamanian keyboards are a wee tricky. (There will be no use of words which need an apostrophe, for instance.)

Well, I better head back to my official granddaughter duties. Namely, avoiding any and all face pinching attempts, not uttering the words "no, I am not on a diet, that just looks gross" and remembering who half these people are or at the very least faking it.

FIRST JANE PAULEY, NOW LINDA HAMILTON

Bi-Polar is the new Kabbalah.

KEN LAY IS SOOOOO LUCKY HE'S NOT IN CHINA

Four executed for role in bank fraud.

FIRST CASE: BUSH v. KERRY?

I am now officially a member of the U.S. Supreme Court Bar.

HELP DAWN PICK AN ELECTION DAY SWING STATE

New Mexico
Wisconsin
Iowa
Oregon
Minnesota
Missouri
West Virginia
Arizona

Points given for not too cold in early November, cheap hotels, cheap eats/drinks, National monuments/parks/attractions, easy to drive around in and low likelihood of visiting under any other circumstances (I think Wisconsin may have this category locked up.)

DEAR LIBERAL MEDIA,

Can you please do more stories about Michael Anthony Peroutka?

Thanks,

Dawn

WOULD THAT WERE MY HAND



Could he be any cuter?

RUSSIA WATCH

Putin responds to terror attack by eliminating independent governors.

The electoral changes require the approval of parliament, but since the party loyal to Mr. Putin, United Russia, controls more than two-thirds of the 450 seats, that is almost a foregone conclusion. Mr. Mitrokhin said that while Mr. Putin's proposals "contradict the letter and the spirit of the constitution," challenges to them would be futile.

"Unfortunately," he said, "in Russia there is no independent parliament and no independent judiciary."

I think I've seen this movie before.

IN JOHN ASHCROFT'S AMERICA...

Santa Claus is a security threat.

ACTUALLY, ZELL...

Freedom of the press is often defended by the reporter.

THE GRIEF STAGE

If there were dysfunctional family Olympics, my family would medal in every event: jealousy, greed, betrayal, spite, you name it we'd win something for it.
But when someone dies, well, for grief we'd always get the gold.
When my uncle, the oldest son, died, my 220 lb grandma threw herself into his grave before they could put the casket in, because she wanted to be buried before her son.
Unfortunately, my other uncle and his sons were pulled down with her as they tried to stop her fall.
Luckily, my uncle was a firefighter, so there were hundreds of them at the funeral and a ladder was quickly fetched to pull everyone out.
But when the burial resumed, my mom comandeered a shovel from a nearby workman and insisted on filling the hole by herself.

Years later, when my grandma died, my cousin, who she had raised, was late getting to the cemetary. When he arrived to find her casket already in the ground, he demanded they pull it back up so he could see her again. Efforts to persuade him that he had already said goodbye enough were halted after he put the undertaker in a headlock and threatened to send him down personally to bring his grandmother up.
Mercifully, the cemetary has gotten eight years between funerals. But here we come again.

1914-2004

September 11th blows.

My mom and her friend decided to go shopping yesterday. Deciding I needed to start watching the 27 hours of the Spike TV CSI marathon that I had taped, I passed on the free ride to the outlet malls and God knows where else, women, determined to shop, go when they've got a car and credit cards.
My mom told me some pollster had called the house yesterday for me and was planning to call again around noon. I love those calls, so I brought the cordless with me to my CSI watching station.
Sure enough, around noon. The phone rang. I put on my "average American voter" voice.
"Good Morning?"
"Dawn?"
Oh, it's just my uncle.
"Yeah?"
"Where's your mom?"
"Spending money we don't have, why?"
Silence.
Oh.
"No, I'll tell her. She'll call you when she gets back."
I hung up the phone.
My grandfather was dead.
About an hour later my mom called the house:
"I just bought two recliners, but the store doesn't have a Saturday delivery for another four weeks. Can you stay home on Thursday to receive it?"
"Uh...take the Saturday delivery. No one will be home on Thursday."
"OK."
"When are you coming home?"
"Are you my mother? I'll come home when I come home," she was laughing now. I heard her tell her friend in the background that "her boss" was giving her a curfew.
"Goodbye, Dawn, please don't burn down the house."
You burn one pot, one time, boiling an egg and they never let you forget it.
I hung up the phone, but I was smiling now. At least she's having fun.
I went back to the CSI-a-thon.
A few hours later my friend called when she got back from Turkey.
"Hey, what's up?"
"Nothing...well...my grandfather died."
"Oh, I'm sorry. Are you ok? How's your mom?"
"She doesn't know. She's out."
The other line rang.
"I've gotta run."
My aunt.
"No, she's not home yet. She doesn't know."
The condolence calls started coming. It was about four and my mom wasn't back yet.
I washed some dishes, made lunch, watched a few more CSIs.
Six.
Local news was filled with images of the September 11th name-reading ceremony. The reporters all commented on how attendance was significantly down from last year. Most organizers said that next year's memorial would not be as formal.
"We're all moving on with our lives," one firefighter said, "the beginning was the worst, but every year it gets a little easier."
For my family the worst was just beginning. Not that everyone hadn't been expecting it. Actually, both my aunt, my mom and my cousins had all gone to Panama for extended stays this summer, expecting him to die. In fact, my aunt just came back last Monday.
But he didn't die.
8 o'clock.
"Come downstairs and bring the shopping cart."
Mom was home.
I waited in front of the building until her friend's jeep pulled up.
Shopping bags were stuffed everywhere. The trunk, the backseat, the frontseat, the roof.
"My daughter is going to start with the credit card lecture now," my mom said as she unloaded the jeep into my comically small cart.
It's hard to to tell if she was in a particularly good mood or if I was just really miserable;
figuring out when was a good time to tell your mother that her father is dead, is not a task I'd wish on anyone.
We took the elevator upstairs.
"You've been very quiet. What happened?"

