Clareified

MINDLESS FUN

In the vein of the old 'Kevin Bacon Game,' I bring to you "Six Degrees of Instapundit."

Essentially: how many permalinks separate your wee little blog from the undisputed King of the 'Sphere?

Clareified is at a respectable 3!

Instapundit links to Misha, Misha links to Spot On and Spot On links to yours truly!

What's your Instapundit Number?

'Xander's' an Alcoholic

Well, that explains his role in 'Celeste In the City.'

McCain's Pissed

For those of you with better things to do than read blogs all day, Nightline plans to run a tribute to the 'Operation Iraqi Freedom' dead American soldiers. One affiliate claims this is anti-Bush propoganda and will not air the tribute. Senator John McCain had a few choice words:

"There is no valid reason for Sinclair to shirk its responsibility in what I assume is a very misguided attempt to prevent your viewers from completely appreciating the extraordinary sacrifices made on their behalf by Americans serving in Iraq. War is an awful, but sometimes necessary business. Your decision to deny your viewers an opportunity to be reminded of war's terrible costs, in all their heartbreaking detail, is a gross disservice to the public, and to the men and women of the United States Armed Forces. It is, in short, sir, unpatriotic. I hope it meets with the public opprobrium it most certainly deserves. "

Woah.

RANDOM THOUGHT

Does anyone else think it's ridiculous that the U.S. is still at war with Afghanistan? I mean really, almost 3 years and we're still duking it out with cavemen. Howze about we withdraw the troops and send in the nukes? I'm just sayin'.

FIRST MARTHA, NOW THIS

Wachtell loses key claim in WTC insurance case.

DIPLO-BABBLE VS. BABBLE BABBLE

The choice couldn't be clearer:

"As I say, I came away good about the session, because I wanted them to know, you know, how I set strategy, how we run the White House, how we deal with threats. This is an important commission, and it's important that they ask the questions they asked so that they can help make recommendations necessary to better protect our homeland. And — but it was — I enjoyed it."
- President George Walker Bush, April 29, 2004

via Int'l News.

EWWWWWWWWW
There is nothing about this story that doesn't make my skin crawl.
Cats vomit?
Dogs eat insects?
A once every-17-years mating ritual? I thought the Simpsons made that up for Comic Book guy.

CRY ME A RIVER
Airlines say "new tax" to pay for added security measures will be the difference between breaking even and losing money.

Maybe each CEO could chip in a few million for the cause. It's not like they're paying federal taxes anymore.

THIS ONE'S FOR MA PEEPS
Can nerdy corporate lawyers be called "peeps"? Anyway, the following exchange took place at one of my depositions:

Lawyer 1: Do you know what this message means?
Opposing Lawyer: Wait, does the witness know what it means now or did she know what it meant when she got it?
Lawyer 1: Fair point. Ok, let me ask it in a compound way: Do you know, sitting here today what it means and did you know then what it meant?
Opposing Lawyer: Objection. Compound Question.
Whole room bursts into laughter.

THAT'S MY VILE, DISGUSTING IDEA
Yuri Geller sues ABC over show "win-my-baby" reality show. Yes, the spoon bending guy.

WHO'S FRENCH NOW?

Karen Hughes

2004 Better Things To Do on Election Day

... Than vote for George W. Bush.

Dear Pennsylvania Conservatives,

As you know by now, Pat Toomey fell to Arlen Specter yesterday.

Thanks, in part to the meddling of the President in your state's election. What happened to the promises of state sovereignty and trusting the people. Your President has betrayed you. Now, I'm not suggesting you vote for John Kerry (I mean c'mon who wants to vote for John Kerry). However, it's time to send President Bush a message. He has turned his back on fiscal conservatism, his administration thinks it's ok for your jobs, not only to be shipped overseas, but also to be filled by illegal immigrants.
Enough is enough.
He wants to persuade the "swing voters" so much, let them re-elect him in November. You stay home with your kids, and your bible and your guns.
Look, don't worry Kerry can't win -- no matter what -- however, if you sit this one out, Bush's victory margin will be small enough that the RNC will hear your anger loud and clear.
You will be taken seriously and once again have a hand in shaping your party which has been hijacked by these "moderates."
So this is my call -- let's come up with 2004 better things to do with your election day than vote for Geroge W. Bush.
(I got a two-letter suggestion: WB).
Show President Bush what happens to "middle-of-the-roaders."

Secret Service Investigates Fifteen-year-old Artist

High Schooler's artwork considered "a threat to the President."

There is a phrase for this.

Sick Sad World

Doing some research this afternoon I came across this case, Stagl v. Delta Airlines, 52 F.3d 463. Here are the relevant background facts.

"1993, Mrs. Stagl, then 77 years old, was a passenger on a Delta flight from Orlando, Florida to LaGuardia Airport in New York City. The plane was delayed for approximately one-half hour, and Mrs. Stagl noted that upon its arrival in New York the passengers were visibly upset. .... Mrs. Stagl describes the Delta terminal as "bedlam." According to her, "people were crowded around the baggage carousel and everyone seemed in a hurry to get out of the airport." Moreover, they were "rowdy and unruly, pushing and shoving each other, grabbing their luggage from the moving carousel by whatever means possible."
....

In an attempt to reclaim her own belongings, Mrs. Stagl made her way to the "front rank" of the throng surrounding the baggage carousel. Apparently, an unidentified man to one side of her reached across the conveyor belt, grabbed his satchel with great force, and unwittingly triggered a domino effect. His bag collided with another's suitcase, which, in turn, fell off the carousel, toppling Mrs. Stagl. As a result, she suffered a broken hip.


Did everyone laugh at the picture of the little old lady crushed by domino suitcases? You know, kinda like the Wicked Witch of the West with her ruby-slippered feet sticking out from under the house? hahahahahhahahahahaha
No? Eh, maybe they're right and it's just me.

Now, there's a broken hip in my future.

Aw man.

California Governor Wins Women's Group Award

His wife praises his compassion.
That's great, Maria. But I think it's his affection that people had a problem with.

SO ME


I am officially adding this to my wish list.

What do you mean you didn't know I had a wish list?

MORE THAN TEN MINUTES FROM NORMAL

Karen Hughes thinks pro-choice is pro-terror.

Good thing she doesn't speak for the President anymore.

