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Thursday, December 30, 2004

Fun With Quizzes

Washington State or the Ukraine?


So I was blog surfing along at 2:37 am when I came across a blog run by a self-described "normal gay white man," attorney and I thought, hey I should e-mail a link to Toby.

But then I realized that would be wrong.

But now I don't remember why.

I'm going to bed.

Wednesday, December 29, 2004


Season One on DVD now.

Now I've Lost It

Anyone in the greater bi-borough area got the first 11 episodes of Lost on tape?


Umm...nevermind. Looks like the shortest infatuation *EVER* ends with the words "I became the man I was huntin'." hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha and then he shouts "Get Out" to the chick he was talking to even though they are both outside on an island beach. hahahahahahahahahahaha


So sad.

Tuesday, December 28, 2004


"Smithers, I am beginning to think Homer Simpson was not the brilliant tactician that I thought he was."
They said it couldn't be done.
Hell, I said it couldn't be done.
But the East Coco Beach Rams have won the Ffffl fantasy football league!
Obvious props go to Daunte Culpepper who kept the Rams in point contention even when they had an 0 and 4 record.
To my shadow coaches who, though failing to stop me from having six receivers on my fourteen player team, came up big when I needed to replace half my squad due to injury.
In particular thanks to Alceste, although he was also the one who picked Michael Bennett for me (and declared that I won the league a day before it was official causing westbrook to be deactivated and the eagles defense to collapse.)
A special 'So's your face' to Donald for using me as a guide for what not to do with his fantasy team.
This season was a rough one and we faced impossible odds especially in the playoffs, so I thank all the ECBR fans and the commissioner for not having a last place prize (which I would hhave started aiming for around week five).
Finally, I would like to take this opportunity to retire from the world of fantasy sports.

Monday, December 27, 2004


Christmas always meant two things in the Summers’ household: Midnight Mass and presents.
When I was very little I used to think the presents were a prize for sitting through the interminable tri-lingual service (yup, an entire mass from beginning to end, delivered by three priests, in turn in English, French and Spanish). Catholic services are notoriously aerobic. In order, there’s the walk to the pew, the squat and bow before being seated, standing to welcome the celebrant to the altar, sitting, standing, kneeling, sitting, standing, line forming, walking, bowing, kneeling, sitting, standing, walking out and the handshake at the end. (A friend once wondered aloud how many Weight Watcher’s exercise points she could award herself for all the effort. We decided four minus one for the body of Christ at the end.) But Christmas mass was different, somewhere after the English homily, I would put my head on my mom’s shoulder and sleep until Christmas morning.
To this day I’m not entirely sure how I got out of my church dress and shoes, because I was always in feeted pajamas by morning. (I remember waking up once as she put me in my bed and asking if it was still Christmas, when she said yes, I asked if I could have my presents and she said Santa just got out of church too and hadn’t delivered them yet.)

Since it was just the two of us, there wasn’t a big decorated tree with gifts by the fireplace or anything. But when I woke up on Christmas morning, tickled awake by the smell of bacon and the sound of carols, my whole bed would be covered with presents from neck to toe – the biggest box usually perched on my chest and smaller ones tucked beside my head, so they wouldn’t tumble off when I sat up. Tearing and opening commenced immediately and did not stop until I could sit up. Atari 2600, Operation, Thundercats action figures – all left on my bed for me after Santa got out of church. I can’t remember the last year that I was buried in presents for Christmas, but this year came closest to replicating that sense of wonder about what Santa had dropped off.
I received lots of gifts from readers, relatives, friends and myself via Amazon and Overstock.com – all shrouded in impenetrable brown cardboard until I pried them open on Christmas morning.
Esther sent me the Garden State soundtrack everyone has been raving about. Karol sent me the Dido CD I have been meaning to get for two years and a Beatles CD I didn’t ask for (Well, I did ask for a Beatles CD mind you, she just judged that one, found it wanting and got me a different one.) Jake, the patron saint of Alarming News, got me two seasons of Futurama (why they cancelled that show, but brought back freaking Family Guy twice, I’ll never know.) My best friend got me both seasons of Alias and two seasons of the Simpsons, which I have been watching non-stop on my brand new flatscreen/DVD TV (which has a built in alarm to turn itself on in the morning!) I got the complete set of Lemony Snicket books, Jon Stewart’s America, a bunch of video games, and three people completed the free ipod offer! (Just need two more…)
I want to thank all those people for making this the most Christmasy-Christmas in my adult life and thank everyone for continuing to read and comment on Clareified, without you all I would be ranting out loud in the streets and I promised the N.Y.P.D. that I wouldn't do that anymore.
Anyone who says Christmas has become too commercial has never seen the look on a child’s face as she tears open a lone box placed at the foot of her bed to find an X-box inside.
Time to Dance Dance Revolution.