'YOU HAD ME AT STATUTORY RAPE'

Convicted rapist and victim want to marry.

How Luke and Laura of them.

WTC Insurers file suit against Airlines

One day before the third anniversary of the disaster, underwriters for the Twin Towers sued American and United Airlines.

Huh. I wonder what the statute of limitations was.

BUT THEY DON'T HAVE FOOTBALL IN HAWAII

Nontheless, I am in for my third season of Fantasy Football!
Judging by how the draft went, this is going to be a long season.
Our league has ten teams and we conducted a snake draft with free agent pick-ups.

1st round: Jamal Lewis, RB, Baltimore.
2nd round: Daunte Culpepper, QB, Minnesota
3rd round: Brian Westbrook, RB, Philadelphia*
4th round: Michael Bennett, RB, Minnesota (proof positive that some people NEVER learn)
5th round: Peerless Price, WR, Hotlanta
6th round: Curtis Martin, RB, Jets
(Sorry, Dawn he was taken in the third round by another team.)
Oops.
6th round: Anquan Boldin, WR, Arizona
(Actually, Dawn, it's not your turn.)
Oh, my bad.
6th round (take three): Amani Toomer, WR, New York
7th round: Boo Williams, TE, New Orleans
8th round: Mike Vanderjagt, K, Indianapolis
9th round: Philadelphia Defense
10th round: Amani "it's not a" Toomer, WR, New York
(Dawn, he was taken in the sixth round.)
(Dude, Dawn, YOU took him in the sixth round.)
Oh, right. My bad again.
10th round: Clinton Portis, RB, Washington.
(That's it, Summers. You're banned, banned from Fantasy Football forever. Portis was taken in the first round by another team.)
Oh, um...well, at least I didn't pick him.
12 hours later...
10th round (take three): Eddie George, RB, Dallas
11th round: Brandon Lloyd, WR, San Francisco*
12th round: Jeff Garcia, QB, San Francisco
13th round: Muhsin Muhammad, WR, Carolina
14th round: Josh Reed, WR, Buffalo
15th round: Chester Taylor, RB, Baltimore Ravens

And that's the squad.
So far Bennett's been injured, Vanderjagt's missed his first field goal in more than a year and a friend of mine playing Fantasy in another league said he had to rethink his whole team because he had picked one of the same backs that I did and figured he must have done something wrong.

Oy.

* Holding Gib personally responsible for their performances.

ALL AFRICAN-AMERICAN WOMEN ARE NOT CRAZY

I swear. That's all I have to say about the season opener of the Apprentice.

FORGIVE THEM FATHER





via Atrios.

BABBLE, BABBLE, BABBLE

You too can speechify like President Bush.

Personally, I needed a "nuclear," "faith-based," and Dick Cheney.

via Andrew Sullivan

HOW'S HE DOIN'?

The Friends spin-off 'Joey' finally aired yesterday. The reviews were mostly good.

Like Joey pre-ephiphany, I hate change. So, I confess I spent most of the episode comparing it to Friends, wondering what Phoebe, Chandler and Monica were up to (never much cared for Ross and Rachel) and thinking, man, Adriana sounds funny. But honestly, the episode was probably as funny as a good, but not great episode of Friends. The opening scene with him in Dallas was classic Joey and I laughed out loud until his sister hugs him in the real Los Angeles airport. (What's up with her flashing her brother? Ewww) The theme song, opening credits montage has got to go. Obviously, they couldn't go with the Rembrandt's, but the opening isn't at all funny or Joey-like in any way.

Hopefully the married neighbor will be recast with a single, hottie (hopefully played by an actor of darker hue). I don't really like the son, but I guess with Monica in the burbs, Joey needs someone to cook for him.

(I think the porn actor will turn out to be L.A.'s very own ugly, naked guy!)