Right To Live

Today 100,000 marched in Washington in support of abortion rights.
Last week, Dick Cheney outlined the President's position on the issue: "Bush supports abortion only in cases of rape or incest when a woman's life is endangered." He said it was about protecting the weakest members of our society.
But the rationale and the ultimate position seem incompatible.
"Hello there little fetus deserving to be born, we are going to murder you because your father is also your grandfather."
"Yeah, I know you're an innocent little fetus, but we've got to execute you because your father raped your mother in an alley."
It's curious. Either abortion is murder of an innocent little fetus deserving of every protection or it ain't. There's no sometimes or exceptions. No, the only way the President's position makes sense, or the position of many so-called pro-lifers, is if abortions are candy-colored treats to be doled out only to deserving women.
I know women who had abortions because the fertilized egg was lodged in the fallopian tubes and if left to grow, would be certain death for it and the mother. No rape, no incest, sorry no abortion. However, may I show you some lovely caskets in which you can spend the afterlife.
Contrary to the straw woman built up by the anti-abortionists, most women who have had the procedure weren't hoping for a preganancy just so they could have an abortion.
"woo hoo, the stick is blue, now I get to have another abortion! To Planned Parenthood and step on it!)"
They are like my cousin who got preganant at 14, by her first boyfriend who threatened to dump her for her best friend if she wouldn't sleep with him. No rape, no incest, sorry. Chin up though, you and your kid can have one of those "my mom is my best friend relationships."
No, after weighing her options, she had an abortion.
A baby should be a welcome, wonderful experience --- not some punishment devised to scare girls into abstinence. (That's what STDs are for, Duh.)
Look, I am all for adoption and teenage moms (if that's what they and their families want), but I don't see how anyone can believe that women should be forced to undertake either of those huge responsibilities. I certainly don't believe every woman pregnant by rape or incest or with a life threatening pregancy should be forced to have an abortion. That too is a great responsibility.
I don't know if a fetus feels pain or at which point fertilized cells even become fetuses. (Does the President also oppose the morning after pill? Jury's still out.) (FYI, the Catholic Church believes that life starts in the sperm. Think about that before casually flipping through the Victoria Secret catalog in your mom's bathroom...) But I do know that there are lines being drawn here that seek to limit the amount and quality of health care available to women, and that is point blank unconstitional and morally wrong. The only unquestioned life in-being, that feels pain and loss and suffers, is the women in question and she should be allowed to live her life. An abortion is often necessary for the physical, if not mental, well-being of the preganant woman. She should not have to make some worthiness showing in order to get it. (Should only married men receive Viagra or Cialis?)
Women's health care and now, criminal law are the only realms in which reasonable people endow fertilized cells with these kinds of rights (Actually, given the Bush administration's stance on stem-cell research, the effects will be felt in all medical and scientific fields.) Airlines don't charge preganant women for a fetus ticket. You can't get a fetus-credit on your tax returns. Fetuses don't have social security numbers. Even the Catholic Church will not baptize a woman's belly. There is something about that first gulp of air, that first blood-curdling wail that tells us a new life has begun.
You want to protect the weakest members of society? Protect babies? Great, excellent. Let's start with allowing women to have longer paid maternity leaves. Give states and cities more money for social workers to keep better track of foster children. Fully fund Head Start.
You want to prevent people from killing their babies, let's work to remove the stigma from psychiatry and encourage anyone who needs it to get free mental health care, so that moms suffering from PPD don't drown little ones in tubs and fathers struggling to cope with the burdens of child rearing don't shake little Timmy to death.
Tired of babies dying?
How about paying for dedicated researchers to cure SID, juvenile diabetes, cancer, muscular dystrophy?
Too much? Too hard? Yeah, it's much easier painting bloody fetuses on placards and screaming about the rights of the unborn.
Well, that's life.

DECIDEDLY HALF FULL

"About 50 percent of the security forces that we've built over the past year stood tall and stood firm," Maj. Gen. Martin Dempsey, commander of the 1st Armored Division, said. "About 40 percent walked off the job because they were intimidated. And about 10 percent actually worked against us."


More here.

Overhead

Girl: I ain't going back there.

Boy: But, sweetie it was just your first day.

Girl: First and Last.

Boy: How are you going to get paid, if you don't go back?

Girl: F*ck that. She can take that check and shove it up her cervix.

Cookie Monster

A sixth-grader has been indefinitely suspended because a classmate reported that he threatened to expose an allergic teacher to lots of peanut butter cookies.
Last Winter one of my company's secretaries had to take a week off because her daughter had been suspended from school for slapping a boy.
Evidently, the boy had been making lewd remarks about certain of her body parts for months. She reported him and he was told to stop. But he didn't, and finally, she slapped him.
The school said that because he merely used words, but she used "violence," the girl faced a mandatory suspension. They would consider the surrounding circumstances and determine the length.
But this nabbing of the 11-year-old peanut butter cookie bandit, takes the cake.

John Ashcroft's America II

Cancer Patient Not Allowed to Board Flight

Creepy

Army Sergeant James Pitts confesses to wife's murder:

"This has devastated me," Pitts' father, also named James, told KIRO-TV of Seattle. "My son called and said, 'I just killed my wife.' ... He's not my son anymore. I feel my son is still in Iraq. You can thank George W. Bush for this."

ONE OF THOSE DAYS

Woke up at 9:35 A.M. Went back to sleep.

John Ashcroft's America

Not only was the contractor who took the photo fired, so was her husband.

ANGEL
Huh? What now? Which father was he talking about? Angel? Holtz? Bland dad? Episodes ago Cordelia apologized to Wes for killing Lila and he accepted, so he must have remembered that he was in love with Lila. How did he think that happened?
My head hurts.
On an unrelated note: Spike and Angel need to hook-up and be done with it.

Line of the night: "C'mon Sparky, this heart's not going to remove itself." hahahahahahahahahaha

Kerry is so very...not so bad

I finally watched the Meet the Press with John Kerry (aired Sunday.) I was impressed. (Although, lay off the Botox...that many injections can't be healthy. And it's a little distracting, I spent much of the first twenty minutes trying to remember where the wrinkles were and then I had to rewind.)

I have some suggestions though:

1) Criticizing Bush's handling of the Iraq war is good; Praising his father's handling of Desert Storm is bad. (Dude, you voted against it, remember?)

2) Distancing yourself from some of the crazy stuff you may have said in your late twenties is good, shifting the focus to what George W. Bush was doing in his late twenties (drunk driving pick-up trucks in podunk Texas, as I recall) is better.

3) Instead of "intrusive" use "transparent" and don't forget to throw in how secretive the current White House is.

4) Unless she has something to hide that will get her thrown in jail, release your wife's tax returns. If you don't, every reporter/moderator from now until election day will be asking you a question that involves the phrase "when Geraldine Ferraro was chosen as Mondale's running-mate in 1984." No good.

5) Stop entertaining this "purple heart" inquiry. Just "Richard Clarke" (a.k.a. "The Paul O'Neill") the General making the ridiculous claims. (i.e. find out what he said when you got the purple heart, release that portion of your record and then ask "which General are you asking about? The one in 1968? or the one in 2004 with a partisan axe to grind?") Works for Bush, everytime.

6) The next time someone mentions Skull and Bones. Stand up and spit on the floor. Then, look them in the eye and say "that's what I think of Skull and Bones." OK, maybe I've got a wee bit of a personal bias -- but it wouldn't hurt.

7) The next time someone mentions Ralph Nader? See #6.

8) Do slam Hamas as a "murderous terrorist organization." Don't say "I agree with the President." Seriously, it makes me queasy and brings back baaaaad memories of "I agree with Governor Bush." It'll cost you ten votes everytime you say it, 2 for Nader and 8 will stay home because "there's no difference between them." I don't care if you do agree with Bush, you state your position affirmatively and if they follow-up with "How's that different from Bush? You say "because he says it, I mean it" or something to that effect.