Sunday, December 26, 2004


Viktor Yushchenko declared victory Monday.

Two Headlines on Yahoo News:

Tidal waves kill nearly 10,000 across Asia
Scientists: Tidal wave warning system flawed

As James Taranto would say...what would we do without scientists?


If there's a better movie than Dodgeball, I don't want to know about it. A little bit 'Bring It On,' 'Happy Gilmore,' that movie where Woody Harrelson has one hand, 'Karate Kid', and 'Cinema Paradiso', this is what movies only aspire to be.

"If you can dodge wrenches, you can dodge balls." Were truer words ever spoken?

Friday, December 24, 2004


Are you a TV geek?

At first, I scored in the second highest category, which surprised me. But then I realized it was because I added wrong, which did not surprise me.

*Did I really need to take a quiz to find that out?

Thursday, December 23, 2004


Kerik resigns from Giuliani company and former Mayor promptly takes Kerik's name off the letterhead.

He also said he supported Mr. Kerik's decision, although he denied he had pushed him out.

"He made a decision to resign and I agreed with that," Mr. Giuliani said. "I think he made the right decision."

The series of troublesome reports about Mr. Kerik had inevitably become problems for Mr. Giuliani, who apologized to President Bush after Mr. Kerik withdrew. After the White House endured criticism for failing to scrutinize Mr. Kerik's background, many of the same questions were raised about Mr. Giuliani's knowledge of his commissioner's actions. Many of the same people who worked closely with Mr. Giuliani and were involved in Mr. Kerik's appointments as commissioner are also principals at Mr. Giuliani's firm, which among other things advises clients on crisis management and internal security.

Giuliani denied reports that a footprint found on the bottom of Kerik's pants matches Giuliani's loafers.


If they can't even get a calendar right? Fox news program produces a calendar featuring a 30-day July.


Faces quarter million dollar fine and up to five years in prison.


Where 'nh' means Fuck You.

Wednesday, December 22, 2004


Gregoire, the loser by increasingly slim margins in the first two counts, could claim an even wider margin of victory thanks to a state Supreme Court decision Wednesday that requires more than 700 belatedly discovered King County ballots to be counted.
Or suck it John Kerry II


You Were Mostly Nice This Year!

Sure, you had your naughty moments... but guess what?
Santa was probably sleeping when you were living it up.
As far as he's concerned, you've been on your best behavior.
So cross your fingers, and you might score good presents.

Were You Naughty or Nice This Year?

via Big Orange Michael


Everytime he uses the word 'shat,' I lose it.


Maybe you're not preganant.

And evidently if you're over 35 you never will be.

Turns out Elizabeth may not be the mother of Hopey's kids.


Or future 'Surreal Life' participants.

Scott Baio hahahaahahahahahahahahhahahahahahaahahah


Suck on it, John Kerry.

Tuesday, December 21, 2004


Last week plaintiff's filed a lawsuit against the superstore Wal-mart complaining that the chain, which promises G-rated entertainment, was selling an Evanescence CD with racy lyrics in one song.

The hit group's latest CD and DVD, "Anywhere But Home," don't carry parental advisory labels alerting potential buyers to the obscenity. If they did, Wal-Mart wouldn't carry them, according to the retailer's policy.

But the lawsuit claims Wal-Mart knew about the explicit lyrics in the song, "Thoughtless," because it censored the word in a free sample available on its Web site and in its stores.

Wal-mart reps responded that they strive to keep their stores free of "objectionable material," and just didn't know about the dirty word.

Plaintiffs dismissed the suggestion that Wal-Mart stores didn't know about the censored version of the song. "They are a multimillion-dollar corporation and they certainly can communicate among their various entities," he said.

Yesterday the invisible wall of information got Wal-mart in trouble again when a couple sued the chain for their daughter's suicide.

Near the end of her short life, Shayla Stewart, a diagnosed manic-depressive and schizophrenic, assaulted police officers and was arrested for attacking a fellow customer at a Denton Wal-Mart where she had a prescription for anti-psychotic medication.

Given all those signs, her parents say, another Wal-Mart just seven miles away should have never sold her the shotgun she used to kill herself at age 24 in 2003.

Personally, I like the fact that if Wal-Mart had known that Evanescence said the F-word on one of their tracks it never would have sold the CD, but a twelve gauge shot gun? No problem. Inoffensive indeed.


Miami police taser man in wheelchair.

And quick.


Parent Trap 2! This time, identical twins swap clothes, so the incarcerated one could escape!

My favorite part?