ALL IN

Let me tell you what bullshit is.
Bullshit is having 5 pretty high cards in sequence: 2 A K Q J and getting beat by a freaking pair of 9s.
"What? That's my money!"
"You don't have anything, you can't wrap around the Ace."
"Huh? What...well what about 3 2 A K Q " (which I also had)
"NO,Wrap-around straights."
"Dude, that's crap. I won. I wanna see the rule book." Suddenly that whole Sore/Loserman thing, not at all funny.
"I'm telling you. You can't do that. Call one of your poker blog friends."
"What? I don't just have a panel of poker bloggers on retainer that I can...hmmmm."
A few minutes of scrolling through my cellphone call log, back to a certain Saturday morning of coordinating plans to go to an engagement party, later.
"Hello?"
"Asphnxma...um...it's Dawn. I have a random question for you...but let me preface this by saying: there will be no laughter after my question, or during, or at any point during this conversation..."
"Is, Karol there?"
"Yes."
"oookkkkaaayyy."
"Can you have a Q high-straight?"
"What?"
"3 2 A K Q"
"You mean a wrap around straight?"
"If you want to call that a wrap-around..."
"No. You can't do that."
Hmmm, evidently, so concerned with all the not-getting laughed at, I failed to mention the "and just agree with whatever, I say" part of the instructions.
"You know, Dawn. Maybe before you play a game you should learn the rules."
"Thanks, aspnxma."
Go to hell.
After the call, I stared at my paltry pool of chips.
I hate this game.
And yes, I know I swore I would never play again, but this girl I went to high school with, let's call her Doofus said that her all girls game was casual and fun. So when I sat down at the table across from Schmari "nipple-clamp" Dominatrix and NYC "My Bag!" Smurfette, I had no idea that I would bust out in four hands and have to rebuy-in after playing for less than 20 minutes.
Things started out pretty well.
I won my first hand, on my second hand I went all-in with a set of 6. Then, Doofus, holding two pair, calls. On the river she hit a full-house.
*&*^@&%$%@
I had more chips than her, so I still had about four or five chips left.
I got a K3 offsuit and went all-in before the flop.
Someone called, but thankfully I paired the King and doubled up.
I tried the same manuveur on the next hand, with less successful results.
No pair and Scmari beat me with a 10.
I was out.
"Do you want to buy-in again," Doofus asks, straining her neck to see me over the wall of my chips in front of her.
$%@#!%*$@@
I played pretty conservatively after that. I folded anything that wasn't a face card and another card of the same suit.
But I didn't win any significant pots.
Then I got the QJ. The flop was 2 A K
I FLOPPED A STRAIGHT! Woo Hoo. (Shut up)
After busting out earlier, I announced that I was out of the all in business. Even as I sat there having flopped a straight (shut up), I didn't bet it all.
But I bet it most.
I mean the turn was a 9 and then the river was a 3. Smurfette went all-in, but I had her beat.
Well, we know how that turned out. I made a call to Hawaii only to be mocked and have my chips taken away.
The fates soon turned my way though. I hit a full house against Doofus' two-pair and essentially took back all the money she'd taken from me earlier and then some.
Then I hit the Q high flush against Smurfette and took pretty much all her money (mock my Q high straight will you...)
And then hand after hand I beat Schmari, who evidently was never very good at that Memory game we played back in Kindergarten, until I had most of her money too.
By the night's end, I was the big winner!
(Of course, I ended up borrowing 9 dollars from Doofus to pay for a cab ride back home when I realized I had virtually no cash on me. I had to play that "watch-the-meter-mind-control" game where I figured out exactly how much money I had and hoped that it got me close enough to home to walk. I had $33. When we reached my front door, the meter said $31.90. Not much of a tip, but it was all I had.
For the third time that night, I was all in.

GUNS DON'T KILL PEOPLE, GUN MANUFACTURERS DO

Rifle maker settles with D.C. sniper victims for $2.5 million.

DOES ANYBODY DO BETTER POLITICAL SUMMARIES?

I don't think so.

Scroll to your liberal heart's content.

OK, THAT CLEARS IT ALL UP

On when the next terrorist attack will take place:

``You can translate that into anytime between now and the election, now and the inaugural -- or any time we conduct business as a democratic society,'' he said. ``Most people think in terms of either the election or the inaugural.''
-- Secretary Tom Ridge


That's right "any time we conduct business as a democratic society," mark your calendars people.

WE'RE NUMBER ONE, WE'RE NUMBER ONE

New Yorkers bear the highest tax burden in the country.

But our system is the nation's most progressive, so there.

DON'T BLAME IT ON THE RAIN

According to news reports, remnants of Hurricane Frances were to blame for yesterday's bizzaro weather.

But the news reports were wrong.