9) Enough with the "I've met with" stuff. We get it, people out there like you, they really like you. Just say what you're going to say and try to convince the rest of people you haven't met with to vote for you.

10) Smile more. (Oh, wait... does that hurt because of the Botox? Then, nevermind)

Pesky Job
Yup, the real world has interfered with my blogging, but until blogging somehow buys me an apartment in NYC -- gotta keep my day job.
Speaking of which, yesterday, I won my first motion at New LLP and today I did my second disposition! Woo hoo!

Anytime, Anywhere
On second thought, Karol, watch out for that ceiling. You never know what's gonna kill you.

Oh, that liberal media

Riiiiight. After sitting on Bush's "missing year" for more than three years, now the press wants Kerry's files immediately?

Your point is?

From a CNN article about the four major networks declining to air Mel Gibson's movie in this "post-Janet Jackson" world:

Besides the film's violent content, a television network that airs "The Passion" would also inherit controversy about it. Some Jewish organizations objected to the movie for fear it would cause bad blood between Christians and Jews.

NBC aired the Holocaust tale, "Schindler's List," uncut and without commercial interruption in February 1997, a broadcast sponsored by Ford. NBC estimated 65 million people saw all or part of the film.

UPDATE

CBS *WILL* HOWEVER, AIR FOOTAGE OF PRINCESS DI'S DEATH

Television Update
So, it's official. "Miss Match" has been cancelled.
I saw Lake Bell, a former regular on Miss Match (Victoria, the best friend bartender) on Sunday's "The Practice" and it looks like she's going to be a regular on the new Practice.
Speaking of which, I have seen lots of things on television... I mean dissections, earthquakes, car crashes, The Hamburglar ice surfing, but never before have I seen a show moving on and getting over itself, all at the same time.
I mean, Friends is moving on, yet somehow the characters still seem to be involved in the friendships and have storylines. Fraiser was a spin-off, and so was all about getting over Cheers, but it wasn't like Norm and Sammy were sitting on barstools right next to him while he did it.
But David Kelly, after firing most of his cast, is now cancelling the show and spinning it off all at the same time.
The result?
A fascinating dichotomy in which, scenes filmed at "The Practice" just serve to drag on the plotline of the show "The Practice."
Luckily, I have Tivo and can fast forward whenever I see Steven Spielberg's stupid stepdaughter on screen.
I am actually looking forward to this new Practice... hmmm... it's going to need a name.
"Working for the Man Every Night and Day"? Naah, that's more of a theme song...
"The Corporate Practice"?
"Sharks"? oh, the opportunities are endless.
I wanna see Helen Gamble face-off with the Rebecca de Morney character. And Eugene as a judge on a case Alan Shore is trying... oh, baby...
But, don't get too attached. Gina Gershon seems to be in the cast and her television shows never make it to season's end.

Rethinking Uncle Tom

You know how they say, "well, I may have said some things in anger"?
Well, these are some of those things.
Uncle Tom was a slave.
He was sold as a slave to pay off gambling debts. He was bought as a slave by an abusive psychotic. He couldn't read, write, have opinions.
Uncle Tom was not a man.
But Uncle Tom was a survivor. Without Uncle Tom there is no black American. There is no me. Harry Belafonte famously attempted to insult the Secretary of State by calling him an "Uncle Tom." But without Uncle Tom, there is no Harry Belafonte. While we may not be biological descendants of the American slave, we are most definitely Uncle Tom's historical heirs.
Why?
Simply put, only two kinds of slaves survived the centuries of degradation, abuse and dehumanization: those who ran and those who submit.
Fighters were killed. Conspirators were killed. Leaders, uprisers, rebels? Dead, dead and oh yeah, dead.
You either ran or you obeyed. That is how you lived.
The ignorance and hubris of modern-day observers who decide that Uncle Tom is to be ridiculed and used to embarrass African-American leaders is appalling.
I saw a post the other day, lampooning Powell and Dr. Rice as Bush's "Uncle Tom" slaves.
While most of the commenters seemed to take issue with the comparison, none challenged the premise that "Uncle Tom" was a villainous figure -- the dark skinned Benedict Arnold.
He was no such thing.
In the midst of the most unimaginable horrors of slavery, in a country that legally considered him a fraction of a man and taught him to think of himself as property, he survived.
He lived with an honor and a dignity that is unseen in this day and age when stereotypes and catchy slogans substitute for national discourse and political dissent.
Disagree with Colin Powell's position on the war? Fine. (Although, it should be noted that Colin Powell wanted Iraq to be a U.N. action. He worked for months building an international coalition and when he shored up the votes he took the resolution to the U.N. Then he found himself with a croissant in his back and BMW tire tracks across his body when France and Germany backed-out of their deal and publicly humiliated him.)
But American slavery is over. Colin Powell is paid handsomely for his work. He has the opportunity, skills and ambition to do whatever he wants after his work in the White House is over. Uncle Tom had no such opportunities.
Not to take anything away from the slaves who ran (in fact, after a friend, to no avail, tried to point out the North Star to me in a clear Vermont sky this past winter, I realized there was no way I would have made it through the Underground Railroad) but if all the slaves ran, the masters would surely have figured out a way to shut the railroad down.
No, some had to stay and survive.
That is who Uncle Tom is.
I know I couldn't have lived a day in his chains and I doubt those who use his name for mockery could do it either.
Although, a day in his chains might do their egos some good.

LUKE, I AM YOUR...UNCLE?

Dear Mr. Alias writer: Really? Three years and that's where you've been going with this?

BLOG-A-POLOOZA

OK, I can't believe I am the last of the blogosphere to post about the evening otherwise known as Karol's birthday celebration. I think first place goes to Ken, next up Yaron and then, the almost-30-year-old herself.
My big news of the night:
Peter introduced me to my cyber-nemesis Radical Redneck. Happily, after all the months of offensive, vile, grostesque commenting all over the blogosphere, there was no bloodshed.

But bigger news of the night: I also met Ken, Yaron , Ari, Fish, Ivan and Owen, most of whom I have shamelessly stolen ideas from, in putting Clarefied together.
Lisa totally made my night when she said she reads my blog everyday! Oddly enough, it turns out she has a new blog too that I started reading last week (Check out this post) and will be added to the mutual admiration society known as the blogroll!

The thing that struck me most about about the bloggers that I met was how adorable, if not downright hot, they all were. The pop culture image of the "Comic Store Guy" from the Simpsons as your computer, chat room blogger is way off-base!
(Although one girl's attempt to bring back bangs is a tad questionable.)
That night I also discovered one pitfall of smoke-free bars and restaurants: Loud, smoke-filled streets outside of bars and restaurants. At one point, the bar's bouncer told us to go back inside if we wanted to make noise. Minutes later he said, if you're not smoking, go inside. Karol grabbed a stick and lit up promptly.
"You don't smoke...cigarettes," I accused.
"Well, I feel like I have to."
Like I always say, Karol's birthday: come for the links, stay for anecdotes to blog about. See y'all next year...
(I think this post has more links per capita than any other post in blogging history.)

ISN'T IT IRONIC: Part Deux

Jim Cantalupo, chairman and CEO of McDonald's Corp., who has worked in the past year to restore the luster of an ailing brand and bring in new, healthier menu options, died early Monday of a sudden and unexpected heartache.