After visiting hours ended, the inmate walked out, pretending to be his brother. Faced with the prospect of spending the night in jail, his brother admitted the ruse to prison guards.

yeah, somebody so didn't think this all the way through.


If a company, let's call it Poker Party, allows you to easily withdraw money from your checking account to play its online games, but then sets up a panapoly of unpredictable, possibly disclosed in a disclaimer agreement that nobody reads, hurdles for you to deposit money won from said online games back into your checking account, is this actionable? Also if you have less than a dollar in your Poker Party account and the company won't let you deposit less than $50 back into your checking account, meaning they keep your $0.22 forever, is that actionable?


J.K. Rowling has announced the next volume in the series will be out during Dawn's 2005 Birthday Season.

Monday, December 20, 2004


It's warmer in Anchorage, Minneapolis, and Denver.


The Bush Administration sucks and how.

Man of the year indeed.


I'm not much of a complainer (whining, ranting, criticizing, yes - complaining, no) and since this has been a fairly craptastic month (In the weeks since I blew out my knee, I've stabbed myself in the hand, twisted an ankle and fallen face-down into the street , scraped my knee on asphalt, lost hundreds of American dollars on Party Poker, sliced my thumb, had my first magazine submission rejected, lost an open, half-full bottle of Snapple in my office, banged my head on a car door and crunched the tips of my fingers while closing a window), there's been very little to blog about. (Frankly, I blame Alceste). But hopefully, I'm on the precipice of a turnaround. Last night the good people of Circuit City delivered my spanking new 27 inch flatscreen for my bedroom and the gigantor 55 inch television for the living room. Oh, HDTV, where have you been all my life? Unfortunately, I lost control of the remote fairly early on, so sadly the television's maiden viewing was of Eddie. Yes, the one with Whoopi Goldberg and her non-Ted Danson boyfriend -all 55 inches of it. My TV was christened with 'Desperate Housewives' -- that Zach kid is uuuhhhhhhgggglleeee. I just thought he had bad hair. Plus, my TV has a built in DVD player, so I played the Simpsons Season 3 DVDs which someone generously got for me off my Amazon Wish List, until I fell asleep.
This morning I arrived to work to find my Fantasy team had inexplicably managed to topple goliath, but there was also snow on the ground and it was colder than a witch's teat -- so I'd say so far today is draw.


I was hoping that Rex Van der Kamp's secret was that he was gay.



The once completely defeated East Coco Beach Rams went on to upset the league favorite 13-1 leader.

Sunday, December 19, 2004


Annika recounts her first law school exam period:

i’ve finished three exams so far, and i’ve had three panic attacks. Each one occurred somewhere between the halfway mark and three quarters of the way through the exam. Each was accompanied by dry mouth, an increased heart rate, and a curious rushing sound in my ears; not to mention a morbid feeling of dread helplessness, as if i were drowning or being buried alive.

The sad part is that I read her post thinking 'Man, I wish I was still in law school.' Now, I'm sure it probably has a lot to do with my ever-present desire to muck this hand and move to a different table, so to speak. But, truth be told I loved school - especially exam time. Nothing beats the rush of one week of cramming, culminating with 24 hours of no sleep before facing the beast. Me a desk, a four pens and as many answers by analogy as I can muster. Go time.
Then it was all over and we return to a life of video games, soap operas and bike riding.
Ah, Annika, cherish these days of feeling the dread helplessness of drowning or being buried alive, it sure beats the actual being buried alive.

Saturday, December 18, 2004


Karol: Q3, should I play it?

Me: Yes.

Karol: So Peter says no, and you say yes. What should I do?

Me: Who plays Party Poker all time?

Peter(near simultaneously): Who loses on Party Poker all the time?

Friday, December 17, 2004


"So, the election's over. Now we got red states and blue states. What the hell? Red states and blue states? Since when did the whole country become crips and bloods?"

"You know, I actually voted this year. Did y'all watch those debates? I'm sorry, but I ain't voting for a guy I can beat in a spelling bee. This man blows up anything he can't spell. Sir, How do you spell Baghdad? Huh.. what? BOOM is how you spell it."

-D.L. Hughley


Michael Jackson entertains kids at his Neverland ranch.

When one of the youngsters shouted, "We love you!" Jackson replied "I love you more"


Australia plans to find and kill shark that killed surfer.

Thursday, December 16, 2004


Soldier asks cousin to shoot him in order to avoid returning to Iraq.


I tell you how to cyclops rock,
butthen you go and turn around and break my heart


Cubs hope the Mets still want Sammy Sosa.

Hey, why not? And while we're at it, let's find out what John Rocker's up to.


It's been a while since I've visited this feature on Clareified. Things have gotten decidedly worse.