On Tuesday night, I was talking to this girl I went to high school with, when she called her boyfriend, Peter, on three-way.

I don't recall the exact sequence of events, but at some point I believe he began to burn the dinner he was preparing.

"Oh no," I said quite sympathetically.

"I think it's Dawn's fault, baby" said the girl.

Then, in a fit of spiteful frustration, Peter cursed me:

"Your train will not be stalled tomorrow. You will not be stuck in a hot subway car or arrive to work late," he said stirring a cauldron and cackling uncontrollably.

His girlfriend, who incidentally caused the great 2003 blackout, giggled approvingly.

I didn't think much of it until I turned on the television yesterday. Images of drenched commuters being batted about by unforgiving winds were everywhere. Flood waters shut down most of Brooklyn's subway access yesterday morning.
I didn't even try to make it to the office because I would have indeed been stuck in a hot, unmoving car.

Luckily, I was able to work from home. But for the less fortunate who are now more subway than woman, I just thought you should know who to blame.

AND WHO DO YOU ENVY MOST

Play Fortune magazine's 'Who's Younger/Richer!'

Score to beat: 110/150.

PUPPY SHOOTS A MAN

What does the second amendment say about an animal's right to bear arms?

A DESPERATE PLEA

Dear NBC executives,

I can't take Jay London anymore. If I hear one more "is this thing on" or "you'll get it tomorrow, Sir" I'm going to lose it.

I don't know what I've done to you or your networks to deserve this. In fact, I have been a most loyal customer. I even watched Jesse and Veronica's Closet. No, I don't like Father of the Pride, but that doesn't mean I won't watch it.

But this Jay London thing has got to stop. Granted, I wasn't there for the early rounds of voting that inflicting this heap of unkempt sloth on America. But I saw him voted off during Season 2, only to return with a vomitous vengeance a few weeks later. He was kicked off again and the show ended, but now like a possessed, homicidal plastic doll, (the show and the unbearable Mr. London) was reincarnated once more.

No more.

What does it take? Garlic? Holy Water...silver tipped bullets, perhaps?

Get rid of London.

For good.

Sincerely,

Dawn

A HEAD SCRATCHER

Police arrested nearly 2000 people in five days surrounding the Republican National Convention. Yet, the mayor announced that crime was lower compared to the same week last year.

Now either the people arrested weren't committing crimes, a hell of a lot of crimes were committed last year or the Mayor is full of crap.

You decide.

NOT WHAT YOU SAY, IT'S WHAT YOU DO

The President's acceptance speech was very good. General consensus seems to be that it was the best speech of his political life.

Maybe, but it's important to remember, that speeches are just words on a page-- or a teleprompter. To figure out the kind of President he would be, one need only look at the President he has been.

In his address he said:

The story of America is the story of expanding liberty: an ever-widening circle, constantly growing to reach further and include more. Our Nation's founding commitment is still our deepest commitment: In our world, and here at home, we will extend the frontiers of freedom.

But he has consistently fought to curtail civil liberties, eliminate the right to choose and to write discrimination into our constitution and strip gay people of simple job protections afforded to all Americans. The only freedoms he has extended, is the right of big corporations to pollute our air and water.
To create jobs, my plan will encourage investment and expansion by restraining federal spending, reducing regulation, and making tax relief permanent. To create jobs, we will make our country less dependent on foreign sources of energy. To create jobs, we will expand trade and level the playing field to sell American goods and services across the globe. And we must protect small business owners and workers from the explosion of frivolous lawsuits that threaten jobs across America.

What does Bush know about creating jobs? His administration squandered the first surplus in modern history in less than two years and by the of his term, George W. Bush will be the first President since Hoover to have a net job loss. On. his. watch.

As I have traveled our country, I have met too many good doctors, especially OB-GYNS, who are being forced out of practice because of the high cost of lawsuits. To make health care more affordable and accessible, we must pass medical liability reform now. And in all we do to improve health care in America, we will make sure that health decisions are made by doctors and patients, not by bureaucrats in Washington, DC.

These good doctors are being fprced out of practice because of the too high cost of insurance. Yet the Bush administration has done nothing to regulate the insurance industry. Nevermind the doctors that have been done in by their own incompetence. Anybody remember how Bush stood on stage hugging a doctor that left a sponge in a woman's belly and neglected a delivery to the point where the infant was born brain-damaged?

Furthermore, does anybody buy that Bush wants health decisions to be made by doctors and patients? Time and again he has sought to legislate a woman's right to choose from his fancy leather chair in the oval office. I can't imagine a more bureacratic place in Washington, D.C.

In this time of change, government must take the side of working families. In a new term, we will change outdated labor laws to offer comp-time and flex-time. Our laws should never stand in the way of a more family-friendly workplace.

Again, the applause line is more of a cue for laughter. His administration has taken away overtime pay from millions of people who rely on that income to meet basic, everyday needs. Although, I suppose that's one way to fund his income tax cuts for his wealthy friends.