I guess they've gotta tweak the menu a bit.

HOLD YOUR BREATH

I'm sure that the conservatives so quick to deplore the suggestion that Secretary Rumsfeld should be shot, will step up to denounce their cohorts who are now threatening Jamie Gorelick's life.

Wait for it...

OSAMOROSA* INDEED

Woah, Nelly. F-Train remarked that Omarosa television taped lie may cost her a professional future. Well, turns out her professional past may cost her a professional future.

* Any similarity to an international terrorist's name and a reality television star is completely accidental.

"Kind of a wake-up call for everybody"

After porno star tests positive for HIV virus, producers shut down the sets.

It's 2004. Who knew porn stars slept so soundly.

Dear Red Cross,

I got another screening category for you.

Dawn

Now, if only I had bet on it!

As predicted, Bill won. Ginger has a great post about why.

Kwame, however, lost.

He has no sense of human nature. Sure, picking Assaroma second was the best he could do given that Bill had first pick -- but once she bleeped up the first task -- twice. He should have given her the task of sweeping up the lobby floor, cleaning gum off of Jessica's shoes, you get the idea.

Omarosa said it best "I was called to the boardroom three times. Twice, it was Kwame who brought me there."

She had no reason to help him succeed. He should have known that -- as Bill did. Think his micromanaging was a fluke? Bill's mama ain't raise no dummy. That's just not something that they can teach ya at Harvard Business School.... now, the law school, that's a different story. Those sharks pants the B-schoolers on a daily basis. Even the dual JD/MBA candidates pants themselves just to stay sharp!

Spain to Legalize Gay Marriage

If a gay couple gets married in Spain and moves to NY, will the state recognize their union?

Crazy.

via Intl News

Gag...'You're Hired'

The Donald is building up the idea that he's going to pick Kwame so much, I'm beginning to think it'll definitely be Bill.
Do you think he gets health insurance with that?

Random

I went to the Ruben Studdard concert in NYC last night. He now has his own record label (to which he signed his back-up singer) and a children's foundation. He advised young people to register to vote and support the arts in public schools. Also, there was some singing and attempted dancing involved.

On an unrelated note, after the show I saw, Martha juror, Chappell Hartridge in the lobby of the theater!
I thought about asking him if he lied on his juror questionnaire, but since he is alleged to have beaten a woman, I decided to silently follow him instead. First, he went to the men's room and then he loitered outside the concert hall for a bit before going into the liquor store next door and buying a quart of Jamaican rum. I lost him after he left the store and turned off Broadway. (A long red coat and bright red hat are probably not the best attire for undercover work...)

Via Intl News:

SORORITY OUT FOR BLOOD

Literally.

Sorority sisters told to lie on form if they have any conditions which would preclude them from giving blood, like piercings, tatoos, colds.

People go nuts for the sororities/fraternities sometimes, my freshman year roommate couldn't shower for all of pledge week and if she answered the phone, it had to be with a series of barking sounds. Go figure.

But the story also brings up the issue of the standards the Red Cross is setting for blood donation. Including the conditions mentioned above, people who have ever sex with anyone who was born or lived in certain African countries or lived in England in the 90s are eliminated from the blood pool.

Aren't they testing and screening all donated blood anyway? Can we afford to be this picky?

Counterblogging

I didn't get home in time to watch Bush's press conference, but I watched clips last night when I got home. My thoughts?
Lileks says: We have a stark choice: Bush’s blunt and frequently inarticulate remarks, versus Kerry’s prolix, labrynthic diplobabble.

Umm, if you're saying the choice is between regular babble "Look, nobody likes to see dead people on their television screens." (Yeah, with nine of the top 20 shows on television about homicide crimes, including two Law and Orders and two CSIs, that's the issue.) and diplobabble -- give me diplobabble any day.

No, my last night was spent watching Rory and Paris 'Go Wild' on Gilmore's Spring Break. Watercooler moment:

Paris and Rory burst into their dorm lobby, drenched from head to toe from a sudden New Haven downpour, a passer-by on her way out asks:
"Hey, is it raining?"
Reply?
"No. It's National Baptism Day. Get your tubes tied, idiot."

hahahahahahahaha

But a close second:
Rory: I get the radiator ... you got it last time.
Paris: Did not.
Rory: Yes, you did. You hogged the whole thing with your books and your 'Al Gore please don't endorse me' sweatshirt.

hahahahahahahahahaaha

All in all, a fun time was had by all. If you liked attending Yale as an undergrad, the show is a must watch. I think it's good generally, but I definitely love the trips down memory lane -- certainly if you worked on the Yale Daily News in 1994-1996ish, the "Editor-In-Chief" character played by Buffy's 'Jonathan' will definitely bring back memories.

hahahahahahahahahaha

NYT NOT GOOD FOR HEADLINES

The New York Post is good for something. It's a flair missing in the city's paper of record. In a story this morning about the Simpsons' cast salary standoff with Fox, the NYT print edition headline was "D'oh Am I underpaid?"

Dudes, loosen up! How about:

'Apu'tcha money where our mouths are
"Fox Burns cast on salary negotiations"
"Don't Selma me short, Patti me on the back"
"Cast wants more Scratchy, Fox is Itchy"
"Cast wants a Cash-Cowabunga"
"Fox: We Don't have a cash-cow Man"
'Spring'field wants a jump in salary

Justice Scalia plugs blog in apology letter!

Well...sort of.

"The marshals were doing what they believed to be their job, and the fault was mine for not assuring that the ground rules had been clarified."

LIFE EXPERIENCE #41

A live conference call is no time to start figuring out what all the buttons on your phone are for.

Related corollary: Don't assume the only unlabelled button must be the 'mute' button. Not so.

Television Follow-up Questions

1. Did Fox ever air the finale of the littlest groom? What was the outcome?

2. In Buffy Season 3, the episode 'The Wish' has the Master rising because Cordelia wishes that Buffy never came to Sunnydale, but in the Season 1 finale, the Master tells Buffy that if she didn't come, he couldn't go, so what's the dealio? How did he get out without the Buffster in 'The Wish'

Yes, this is what happens when one runs out of space on the Tivo machine and spends hours dubbing and deleting previously recorded programming.

DON'T HOLD YOUR BREATH

Newly crowned Miss U.S.A. wants to use her bully pulpit to muster support for the Iraq war. How long before the conservative right, who so often complain about celebrities putting in their two cents in the political arena, tells the Missouri beauty to shut up and just look pretty?
Now?
How bout now?
Now?
How bout now?

Subway Happenings

Struggling to get through the rest of my book of short stories (seriously, note to self, don't ever buy another book of short stories), I glanced up and caught a middle-aged woman applying lip liner on the subway.

I've always wondered about these women who apply make-up while speeding through underground tunnels at 30 mph and swaying side-to-side. I went back to reading when I heard something clink to the floor. My eyes followed the sound and saw a small black cap lying about a foot away on the floor. I looked up at the woman again and saw that she was placing the cap on her liner. I started to look around for the cap's owner, when I noticed that on the other end of her lip liner was an exposed mascara brush with the black stuff all clumped on. The woman snapped the cap shut on the lip liner and proceeded to put all her makeup back in its bag, so that she could stand up and retrieve the errant cap from the floor.