F-train likens Putin to Stalin.

Putin opposes a revote in the Ukraine.

Yaron thinks Ukraine needs to get a Clue.

And it looks like even Dick Morris is able to choose sides on this one.


You've heard about those stickers which the Cobb Country school officials had placed in science textbooks which read, "This textbook contains material on evolution. Evolution is a theory, not a fact, regarding the origin of living things. This material should be approached with an open mind, studied carefully and critically considered.”

Well, I think that consideration should be given to placing warning stickers on Bibles which say, "This book contains religious material. Religious teachings are matters of faith, not facts, and some of this material is metaphorical and otherwise not to be taken literally. This material should be approached with an open mind, studied carefully and critically considered. If you are mentally ill, please do not do anything to your children after reading this material without first consulting a doctor or mental health professional."

You've read the best, now read the rest.


It's impossible to play hold 'em after weeks of non-stop Omaha.

Wednesday, December 15, 2004


So you just realized that there's only ten days until Christmas and you haven't gotten anything for me yet.

Now you're freaking out wondering what I would like and if it'll get to East Coco Beach in time.

Well, no worries! That's what the Amazon Wish List is for.

Or, of course, there's always that TV. (THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU to everyone who signed up for the Ipod offer!! You made my day.)

P.S. I highly recommend the Amazon Wish List -- it makes gift getting sooooo easy. If you have one, post it or mass e-mail it. And hurry! :-)

(And yes, pearatty, I can feel Miss Manners glaring at me through the "internets.")


Now this! My alma mater has announced a change in the J.D. curriculum:

Second, first-year students will no longer be required to take
Perspectives on Legal Thought and Foundations of the Regulatory State.

In other words, future grads will not learn the skills vital for coping with boring, useless academic experiences without resorting to bloody, bloody violence.

So watch out future PMBR prep course takers, there will be bloodshed.



What classic sitcom character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

via Miranda...er...Gib


My beloved Mets have reportedly made another one of their classic blunders. They've brought over another over the hill player and locked him into a long-term contract. But I've been a Mets fan for twenty-years, so I know that it takes hard work to suck as badly as they do. So, if you can get a big idiotic move out of the way, months before Spring training, it lightens the load for the Season. Otherwise you might have to re-up Franco or let Matsui pitch or something to ensure another losing season.

I saw Willie Randolph on the Today Show this morning and while he wouldn't comment on whether Pedro was officially a Met, he crossed his fingers and closed his eyes real tight and said "well, Katie, we need a pitcher. Give me a pitcher." Contrast this with Joe Torre's "We need to get a leftie. It's a big hole in our bullpen and it really hurt us." after the Yanks' historic meltdown. That just about sums up the difference between the Bronx and Queens mindset. After his answer, Randolph opened his eyes and added "but until we've dotted all the 'i's and crossed all the 't's, nothing is set."

Huh, now I'm no corporate attorney, but does failure to dot an i actually invalidate a contract? I mean, I understand that an uncrossed t would then look like an l, and Pedro becoming part of the Mels would probably serve as grounds to break the contract -- but what else could an i be but an i, dot or no?

It's not that I hate Pedro, I could care less about Pedro. But I do hate the Yankees, and if there is one thing I know, it's that everytime Pedro faces the Pin-striped sons of Satan in a game that matters, he gets a shellacking for the ages. Recall Game 7 of the Division Series? Yankees are facing elimination in the most humiliating of ways (squandering a 3-0 series lead), Yankee Stadium is as quiet as Scott Peterson during his murder trial; the Yanks can't get anything started. Then... Pedro comes on the mound -- Yankees score two or three runs. Which pretty much means I can look forward to another loser-palooza "subway series."
*Actual monetary value may be less than two cents. Non-negotiable instrument. Do Not cash.

Tuesday, December 14, 2004


Fox: No, really. I'll give you $100,000 if you can guess.


Day 33

That's it, folks, I'm moving to Israel.

He's still here, but when he goes maybe he can take Lindsay Lohan with him.


Who knew Sara Gilbert and Portia di Rossi were gay?

And Esther asks that age-old question:

[A]re all lesbians friends? I know that all Jews aren't friends. For instance, when Debra Messing had her baby, she didn't even call me.

If they're anything like black people, answer is yes they're all friends. Just sayin.


Why is the second Disc of the TMBG anthology so inferior to the first one? I can't get past the song about President Polk before I need to switch back for some Birdhouse goodness. And since that song is the second track, it's not boding well for ever finishing Disc 2.

Words from the Wise

A few days ago nano-nano left the following comment on a post:

how do you survive in biglaw? I am a first year and feel my soul is slowly dying. how do you deal? do you like your job? i do commercial lit - and feel anxiety and stress all the time.