We will always keep the promise of Social Security for our older workers. With the huge Baby Boom generation approaching retirement, many of our children and grandchildren understandably worry whether Social Security will be there when they need it. We must strengthen Social Security by allowing younger workers to save some of their taxes in a personal account a nest egg you can call your own, and government can never take away.

Like compassionate conservatism, this paragraph is an exercise in oxymoronism. There is no way to "keep the promise of Social Security for our older workers" if "younger workers" siphon funds away in risky market accounts. Every dollar paid into social security today, is paid out today as benefits for older workers.

No dejaremos a ningun nino atras. We will leave no child behind.

Wow, George W. Bush lies in two languages. Cool. According to Senator Schumer, New York alone is being shortchanged 1 BILLION dollars in federal money for our schoolchildren. That amount of money leaves a lot of schoolchildren behind.

I believe we have a moral responsibility to honor America's seniors so I brought Republicans and Democrats together to strengthen Medicare. Now seniors are getting immediate help buying medicine. Soon every senior will be able to get prescription drug coverage, and nothing will hold us back.

I've searched the text of his speech for any mention of the double digit in the cost of Medicare premiums. I couldn't find any. If Bush suddenly dropping news of the largest increase in Medicare history on America's seniors is honorable, it's no wonder that whenever he calls John Kerry's service honorable, he has a smirk on his face.

Do I forget the lessons of September 11th and take the word of a madman, or do I take action to defend our country? Faced with that choice, I will defend America every time. Because we acted to defend our country, the murderous regimes of Saddam Hussein and the Taliban are history, more than 50 million people have been liberated, and democracy is coming to the broader Middle East.

Now, I'll admit I haven't read the report from the September 11th commission, but what do the lessons of September 11th have to do with Saddam Hussein? (And does anyone else appreciate the irony that the "word of a madman" turned out to be more accurate than all the words of all the intelligence agencies in all the word?) Bush didn't mention that because the American liberators shut down al Sadr's newspaper, they turned him from someone who wrote about killing American soldiers, to someone who killed American soldiers.
The Taliban may be out of Kabul, but they are still killing Allied forces in other parts of the country and brutally enslaving women and children who live in the outskirts.Saying a job is done, does not make it so, no matter how many banners you hang.


Again, my opponent and I have different approaches. I proposed, and the Congress overwhelmingly passed, 87 billion dollars in funding needed by our troops doing battle in Afghanistan and Iraq. My opponent and his running mate voted against this money for bullets, and fuel, and vehicles, and body armor. When asked to explain his vote, the Senator said, "I actually did vote for the 87 billion dollars before I voted against it." Then he said he was "proud" of that vote. Then, when pressed, he said it was a "complicated" matter. There is nothing complicated about supporting our troops in combat.

Yes, Kerry's approach differs with the President's. He tried to insert some modicum of fiscal responsibility into the Bush White House when he pressed for the ill-conceived tax cuts to be rolled back or suspended to pay for the Iraq war. Everyone knew 87 billion was not enough and to continue passing piecemeal funding requests through deficit-spending would weaken our country and continuously leave soldiers at the mercy of the President and Congress. Kerry tried to change the way the war was funded to ensure that the soldiers would always have enough for body armor and the like. But the President prefers to disguise the costs of his nation-building exercise and leave it up to soldier's families to buy their own protective vests.

I can't begin to guess at why the President's speech writers thought nobody would notice all these inconsistencies and half-truths, I guess months of campaigning to the converted will do that to you.

SIXTH NYU SUICIDE

Karol says it's the pot.

RIDDING THE INTERNET OF REPUBLICANS ONE EMPLOYER AT A TIME

Both Ginger and Ken are out of the politics blogging game.

Damn, good thing Homeland Security is not this effective.

MULTIPLE CHOICE QUESTION

Where did my interviewee go wrong:

A) John Kerry is a terrible candidate.

B) That show was dumb. What she like fought vampires, but then her boyfriend was a vampire?

C) What's the point of being a lawyer if you're just going to be an associate?

D) Yale? Isn't that like in some ghetto town, where people are shooting all the time?