I looked at the cap and noted that even though the train was chugging along across the Manhattan bridge, it lay perfectly still. (I know, there is some Physics principle involved here, but I didn't understand it in 11th grade and I don't understand it now.) Of course, the train was crowded and a guy in a business suit was standing inches in front of the cap, completely oblivious to the situation. A couple of minutes went by and the woman was still trying to clear off her lap. The businessman shifted his weight, inching closer to the cap. It was still where it had fallen and I wondered if I should get it for her. Finally, she started to get up, balancing her stocky frame by holding on to the pole in the middle of the car.
She's got it, I thought, as I re-opened my book. Moments after I found the the last line that I had read, an unnatural cracking sound reverberated through the car.
I look at the ground.
The businessman had crushed the cap beneath his wingtips. Small pieces of black plastic were now strewn around the largest piece of the cap, which was now considerably flatter and had lengthy cracks in it. I looked for the woman. Seeing, the extent of the damage, she let go of the pole and slumped back down in her seat.
She took out a tissue and wrapped the clumpy brush in it and put the whole stick back in her purse.
She had been so close.

HARSH LIGHT OF THE MEDIA

She wore *this* to Easter services?

KIDS AND GUNS

"A 13-year-old boy accused of accidentally shooting his younger brother during a game of "cowboys and Indians" has been charged with manslaughter. "

Well, at least his 2nd amendment rights weren't trampled.

Via Intl News

SAD




Via Rubber Hose

Hope they're not working to build Bush a body.

Thanks, Jayson Blair

After watching the second or third Law & Order series do its take on the Jayson Blair fiasco, I realized that thanks to him, there is now one more role for African-American actors to play.

He didn't bet on black

Yet, HE WON!

On Good Morning America this morning, Ashley Revell, who sold all his possessions and gambled the proceeds on a single roulette spin in Vegas, said that his first order of business was to buy new underwear since he won his gamble and doubled his money.

Now, my question: who bought this guy's used underwear?

YEAH, MORE GUNS ON PLANES

That'll make flights safer.

Via So May It Secretly Begin

Random Thought # 15,356

All I know about the Alamo is that I'm supposed to remember it.

Not-so Random Thought #7

Can someone be too stupid to date?

Burning Question

Why is it these things are fun on 'Reality TV,' but not in reality?

Off-Road Rage?

Prosecutors charge man with murder after he kills another man who was trying to steal his car.

Reminds me of this story.

Also, I would like noted for certain snobby people, that a man was willing to kill and another man died, for ... a HONDA!!

Told ya they were cool.

WHAT WOULD JESUS DO?

This story about the Georgia Archbishop excluding women from Maundy Thursday foot-washing rituals in his diocese, reminded me of one aspect of the Catholic church that has long-annoyed me.
When I was 15, I started doing the Sunday readings on the altar during mass. I did it every Sunday, sometimes also on Saturdays, for a year and a half.
I was enthusiastic, projected-well and had impeccable English pronounciation. Now, I don't want to say "beloved by all," but if they did reviews in the weekly bulletin, that's what it would say.
In March of my second year of reading, the parish got a new pastor -- a Monsignor from Haiti.
Suddenly, I was beloved by all, but one.
He didn't think women should be on the altar at all and certainly not doing the biblical readings. Enough people complained the first week after my removal, that I was reinstated, but on Easter Sunday he emphatically refused to let me stay on the altar.
"You read and then go back to the pew." Words don't quite convey the tone of "and don't let your girly cooties soil the pulpit while you're up there."
My mom was livid. I've mentioned her penchant for grudge-holding revenge before and this was no different.
After Easter mass she swore she wouldn't go back to the E.C.B. parish until he was gone, she resigned from teaching Sunday School and stopped donating money to the Church.
We wrote letters to the Vatican.
I stayed with the Church, though and kept reading under the new rules -- hoping to change this stubborn male-dominated mind-set. I never did.
The Pope has since issued orders marginalizing women further, sometimes priests protest the rulings
as they are doing in Georgia, but most times they are enforced without a word.
It's sad, really.
News via Iocaste

ISN'T IT IRONIC

Justice Antonin Scalia said in a speech yesterday:

"The Constitution of the United States is extraordinary and amazing. People just don't revere it like they used to," Scalia told a full auditorium of high school students, officials, religious leaders.

His deputy marshals then seized the tape recorders of reporters in the room and erased them.

God Bless America

There's a huge television in the middle of Times Square in NYC right now showing Rice's testimony before the 9/11 Commission.

On my way to work, I stopped to watch a bit of it and since NBC hasn't figured out how to get audio through (or how to turn on the Closed Captioning feature) I was just struck by the visual scene.

A sole African-American woman wearing a simple gray suit sitting in front of about two dozen white men, not serving them, not entertaining them, just talking to them.

Then, behind her, scores of unemployed widows, who through sheer force of will, made the President's advisors and some of the most powerful political forces of our time, come together on a Thursday morning before all the world to explain why their husbands are dead.

Un-freaking-believable. Only in America.

Bicka-bicka Boo?


Boo-Shaaa!
Not getting the hopes up until the second round though.

UPDATE

Remember the Utah woman who refused a C-section and was charged with murder?

She pled guilty to two counts of child endangerment. Prosecutors dropped the murder charge.

UPDATE

Remember the case where the public defender asked to be released from representation, after the defendant punched her colleague?
He was sentenced to life in prison.

WHAT'S IN A NAME?

I'm obsessed with this post.

Thoughts?

DEPRESSING

My friend's wife just had a baby girl (who now shares my middle name, I might add. Coincidence? I don't think so.) and I went looking for a gift for her. Here's one item that popped up under "girl baby fashion:"




Yeah, hip-hugger, boot leg jeans for babies. It's what all the cool rug rats are wearing.

More fun with babies here:

I particularly like:

"It's all take, take, take, and nothing in return.
I'm not joking. About two weeks after he came home, I turned to Ari, sitting in his rocking chair, and said something in baby talk. He turned his head and looked at me. And it was the most wonderful, amazing moment of my life. I was like, "finally! There's a point to this nightmare!"

Let's think about this for a second. I was excited because he looked at me. That's how starved for reciprocity I am. We feed the kid (well, Elisa does. I don't have boobs. More on that later), clothe him (every five minutes since he keeps puking on himself), bathe him (the puking thing again), provide shelter, and cater to his every whim. In return, we ... don't go to jail. That's it!

Ari better thank whoever wrote the criminal code."

Think she'll do 'Against All Enemies,' next?

Iocaste has posted a great review of 'Price of Loyalty.'

Money quote:

O’Neill is at his most convincing when he compares the workings of the Bush White House with the workings of the Nixon and Ford White Houses. O’Neill explains how those presidents required detailed briefings on proposed policy initiatives and encouraged freewheeling discussions. By contrast, Bush can barely digest single-page memos, and holds meetings where the Cabinet heads are instructed, ahead of time, to speak only on particular subjects and to express particular ideas. (I imagine those must be pretty short meetings – “Well, guys, we all know what we think …”) Nixon and Ford could “hold the center in any room on any issue”; Bush eschews analysis and tells O’Neill that he just “goes on instinct.”