Now, since it is annual review time at the major firms and year-end bonuses are being decided over the next few weeks, I was suspicious of a comment from a new commenter, with a fake e-mail address, asking fairly pointed questions (which in itself should tell you what four and a half years of this life has done to me and my soul.)

Not that I have anything particularly controversial to say on the subject, essentially you don't survive Big Law, you either thrive or you leave, but in case Nano-Nano is real and still wondering, I thought I'd put his/her query out there for anyone so inclined to respond. Here's Alceste's take on it, but he's dead inside. And I know one attorney who loves her Big Law job. Actually, I met another Big Law lawyer at a party at Doug's apartment one time who also said she loved her job, which of course, I found entirely irritating, I mean you earn six figures, have great benefits and perks, the least you can do is tell strangers you meet at a party that you hate it. Bitch.


Comments? Complaints? Advice?

The lines are now open.

Clareified Recommends

I just finished with my two week free trial of Blockbuster's DVD delivery service. I was pleasantly surprised.

After a failed attempt in June to wean myself off Netflix, I wasn't really expecting much of the Blockbuster trial. I figured I would just qualify for the free TV and then get out.

But my first three movies came within days of my signing up. Returned DVDs registered a little more than 24 hours after I sent them out and a new one was promptly mailed to me. On average I think Blockbuster is about a day faster than Netflix and since it costs two dollars less, it's an appealling alternative.

There are two drawbacks with Blockbuster. First, Blockbuster doesn't necessarily follow the queue order when sending out your next movie. I wasn't with them long enough to figure out how they decided what to send out next. Second, the Blockbuster return envelopes are so flimsy that they tear with the slightest mistake during opening, which when combined with not knowing which of your quequed DVDs they've sent, unfortunately happens a lot.

The two dollars probably isn't enough to get me to quit Netflix, but if you were thinking of entering the market for a DVD delivery service, I highly recommend trying Blockbuster before you commit to one (on the hand, unless they have made vast improvements, I do not recommend Walmart's version -- not even for the free month.)

And if you signed up for Blockbuster through my link, that wouldn't be the worst.


People are more likely to die from heart disease and other problems during the holidays.

As if the constant Christmas carols weren't enough.


Democrat may be leading Washington State Race



You Are Most Like Miranda!

While you've had your fair share of romance, men don't come first

Guys are a distant third to your friends and career.

And this independence *is* attractive to some men, in measured doses.

Remember that if you imagine the best outcome, it might just happen.

Romantic prediction: Someone from your past is waiting to reconnect...

But you'll have to think of him differently, if you want things to work.

Which Sex and the City Vixen Are You Most Like?
Take This Quiz Right Now!

Find the Love of Your Life
(and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

via Paisley Dreams

Sunday, December 12, 2004


About a week ago, for only God knows what reason, I started compiling a list of my favorite television characters. With a few caveats, here are my efforts. The caveats are these: 1) I have only been alive for a finite period of time, so there'll be no "Gunsmoke" era characters listed -- although I am a fan of Bewitched and Abbott & Costello, 2) I have never seen a Star Trek episode all the way through in any of its incarnations, now for you Trekkies out there, more power to ya, but I have a very, very, very low (think America's Next Top Model) bar for what I'll watch, so I'll end that observation here, 3) And speaking of Tyra Banks, I haven't included any cartoons, reality television shows or daytime soap operas (those are projects for another day). ("But Dawn, the Simpsons are on the list." Dude, Pepper Ann is a cartoon, the Simpsons have been on for 15 years, so shut up.) , 4) I wrote them down as I thought of them, so they are in stream of consciousness order.

Beauty and the Beast

Catherine Chandler
Monica Gellar

Chandler Bing
Chandler Bing's Parents
Monica's parents
(yes, I am holding out hope for the spin-off "The Bings")
Knight Rider
Wonder Years
Kevin Arnold
Doogie Howser, M.D.
Doogie Howser
Ally McBeal
Ally McBeal
John Cage
Herman's Head
Herman's Head, not so much Herman
Paul Forrester
Murphy Brown
Murphy Brown
Avery Brown (the mom, not the Barry Manilow lovin baby)
Niles Crane
Marty Crane
Living Single
Maxine Shaw
The Cosby Show
Cliff Huxtable
Clair Huxtable
A Different World
Whitley Gilbert
Mad About You
Jamie Buchman
Night Court
Judge Harry T. Stone
Asst. D.A. Reinhold "Dan" Fielding
Who’s the Boss
Angela Bower
Dawson’s Creek
Joey Potter
Life Goes On
Charles 'Corky' Thatcher
Becca Thatcher
Georgiana 'Georgie' Reed Whitsig
Theodora 'Teddy' Reed Margolis Falconer Sorenson
Alexandra 'Alex' Reed Halsey
Roseanne Conner
Darlene Conner
The Simpsons
Mr. Burns
Ned Flanders
Maggie Simpson
Homer Simpson
Bart Simpson
Millhouse's Dad
Edna Krabapple
Ralph Wiggum
Mayor Quimby
Krusty the Klown
Troy McClure
Sex and the City
Carrie Bradshaw
Miranda Hobbes
Mr. Big