September 11th, 2001

No wonder George W. Bush wants another term.
It seems like in the last four years, he only got to be President for one day.
And boy was it a dilly of a pickle.
Well, so be it. If George Bush wants us to believe his whole first term was one day, I hope John Kerry isn't afraid to challenge Bush on it.
Let's see? How many times had President Bush been to New York during his presidency before his big day with the bullhorn?
One.
Huh, seeing that New York is the capital of the world and the envy of mad terrorists everywhere, not to mention one of the largest states in the union, you'd think the President of the United States might have stopped by a little more often.
But, let bygones, be bygones.
September 11th is what matters, and when the sh*t hit the fan, President Bush was right there for the city. What? Oh, he didn't get there until the next day?
Well, that's ok, nobody expects him to be able to get from Florida to New York in...what? well, look as long as he was there by September 13th, no one can...OK.
That's right, he didn't get there until September 14th, days after the disaster. After New Yorkers, New Jerseyans and Connecticians (cutians?) had spent night after night picking through twisted debris and smoldering metal looking for any signs of life and retrieving the remains of the fallen.
He came days after many people outside the tri-state area drove through the night just wanting to get here and lend a hand any way they could. I remember their faces, saw them sleeping on the grass in local parks.
"I just had to come. To do something," said one guy who had driven in from Michigan.
But the President of the United States was not there. Forget the 'My Pet Goat' seven minutes, he couldn't manage to be at Rudy's side until three days after the disaster.
Leadership? HA!
In the weeks and months after 9/11, the Bush administration was even worse. The EPA issued a report giving the 'all clear' signal for hundreds of first responders working the pile and the thousands of employees in the area. The air is fine, it said, don't worry.
Oopsie daisy...
Not only was the report wrong, but the White House knew it was based on incomlpete data and forced the agency to send it out anyway. Recently, 14 of the search and rescue dogs who were at ground zero have died, 8 from cancer.
Babies born to preganant women exposed to the site have had significant low birth weight problems.
One can only hope that the President's time at ground zero was enough that he too can share in any long-term health problems the rest of us are likely to suffer because we remained exposed to those toxins due to the EPA's misleading report.
Despite suffering the majority of 9/11 deaths right here in New York, the state ranks second to last in 2003 Homeland Security Grants. According to a study by the Federal Funds Information for States, federal spending for homeland security in New York State was only $5.09, compared with Wyoming's $35.67.
What state is the Vice President from? Oh yeah, I know, Texas. But I mean, what state does he say he's from because the constitution doesn't allow the President and Vice President to be from the same state.
New York City will receive $61.8 million less for police and security in 2004 than it did in 2000. Even with the additional homeland security funding provided to the city in the wake of 9/11, the Bush budget has cut the funding stream running from Washington to New York City by more than a third.
So, if Bush wants to run on what he did during his "one day" in office, go ahead. But I was there, I remember.
Yeah, I was scared sh*tless, but not a single thing Bush did then or since has alleviated that fear. Don't try to tell me that there's a gun to my head and I better vote for Bush otherwise the trigger will be pulled.
I've had an actual gun to my head and I know that bombing Iraq (or more accurately, building missile defense systems) wasn't what saved my seven-year-old brains from being splattered on the furniture store's walls, it was the quick thinking of caring New Yorkers and then the NYPD.
Bush doesn't care about New York's safety, if he did he'd be pushing for a constitutional amendment that would ban guns that come into the state, causing crimes here.
He'd follow Senator Schumer's lead and safeguard New York's harbors, he'd fund the necessary technology to check ships for nuclear materials, he'd stop cutting funding from cops or draining New York's National guard to prop up a few cities in Iraq and one city in Afghanistan.
If anything good comes of the Republican convention being here, I hope it will be that New Yorkers finally see Pataki, Giuliani and Bloomberg for what they really are.
There is no such thing as a good Republican, at least not for New York.

ACTUALLY BEING GREEN'S NOT THAT HARD

Here is the first-half of the transcript from Republican media gad-fly, Karol Sheinin's 9/2/04 appearance on CNN Headline News:

Interviewer: Karol Sheinin is covering the action, she's acting as one of a handful of bloggers posting unfiltered thoughts on the internet. What's blogging, you say?
(Why, yes, I do say what is all this blogging the kids are into these days?)Well, Karol is here to explain, she joins us by telephone from Madison Square Garden to talk about her experience. Welcome Karol.

Karol: Hi. How are you doing? (insert your own helium snorting joke here.)

Interviewer: So, why don't you explain to people, first off, who don't know what blogging is, what that entails.

Karol: It's kind of a personal journal where you post whatever you feel like. I write about mostly politics, but I veer off into other subjects as well. It's updated regularly and that's what makes it a blog specifically.

Interviewer: What has this experience been like for you at the convention?

Karol (audibly surprised by the question): OH! It's been really exciting... um... it's been a lot of fun. I've interviewed a lot of different political figures, different Senators and... um... other leaders. I interviewed Ann Coulter today. (giggle giggle) (Hmm, is she laughing because she called Coulter a "leader" or is it the helium high? I guess we'll never know.)

Interviewer: Oh, you did?

Karol (channeling her best Marv Albert): Yesssss!

Interviewer: So, what can people get from your blogs that they can't get elsewhere on TV or say the newspapers? Yeah, answer me that oooh, I'm a blogger and I'm so cool. I actually think I heard her add, bi-atch at the end of the question, but I can't be sure.