In other words, the Bush motto: “Don’t confuse me with facts.”

I also agree with her point that "as liberal as I am, I’m distrustful of anyone as liberal as me. (In other words, I’m a bit leery of any club that would have me as a member). "

hahahahahahahahaha

LET'S GO METS!


In unrelated news: Heh heh heh

First Jesus, now 'Pants'

MTV is bleeping the words "get in my pants" from Avril Lavigne's new video for the song "Don't Tell Me." Meanwhile, she spends half the video prancing around in her underwear and breaking glass.

WTF?

SAY WHAT?

Was it me or did Charlie Gibson ask the new Bachelor, Jesse Palmer, if "he really needed a television show to get chicks"?

U CONN DO IT

Wow. Rioting in Connecticut for the next two days after the men and women capture basketball championships.

THAT'S GOING TO LEAVE A SCAR

Woman performs C-Section on self. Maybe she was scared the Utah police would arrest her if she didn't.

ALL ABOUT EDUCATION AND INFORMATION

Today's Bleat zaps the right:

"Apparently the paper assumes that people are interested in what O’Reilly thinks about talk radio. But when was the last time you heard someone say “you know, Bill O’Reilly made an excellent argument about that very point.” He’s a red throbbing thumb, and that’s all. And in the other hand: his hammer."


And the left:

"Americans strung up and burned. Big-time blogger says “screw them.” Blogger suffers blowback, just as a mainstream columnist would suffer if he wrote that it was time to nuke Mecca or pave Fallujah. And there are consequences? Welcome to the real world. "

That is all.

John Kerry 2.0

In an effort to stay off the campaign trail, John Kerry has one elective surgery too many.

Please note: nothing posted on this site is intended as a criticism of any actual Democratic nominee for President.

WHO SAYS WE HAVE A JOBLESS RECOVERY?

Rich foreign worker pays man to sleep in immigration line for her.

Gabriella A. Barschdorff, a vice president for strategic investment at J. P. Morgan Chase in New York, is not exactly the huddled-masses type. But one rainy day last week, shortly before 7 a.m., she joined the long, bedraggled line of immigrants standing outside 26 Federal Plaza in downtown Manhattan. There she took the spot held for her by a young man she had hired to camp out in his sleeping bag.

Open Mouth, Insert Foot

I went out to dinner Sunday night with my mom and her sister. Thirty minutes after the food arrived, me and my mom were pretty much done. Her sister, on the hand, was still nibbling on the appetizer. After twenty minutes, I started to strum my fingers on the table.
"Yeah, I eat slowly. Everyone always says that," she mumbled between swallows.
"Oh, don't worry about it," I said feeling a tad guilty for the strumming, "It's weird though, they always say that people who eat slowly are thinnn..."
Hmm.... how can I end that sentence now that my 5'2, 310lb aunt is staring at me with a french fry hanging out of her mouth?

"are thinnnnnnnking about the conversation more than focussing on the eating, so you are a much better dinner companion than us."
"Oh, I have to remember that the next time it comes up."
Whew.

Random Thought # 15, 101
**Spoiler for Sunday's Soprano**

If Adriana had told the doctor about what was going on in her life. What would he have said? "Hmm... I see, double-crossing your mobbed-up fiance to the FBI is probably putting a stress on your gastrointestinal system. Just come clean with him and i'm sure the diarrhea will stop."

UNFORTUNATE HEADLINE

Condi Can Do Bush

GOVERNOR SUPPORTS DRIVER'S LICENSES FOR ILLEGAL ALIENS

A measure which many cite as the downfall of California's Gray Davis has now gotten the nod from an unlikely East Coast Governor: Jeb Bush.

Stay tuned for an update on the madness of the world from future Democrat, Karol.

RUSSIA WATCH

One week after Russian "President" Vladimir Putin expressed anger over the inclusion of three former Soviet Union nations in NATO, Russia is now bristling at the expansion of the EU:

Dmitry Trenin, deputy director of the US-based Carnegie Moscow Center research institute, says that the expanding EU zone -- which one day could take in the former Soviet republic of Ukraine and even Georgia -- clashes with Russia's interests.

"Our leaders have decided that Western integration, which would mean conforming to European democratic norms and getting rid of autocracy, is not suitable for us," he said, adding that Moscow was determined to reestablish influence in the ex-Soviet Union.

The clash may spark trade wars in the region.

In other news from Eastern Europe, Lithuania's President has been impeached.

Evidently, I'm not over 9/11/01 either

This freaked me out:

KUCINICH '04

John Kerry is so very... bad.

Please note: nothing posted on this site is intended as a criticism of any actual Democratic nominee for President.

THE BRITISH ARE COMING, THE BRITISH ARE COMING

The pound now fetches two American dollars! And the *gasp* Euro will get you about a buck and a half. So guess what?...

Get ready for another British invasion. The weak dollar means that Europeans will be coming to the United States in droves this spring and summer.

With a strong pound and current low-season round-trip airfares in the $200 range between London and New York, Britons already are filling hotels and outlet malls in and around East Coast cities -- to them, the United States is one big half-price sale.

That's great news for U.S. airlines and hotels that are predicting sellouts -- and a warning to Americans planning summer breaks closer to home to make reservations now.

SELLING LOVE FOR CASH

Doctors doin' it old school.

BLACK WOMEN AND HIV INFECTION

"However, we are concerned enough to tell women of all socioeconomic groups to ask their partners about their sero status and if they are having sex with men," he said, referring to H.I.V. status.

A tangle of factors heightens the risk for black women.

No one knows for sure how much the spread of the AIDS virus among blacks can be attributed to the behavior of bisexual men. Some reports have suggested that black men are more likely to keep their bisexuality a secret for a variety of reasons, but that, too, is hard to quantify.

Still, researchers say it comes down to a numbers game: blacks make up roughly 12 percent of the nation's population but in 2002 accounted for 42 percent of people living with AIDS and more than half of all new infections. Blacks tend to have sexual relations with other blacks, experts say, which works to confine the virus within the African-American "sexual network."

"A high prevalence of infection in the pool of potential partners can spread sexually transmitted infections rapidly within the ethnic group and keep it there," said Dr. Adaora A. Adimora, an infectious disease physician and associate professor at the University of North Carolina School of Medicine in Chapel Hill.

Read more.

I don't really like the article's focus on "secret bisexuality" as the cause of the increase in HIV infections among black women. It smacks of the 1980s "gay cancer" charge and takes the onus off women to be responsible for protecting their own health, regardless of who else (male or female) their partner may be sleeping with. This paragraph is particularly telling:

"She and others cite several other factors. Perhaps the most vexing may be the shortage of black men as potential partners. This gender gap, experts say, may lead black women to make unsafe sexual decisions and raise their risk of infection.