Six Feet Under
Billy Chenowith
Brenda Chenowith
Claire Fisher
Nate Fisher (Sr. & Jr.)
David Fisher
Ruth Fisher
The Bionic Woman
Jaime Sommers
Spencer For Hire
Differ’nt Strokes
Arnold Drummond
Mrs. Garrett
The Jeffersons
Florence Johnston
George Jefferson
Golden Girls
Sophia Spirelli Petrillo
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak
Rick Hunter
Adrian Monk
Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Buffy Summers
Willow Rosenberg
Rupert Giles
Facts of Life
Mrs. Garrett
Jo Polniaczek
All In the Family
Archie Bunker
John Dorian
Dr. Chris Turk
Dr. Bob Kelso
Dr. Perry Cox
Col. John "Hannibal" Smith
Capt. H.M. "Howling Mad" Murdock
Tony Soprano
Carmela Soprano
David Addison Jr
Maddie Hayes
Agnes DiPesto
Murder She Wrote
Jessica Fletcher
Law & Order: SVU
Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola
Det. John Munch
Gilmore Girls
Lorelai Gilmore
Emily Gilmore
Sookie St. James
Ellen Morgan
Spence Kovak
Joe Farrell
Malcolm In the Middle
Commandant Edwin Spangler
Fox Mulder
Dana Scully
Cigarette Smoking Man
Dr. John Carter
Dr. Kerry Weaver
Dr. Mark Greene
Arrested Development
Michael Bluth
Lindsay Bluth Fünke
George Oscar 'Gob' Bluth
George-Michael Bluth
Mae 'Maeby' Fünke
Byron 'Buster' Bluth
Tobias Fünke
George Bluth Sr./
Lucille Bluth
Barry Zuckerkorn
Lucille Austero
Family Ties
Steven Keaton
Elyse Keaton
Alex P. Keaton
Andrew 'Andy' Keaton
Nick Moore
Married With Children
Al Bundy
Peggy Wanker Bundy
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy
Kelly Bundy
Out of this World
Evie Garland
Donna Garland
Troy Garland of Anterias
Blossom Russo
Nick Russo
Anthony Russo
Gimme A Break
Nell Harper
Police Chief Carl Kanisky
Julie Kanisky
Punky Brewster
Little House on the Prairie
Charles Philip Ingalls
Caroline Ingalls
Laura Elizabeth Ingalls Wilder
Carrie Ingalls
Nelson "Nels" Oleson
Nellie Oleson Simms Oleson Dalton
Harriet Oleson

Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman
Dr. Michaela 'Mike' Quinn
Byron Sully
Dorothy Jennings
Loren Bray
Cloud Dancing
Quantum Leap
Dr. Sam Beckett
Touched By An Angel
Kathleen (Jasmine Guy’s fallen Angel)

21 Jump Street
Tom Hanson
Capt. Fuller
Doug Penhall
Harry Ioki
Judy Hoffs

Sheneneh Jenkins
Pam James

Hangin' With Mr. Cooper
Mark Cooper
Vanessa Russell

Mr. Belvedere
Lynn Belvedere
Wesley T. Owens
George Owens

Jack McCoy

Saturday, December 11, 2004

Illegal Immigrant takes Kerik Down

Homeland Security Nominee Withdraws.

Friday, December 10, 2004


Well, not really, but with a name like Kelly you can see how I got confused.

Well, that's my prediction anyway. The problem with Jen is that she suffers from classic Biglaw Associate Syndrome or CBAS.

I don't understand why Trump just picked a random six to bring back. How awesome would it be for Jen to have Ivana working for her?

Thursday, December 09, 2004


I would like 8 people to sign up for either a credit card or a two-week Blockbuster trial offer so that I get a Flatscreen TV.

Oh, Santa I would also like 5 five people to help me get an Ipod.

I didn't think this would be so hard since everyone who signs up is also eligible to get a free TV and a free Ipod, but go figure.

Any help you can provide would be appreciated.

Leave any questions you have for me in the comment section or e-mail me.