Karol: Well... um ...one of the main things is I don't pretend to be unbiased... um I like President Bush and I don't pretend otherwise... um... but also in the comment section they can leave their comments or responses (ooh, comments OR responses, what an array of possibilities blogging offers to its readers), it's more like a conversation than it is just watching TV or reading a newspaper. (Oh, I see somebody's never heard of yelling at the screen.)

Interviewer: What's been the response so far?

Karol: It's been great. I have a lot of people checking it this week that are new readers and... um... I'm getting a lot... um... you know... hits and comments and all kinds of stuff. It's been really exciting.

Tune in tomorrow for the conclusion of Karol's exciting debut on CNN Headline news.

OHHH, INNOCENT BEFORE PROVEN GUILTY...

Talking to Karol about a woman whose teenage son was arrested and "missing" in the system for two days during the New York arrest-a-thon prompted the following comment from the Republican shutterbug:

"Well, why was her son being violent?"
With a heavy sigh, I replied:"There are many nonviolent people being arrested."

For instance:

Lawyers who appeared in the city's arraignment court said, for example, that on Saturday a building superintendent named Andre Lebbt, 49, was arrested while he was taking out the garbage. They also described arrests of a man walking home from a sushi restaurant, and another man dressed in a business suit going home from work.
Why is it so hard for people to remember that an arrest is not proof of guilt?

ONE QUESTION, MR. POLICEMAN


Have you seen Times Square during a taping of TRL?

This woman was arrested for "obstructing pedestrian traffic."

BUSH HURTING BLOOMBERG

Yesterday G. Dub appeared with a number of firefighters in Queens, NY. The Mayor of NYC, Republican Michael Bloomberg was conspicuously absent.

"I can't be at every place the president goes. I've got a number of things to do tonight" Bloomberg said. "Sock drawers don't organize themselves," he added.

Some have speculated that Bloomberg is afraid of too much one on one time with el Presidente. Others have hinted that he may be pissed at the Bushies for refusing to remove an ad which exploits the Olympic name. The ad which had been condemned by the IOC and the Iraqi soccer team has been said to hurt NYC's chances of winning the Olympic games in 2012. According to recent reports:

There are concerns that because several International Olympic Committee (IOC) officials are upset with the ad, New York’s bid for the 2012 Summer Olympic Games could be in jeopardy.

The German version of Yahoo.com reports that an IOC member said the chances for New York being awarded the 2012 Summer Games had not been that good, but now New York’s chances are down to zero.

But Bush refused to stop the commercials.

He's steadfast. Hey, don't criticize, if the captain of the Titanic had stayed the course and hit the iceberg dead-on, the ship never would have sank.

ZELL'S RED BABY, ZELL'S RED

I know. 'Dawn, you're not a certified mental health specialist.' Nope, I'm not, but I am a politics junkie and I distinctly remember that when Howard Dean delivered his "concession" speech after the Iowa caucuses, everyone said he was nuts, and that included some mental health specialists.
Zell Miller, saw Iowa Dean and raised him ... a roof.
My mom, who couldn't care less about a Georgia Senator, watched his speech for a second and then in one swift movement she winced, slammed her finger on the down volume button and said:
"What is wrong with him? Why is he screaming?"
"I dunno...he's mad?"
"Yeah, as a hatter."
She zinged ya, Zell.
I left to go watch the rest of his speech in my room (thanks to the miracle of 'rewind TV' I didn't miss a word.)
Nevermind the inconsistency of his message: that while national security shouldn't be used for partisan purposes, if America elects anyone but George W. Bush the French flag will fly over the Capitol building and we'll be saluting Kofi Annan.
His tone, his body language, his pitch...nothing but fear and paranoia. Maybe that comes with being the lone Democrat in stadium full of Republicans...lord knows I don't envy him that position.
Or maybe it's knowing that one day he'll be the lone speaker at the Republican convention in a room full of Democrats...again, brrrrr.
I've wondered about Zell before. Have you ever heard him talk about how he was abandoned by his party?
Like a sad, unpopular kid who goes to the bathroom only to find everyone gone when he returns, Zell seems lost, nervous and mad.
As a hatter.
That folks is the new voice of the Republican party.

GUANTANAMO WEST?

Today, demonstrators at the pier protested the conditions under which the detainees are held there, said Donna Lieberman, executive director of the New York Civil Liberties Union."Unfortunately we still have no satisfactory response from the city about the conditions at Pier 57," she said. Protesters have complained about being held for as long as 30 hours in miserable conditions before being arraigned or receiving a desk appearance ticket. Several said they had contracted rashes from sleeping on the pier's floor, had gone hours without food and were given a Dixie cup to use to drink water. Some complain they have no access to their lawyers.

I hope the people demonstrating against the conditions at the Pier don't get arrested.