"Large numbers of black men are in prison, or unemployed, or dead, so there is simply a smaller pool of available partners to choose from," said Dr. Gail E. Wyatt, a psychiatry professor and an associate director of the University of California, Los Angeles, AIDS Institute. "So while women are quite concerned about being infected with H.I.V., the threat of death is not enough to persuade black women to protect themselves if it means being alone, childless and with less income."

Now, that's some crazy bull****.

Clareified, all about education and information.

For Shame, Today Show, For Shame

In some lame "on location" segment, Katie Couric and the Today Show crew were in Times Square this morning ostensibly doing a piece about the area's 100th anniversary.

At some point, Matt Lauer coaxed Katie to head on "over to that other show and rub their noses in it."

What is he, five?

Hopefully, tomorrow Diane Sawyer heads over to Rockefeller Center for, as Gib calls it, Lauer's "performance review."

THAT'S THE E.C.B!

Police are searching for three armed robbers who shot an employee at a convenience store in the East Flatbush section of Brooklyn early Monday morning.

The robbers held up David Fruits Market on Church Avenue and forced three workers into a back room. They shot one of the employees in the head.

“On the floor there's a lot of blood,” said the owner of the store, Hung Ho Kim, who was not present but saw a surveillance video of the robbery. “Three guys with big shotguns.”

Read more.

I'm Telling Laura


Bush and Cheney to "testify" together in private

Me: What? Why are Bush and Cheney testifying together?

Karol: Because they are lovers. They do everything together.

EXCESSIVE TV WATCHING CAUSES ATTENTION DEFICIT....

What was I saying?

Oh yeah, stupid Daylight Saving's Time messed up my TIVO yesterday and consequently, I missed the new Simpsons and Arrested Development. Grrr arrgghh.

AMTRAK: I WANT MY TAX DOLLARS BACK
Originally, I thought this post would be all about the virtues of the 7-hour rule. For those of you normal-probably-happy-people who aren't working on a busy federal civil lawsuit, the seven-hour rule is like the old 15-minute rule from high school. Except, instead of greedily watching the minutes tick by until you're free to ditch class due to a tardy instructor --- you greedily watch the minutes tick by until 420 minutes later, the federal government mandates opposing counsel to take a big steaming gulp from the shut-your-piehole mug. Of course, with cross examination and a gaggle of co-counsel it's really 9 and a half hours until you are released into the fresh air on a rainy, evening in Philadelphia.

(Funny sidenote, when the, as Karol calls it, "disposition" was over, our hosts said it would be fairly easy to catch cabs on the corner. She then inched over to me and whispered, "there's a hotel around the corner and the concierge can probably get one for you." Hmmm can you spot the black person in the room?)

But that was all before the train ride from hell (cue the echo sound and haunted music).

I got to Philly's Amtrak station at 5:58 p.m -- a train was departing for NYC at 6:09. I did my little "I rule, I rule, I rule" dance. At 6:07 the ticket taker lady tells me my return ticket to NYC is no good for the "Metroliner." In my best Julia-Roberts-in-Pretty-Woman I pull out my fancy American Express card and ask to upgrade to the "Metroliner," (But, but I have credit…) Too late, wait for the 6:50.

At 6:30 (after having my cell phone die in a too-long conversation with a conservative gun nut who questioned my patriotism) I realize there is another train leaving for NYC at 6:38. Alas, my ticket is also no good for the "Acela." This time the lady is willing to upgrade me -- for $50. I do some quick calculating and realize it's not worth it to save waiting 12 more minutes. So I sit tight and finally board the "general riff-raff and vagrants train" that my ticket is good for.

About two stops out of Philly, the train stops.
The lights go out. Steam releases from … somewhere and then all is silence.

Damn me and my freaking calculating, I've never been good at math, I will never be good at math, when will I ever learn.

Twenty minutes later God comes over the speaker: (hey, booming voice, darkness, what would you think?)

"Ladies and Gentlemen, there's a disabled train ahead. We will be stopping to pick up its passengers and this train will now be going local."
Sure enough, haggard looking, pissed off passengers trudge aboard in single file lugging suitcases, briefcases, strollers… I hear a voice yell in my direction "Miss! You dropped your wallet" I glance up from my book (a collection of short stories written by a young African-American woman from Yale. Note to self: I hate short stories.) and check for my wallet. But, the voice wasn't talking to me (I know, I know, I'm a decade past the "Miss" stage anyways.) It was talking to a wisp of a girl who was now sitting next to me. From her lanyard keychain, I could see her name was "Tannya." Either an unusual spelling or an uncorrectable arts and crafts disaster. And indeed, through the emergency lights I could see her Justin Timberlake wallet on the floor.
"Thank you," she whispered through her braces and bubble-gum.
For what seemed like an eternity, the train sat at the station in the dark. Then, four conductors came aboard carrying two huge suitcases and trailed by a chubby, blond.
"I'm so sorry. I just don't feel comfortable having them under the train."
"That's alright Dawn, but we're going to have to put one under there. The train's packed to capacity now."
Eeek! She has my name.

"Well, ok, put them down. I have to figure out which one has my lucky sweater."
Cue Jeopardy tune as this intellectual giant unzips first, one suitcase and then the other, looking for a sweater, on a train, IN THE DARK.

Headline flashes: Enraged New Yorker kills woman with Same Name

"Ok, you can put that one down there. My sweater will keep it safe."

Two of the porters now walk backwards heaving the lucky sweater and 90 other pounds of crap back down to the platform.

As Evil Dawn walked by, her necklace, replete with a Diamond initial 'D' glinted in the moonlight.

"Woman strangled with initial chain by woman with same name."

After some "breaker, breaker, one two" talk over the walkie talkies, the lights came on and the train began to move. Outside my window I saw the disabled train. Rain was hitting it pretty steadily and a stream of water poured down its side as it stood motionless. Repairmen and police walked along the train top shining flashlights every which way looking for answers. Some of the rescued passengers said there was smoke billowing from the top and that firefighters had been called to the scene. I thought about Spain for a moment, but the frightening thought soon vanished, replaced instead, by that warm feeling of just comeuppance when my train pulled far enough away for me to read "Metroliner" in bright blue letters across the side of the disabled cars.

"Big, mistake, big. Huge. I'm going home now." Julia would be proud.

Finally, we were underway. Local.
Who the hell knew Pennsylvania had so many damn towns. The kid next to me was getting nervous. Everytime we'd stop, she'd look around.
"What stop is this?"
New Brunswick.
What stop is this?
Old Brunswick.
What stop is this?
Look, kid. I've already mentally killed one passenger twice, you don't want to be next.
Finally she says "Where are you going"
"New York Penn Station."
Huge smile "OK, then I get off with you."
Thank God. She woulda kept that 'what stop is this?' stuff all night.
She offers me one of her Milano cookies. I feel badly for almost mentally killing her.

Suddenly, the mom in the Spanish-speaking family sitting in front of us, jumps up screaming: "Murcialago Ai Ai Ai" The rest of her family starts screaming and the conductor bursts into the car to find out what's wrong. The eldest daughter translates through the screaming.
"She saw a bat. Up there."
The mother then says "no, nah bat, um how do you say, um like Mickey Mouse"
A mouse?
"No bigger -- the big mouse."
"Rat"
"Si"
The conductor -- a woman -- turns ashen and walkie-talkies for assistance.