Wednesday, December 08, 2004


A teacher spotted liquid dripping out of the student's bookbag and found what looked like the small cups of alcohol-laced gelatin that are sold in bars, schools spokesman Jeff Nowakowski said.

The girl told the principal that her mother, who works in a bar, makes alcoholic shots at home and sells them at work. The fourth-grader said her mother had instructed her to take the shots to school and sell them, three for $1, to make some money for Christmas, Nowakowski said.

The gelatin was turned over to the sheriff's department for testing to see if it contained alcohol.

The girl was suspended for violating school rules against possessing or trying to distribute a "lookalike," or something that appears to contain drugs or alcohol.

Under the lookalike rule, the girl's suspension will stand no matter what the sheriff's department finds.

Make money for Christmas, hahahahahahahahahahaahhahahahaah, next up: hooking for birthdays.


NBC has been holding an auction for the Ronald McDonald House for the past week. I was eyeining the "Walk-On Role on Scrubs" for a couple of days. When it reached $1000 I was going to bid. Yesterday, it reached $1500, now we're talking Dawn's favorite show on TV here, so I was prepared to bid $2000. When I checked 5 minutes ago it was at $3010. Now, we're still talking Dawn's favorite show, so I thought about it. Then I e-mailed pearatty for confirmation of what common sense is already telling me. The following is our exchange:

From: Dawn Summers
Subject: scrubs

sooo....$3000 is probably definitely too much, right?

To: Dawn Summers
Subject:re: scrubs

Yes. Put in an account for a down payment on an apartment.

(Remember on Sex in the City when Carrie was all "how come I don't have any money for a down payment on my apartment?" And Miranda said, "you have 100 pairs of $400 Blahniks." And Carrie was all, "that's just $4,000." then Miranda said, "no, that's $40,000; there's your down payment." And remember how silly we all thought Carrie was at that moment? Think on it.)


From: Dawn Summers
Subject: re:re: scrubs

yeah, but that was shoes. you wear them once or twice and you throw em in the back of your closet -- this would be an episode that i could watch over and over again on Tivo.

To: Dawn Summers
Subject:re: re: re: scrubs

Yes. But you'd be watching it on Tivo in your bedroom in your mom's apartment in Brooklyn.

From: Dawn Summers
Subject: re:re: re: scrubs



How many days until the next election?

Not that I've been much better, I actually tried to work a post around the fact that two different people warned me against getting in an elevator today (once at home and once at work), but I ignored them both (equal parts laziness and bum knee).


When asked by troops why they were not given reinforced tanks, Secretary Rumsfeld replied:

"You can have all the armor in the world on a tank, and it can [still] be blown up."

He then popped a little girl's balloon and stole her lollipop.


"It was more of a rush. They put us in a warehouse for a while. They treated us like cattle," Arellano said about how the military treated him on his return to the United States.

"It is all about numbers. Instead of getting quality care, they were trying to get everybody demobilized during a certain time frame. If you had a problem, they said, 'Let the (Department of Veterans Affairs) take care of it.'"

Mission Accomplished?

Lindsay It Ain't So

In an effort to turn attention away from her fake boobs, Lindsay Lohan lip synched through her first "singing debut" on Good Morning America.

Tuesday, December 07, 2004


Turns out Omaha is my game.


But I cry because I want to.

What are the rules for declaring poker losses?

Monday, December 06, 2004

Terrorists Are On The Move

Embassy attacked in Saudia Arabia:

In Washington, U.S. President George W. Bush said the incident showed "terrorists are still on the move" trying to get the United States to leave Saudi Arabia and Iraq.

Good thing freedom can march.


Nobody puts Baby in the corner, in second place.

Come on now.

Here's the list of big cheese moments:

1. "Titanic": Leonardo DiCaprio's "I'm the king of the world!"

2. "Dirty Dancing": Patrick Swayze's "Nobody puts Baby in the corner."

3. "Four Weddings And A Funeral": Andie McDowell's "Is it still raining? I hadn't noticed."

3. "Ghost": Demi Moore's "Ditto." to Patrick Swayze's "I love you."

5. "Top Gun": Val Kilmer to Tom Cruise (news): "You can be my wingman anytime"

They are right about the Andie McDowell line though.


Florida woman runs over boys with her SUV

Isiah Grayer, 14, and his 16-year-old twin stepbrothers, Justin and Jamel Marshman, were bouncing the golf ball in a shopping center parking lot Sunday afternoon when it went astray and struck a sport utility vehicle driven by Kathy Feaganes Allen, 47, St. Johns County sheriff's Deputy Greg Suchy said.

Suchy said no damage was done, and the boys apologized and began to walk away. Allen started to drive away, but suddenly made a U-turn, ran over a median and struck Grayer, causing severe injuries, and Justin Marshman before knocking over a light pole, Suchy said.