RECORD SETTING YANKS

Fall 22-0 to Cleveland Native-Americans.

NOT PROUD OF 'FATHER OF THE PRIDE'

I was so looking forward to it too.
I don't know if it's just residual "I hate Curb Your Enthusiasm' that has ruined this show where Cheryl Hines is again married to a 'Larry' that needs scolding for his faux paws (get it? paws? they're lions...ha ha...nevermind), but it sucked.

And not just because it involved a house kitten licking whipped cream off the body of a lion...ok, maybe because of that a little bit.

The punch lines were so predictable, Sigfried and Roy were so stereotypical, and the storyline made no sense (a panda in love with a married lion? WHAT??!!)

Maybe next week they'll show me how the little cub got that neck brace. Now, that should be funny.

THE OSCAR GOES TO...

Looks like Arnie's big debut on the national stage has been met with mixed reviews.
I thought his speech was fine. I don't know what it had to do with the RNC or George W. Bush (no matter how many times he did that [insert name] thing, but it was good.
His funniest (probably unintended) moment was:

Tonight, I want to talk about why I'm even more proud to be an American -why I'm proud to be a Republican and why I believe this country is in good hands.

Yeah, I bet the gropenfeuhrer knows a thing or two about 'hands'!

I also couldn't help but smile at his invocation of Richard Nixon. I don't know the stats, but I'm going to guess that Nixon's name hasn't been mentioned at a Republican convention in 30 years. Maybe the old guy's making a comeback.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY PARTY, LISA

Yesterday, Karol said that Techorati handed out buttons saying "I'm Blogging This!" to the hardy folks on "blogger's row" at the Convention.
When I asked why, she said:
"you know, it's like a blogger phrase: "ooh, I'm blogging this."
Hmm, I think "Don't blog this" is much more common.
But at Lisa's birthday, I actually found myself thinking "I'm so blogging that." I even had the notebook to prove it. (When I started jotting notes, Jessica said I looked like a Kindergarten teacher. And to ensure that there was no misunderstanding, Ari explained that it was because I am frumpy and spinster-like.)
By the way, Ari's real name is actually "Eri." She's such a self-hater.
Lisa picked out a terrific little restaurant on the Upper East side.
The house speciality was fondue and the drink du noir (ooh, I totally just made that up...time to add "working knowledge of French" to the resume) was the all you can drink Sangria.
The place had a swanky vibe about it and most of the light came from the critically acclaimed Bollywood film "Kama Sutra" flickering on the back wall.
The sound was off and there were no subtitles, so it was virtually impossible to figure out what all the naked women rolling around on the bed with undressed men had to do with the lamp that was in desperate need of replacement.
I caught only a couple of uncovered boobs before looking away in horror, but thankfully Peter had seen this movie a number of times before and was able to explain what was happening in each scene.
Somewhere around the third glass of Sangria, I led a round of 'Happy Birthday,' ably accompanied by Candace. Then there was some cheerleading that I think spelled L-I-M-A. But it left me I wondering why all the fuss about a bean? Lisa too seemed a bit confused by the whole thing, refused to dance on the table and hastily beat a retreat for the other side of the room.
Then, somebody started singing 50 cent's "Go shorty, it's yo berfday."
Yep, it's not a party until a drunk white girl starts bustin' rhyme.
I, on the other hand, was locked in my own epic struggle with the waitress.
Let me be clear, it wasn't really about how much Sangria I could drink. I learned that after a week in Spain on Christmas vacation. No, it was about getting each glass to cost as little as possible. Could I make it down to a dollar each? Or maybe even cents per glass.
Muhahahahaha.
Oh, they would rue the day.
But Lisa beat me to the punch...er...Sangria, and polished off the jar before I had finished my fourth glass.
Being the birthday girl has its privileges.
The usual suspects of bloggers from bloggerpolooza were on hand, joined by Ivan and Yaron.

So of course, there were the quintessential blogger moments.

"Hi, I'm Yaron"
Candace squealing: "oooh, you're daily lunch!"

Followed by Jessica introducing Yaron to Esther.
"I think you guys link to each other."

Karol was notably absent.

Thankfully, Ari, er..Eri easily stepped into the role of threatening to kill me and telling me I dressed funny. Candace taught everyone the universal hand sign for "studying Russian" (think snoopy dance fingers, except pointed down as if hunting and pecking keys on a typewriter.) And Esther explained what the hell was going on in Donnie Darko.
Oh and thanks to Funnya, I now have a new career option: being the lady at the passport office that gets to rename little immigrant kids. Girls will be called Stephanie (spelled in a variety of ways, as to avoid confusion) and boys will be Ephram, regardless of what their "native-land" names were.
Muhahahaha.
As always I managed to belt out a few eighties songs and do my little dance.
Oh, FYI if you're ever starving in the desert and need fondue, Don't. Ask. Peter.