(The kid, by the way, finds it all hilarious and calls her mom to tell her. I think they are speaking Chinese, but when it comes to rat or bat, she says that in English and then proceeds to reenact the woman screaming and jumping, all the while laughing and munching on Milanos.)

A man conductor comes by now "to assess the situation."
"Nothing to worry about ladies. Sometimes we get a few critters on board when the trains are docked at the yard. Nothing to worry about. They are harmless."

Now, he doesn't know this. But I have not met an animal yet, that I couldn't imagine how it could kill me, forget harm.
Dogs: Bite to the jugular.
Cats: Scratch to the jugular.
Snakes: Swallowing whole.
Goldfish: Jump out of bowl and lodge horizontally in throat.

"Sir, can I change my seat?"
"Umm.. we're pretty packed, but I think there's one in the last car."
"Ok, I'll take it!"

I started up--- when I noticed the kid was no longer giggling. In fact, she was looking up at me with that… that face.

I've seen that face before.

My high school went from 5th grade to 12th grade. When I was in 10th grade, my pediatrician's son, started the 7th grade. My mom told me to "look out for him." (Basically, he was what happens to little black boys raised in Greenwich, CT. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but I'm just sayin.')
We were on the same school bus and one day he ended up getting in a fight with a Russian boy in my grade. (Somebody took somebody's hat and then somebody got teased for letting his hat get taken and then somebody threw a punch and next thing you know the bus driver -- as the old threat goes -- actually did 'turn this bus around' and took us back to the school.) When the driver got off the bus to get the Headmaster, I looked at my watch and realized that although I was going to miss "Ducktales," due to this delay, if I got on the city bus, I probably wouldn't miss "Double Dare." So I made what would not be my last television-based decision and hopped off the schoolbus. But there was Robert looking out the window at me, shirt all torn, tears running down his face. I flipped through my collection of bus passes and found one that was the same color as the valid pass and told him he could come with me if he wanted.

But there was only seat in the other car, I couldn't take Chinese girl Robert with me. So I glumly sat back in my seat.
"That's ok. I'll stay here."

She smiled and offered me another Milano. This time I took it. If the rat/bat came for my jugular, I'd offer up the cookie as a substitute. Or the kid.
All went swimmingly, until God announced "next stop Newark Penn Station."
Kid: "We get off now? New York Penn Station."
"No, it's Newark, not New York."
"New York, yes?
Hmmm, Newark does sound like New York. Why the hell would they give the stations the same name?
Bastards.
I started running through all the Chinese I know…"mother" "father" "I am an American"… four years with three Chinese roommates and "mother, father and I am an American" is all I've got. Well, and "nee-ga Science Hill," but that's not going to help either.
The train stops and now I wonder, maybe the kid is supposed to go to Newark Penn Station. Now it's sounding the same to me too.
"Umm… New York, Statue of Liberty and Empire State Building Penn Station" or "New Jersey, Sopranos…" What else has Newark got…
"New York Penn Station. TRL, MTV"
"Ah. That I understand. OK, not this stop."
Three hours, 42 minutes after my ordeal began, we pull into Penn Station. The real one, you bastard New Jersey poseurs.
I see the kid's mom waiting for her on the platform.
We get off, she waves goodbye.
I am tired. My laptop and "disposition" materials are very heavy. I decide to take a cab home.

Long story short: you know the rush you get from driving across a really long bridge when your gas gauge is on 'Empty?'

Well, when you have less than thirty bucks in cash and your taxi cab takes a toll tunnel and the meter is running and you realize you've forgotten to calculate the night-time surcharge (because Dammit to hell for the last time, you SUCK AT MATH), trying to control the meter with your mind while holding your wad of cash in your sweaty palm and figuring out how close to your house you can get without going over, is pretty much the same thrill.

ON AIR
I'm listening to James Lileks and the good Professor on the Hugh Hewitt show on the other side of the dial:

1. Lileks is actually pronounced "LIE-LEKS" Long eye sound. Who knew?

2. The blogosphere knows more than the inside-the-beltway set.

3. "Micro-blogging" v. "Macro-blogging."

4. Lileks pays for overages when too many people visit.

5. Leftie blogs aren't funny (Oh yeah? What's brown and sticky? A stick! HA!)

6. Steve den Beste is "spock-like," so sayeth Lileks.

7. 5% of Americans read weblogs.

8. I still don't like streaming radio and I have to get an office radio soon.

9. Viking kitties???

10. I've got to get that pass-along factor.

11. Instapundit is blogging his own interview! (He must have a super-silent keyboard, because I haven't heard any key-clacking)

12. I need to get some "smart people credentials" that'll teach Karol.

13. Blogosphere = Echo-chamber of self-regard.

TAKE THAT NYU

Rankings: it's what justifies the six figure debt I incurred.

KAN'T KID A KIDDER, KUTCHER

Remeber when Punk'd creator Ashton Kutcher announced that his show was ending because he wanted to go out on top and felt threatened by scary celebs like Emimem? Remember when he swore that the announcement wasn't a joke?

Well, today, April Fool's Day, he announces that he's bringing the show back. No foolin'.

Yeah, right.

NYPD TO BUSH: FUGGEDABOUTIT

"New York City will be open for business," Police Commissioner Raymond Kelly told the Daily News.

After Boston agrees to shut down two of its transit hubs for a week, New York Police officials say they will keep Penn Station subways which run alongside Madison Square Garden, where Bush is schedule to receive the Republican party nomination, open for business.

Look, nothing is going to happen to President Bush in New York City. So the feds should just give New York City the money we were promised after 9/11 to boost security and protect against terrorism and let the boys in blue do their job.

All Hail Jon Stewart

Karen Hughes: You summed Kerry up perfectly when you ran that clip of him snowboarding side to side on the mountain. You know, one minute he's for the war in Iraq, the next he's against it; he voted for the $87 billion before he voted against it. It was perfect.

Jon: Um...thanks for that...but... um.... we were being ironic.

Hughes: Oh. Darn (insert aw shucks snap of the finger and bright red face)

HOW ABOUT NO CHILD LEFT ALONE

Bush's No Child Left Behind requires schools to turnover the names of children to the military as early as ninth grade. Schools who don't comply will lose federal funding.

via Intl news.

Why doesn't Bush just send cruisers out with lollypops and videogames to troll the malls and arcades.

Gas Prices in the E.C.B.

$2.09

Professor Paula Christine Francese (yes, I named my new car after a property law Professor) is staying in the garage until summer.

OK, So That's Just Two Babies

Two-Year Old Shot to Death While Sitting On Dad's Lap

GOVERNATOR GOES BACK TO SCHOOL

California Governor gets a lesson in sensitivity and proper behavior to ensure that he commits no sexual harrasment during his tenure.

No laughing. I think this is a very brave step for him. He deserves a hearty pat on the butt.

I'M STAYING CALM

GIVE THEM THE MONEY GIVE THEM THE MONEY GIVE THEM THE MONEY GIVE THEM THE MONEY

'The Simpsons' may not be the show it once was, but if the alternative is Oliver Beene-vision, then Fox needs to pony up.