She then drove after Jamel Marshman, crossing two medians and striking a utility box before her SUV stopped in a ditch, Suchy said. The boy ran away and was not struck.

Sunday, December 05, 2004



8:47 a.m. : Climb stairs

8:47:43 a.m.: Scream

8:48 a.m. : Take a breath

8:49 a.m. : Resume screaming

9:30 a.m. : See Doctor

10 a.m. : Drugs. Lots and lots of FDA approved prescription drugs.

11 a.m. : Sleep

1 p.m. : Scream

1:02 p.m. : More Drugs

1:15 p.m. : Sleep

4 p.m. : Television

5 p.m. : Watch 'The Terminal'

5:30 p.m.: Realize that now that Catherine Zeta-Jones is ugly, she doesn't really add anything to a movie.

6:15 p.m.: More Drugs

8 p.m. -10 p.m.: Lose sums of money on Party Poker.

10 p.m.: Swear off poker.

11 p.m.: Watch 'Laws of Attraction'

12 a.m.: Note to Julianne Moore: You are too good for this.

2:00 a.m.: Blogsurfing.

2:30 a.m.: Sleep

8:00 a.m.: Scream

8:01 a.m.: Drugs

8:15 a.m.: Resume losing sums of money on Party Poker.

9:00 a.m.: Swear off poker. This time for real.

10 a.m.: Sleep.

Noon.: Breakfast.

1:00 p.m.: Watch 'Kissing Jessica Stein'

2:30 p.m.: Do therapy exercises for injured leg.

2:31 p.m.: Scream

2:32 p.m.: Drugs.

2:35 p.m.: Watch 'Flirting With Disaster.'

3:55 p.m.: Note that this is a lot of bi-sexuality for Sunday afternoon viewing.

4:00 p.m.: Play Poker on condition of quitting after the first losing hand.

4:03 p.m.: Quit playing poker.

5:00 p.m.: Drugs

7:00 p.m.: Watch 'Coffee and Cigarettes'

7:25 p.m.: Place "vignette" movies in the scrapheap with "short stories" anthologies.

7:35 p.m.: Promise to kill self if something, anything doesn't happen soon in this movie.

7:45 p.m.: Fail

8:00 p.m. : Hooray to Sunday Night television!

9:00 p.m.: Where is 'Desperate Housewives'?

9:01 p.m.: Very, very angry.

9:03 p.m.: Mitch Albom is now on the list.

'No one heard me'

Pat Tillman killed by friendly fire as colleague shouted in vain for shooting to stop.

Friday, December 03, 2004


Watching television makes people happier than raising children.


Bitter with an irrepressible urge to destroy. Today is no day for people.

Thursday, December 02, 2004

I wondered where that line got off to

'You stripped. I'm not hiring a stripper.'
-The Donald

He then added, "but if you're free for drinks later..."


And Candace thought the cellphone guy was bad.

That was nothing.


I decided to walk over to the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree on my lunch hour today.
After years and years of saying I was going to go, I never managed to make it because my job was all the way downtown and I lived in Brooklyn.
Of course, since my move to New LLP in Midtown, there was no excuse.
Sadly, the experience was rather underwhelming. The lights are so bland. And the tree is unremarkable. I saw it, thought it was some smaller "NBC" tree or something and spent a few minutes looking for "the real tree," until it occurred to me that that no one would put up their own tree so close to Rockefeller Center.
Oh well.
I snapped a picture.
I browsed around the NBC experience store for a little while trying to get a glimpse of some items that were being auctioned off for the Ronald McDonald House.
"So, come on down to the NBC Experience Store and bid on these great prizes. 100% of the money raised goes to charity," Katie Couric brayed in a Today Show segment this morning.
Turns out Katie Couric is a lying wad of Laura Bush.
Auction was closed to the public.
I headed back to the office when I spotted Alceste heading in the opposite direction.
I turned around to say 'hi,' when I realized it was Conan O'Brien.
Right on cue I dissolved into gawking, gasping stalker.
I followed him for a couple of blocks until he turned East.
Totally made up for the crappy tree and the closed auction.
I love this town.
Hate the tree.


Candace Bergen to join the struggling 'Boston Legal' in January.

Now that's what I'm talking about.


annikagyrl: what do you think of Desperate Housewives, (i've heard it compared to Sex and the City, which i think is way off.)
Ginger: I think it's crappy
annikagyrl: Thank you!
Ginger: I tried to watch the second episode... it was so stupid and campy, and not in a good way
annikagyrl: i think they were trying to fill the vacuum created by the end of SATC, but they were totally clueless about why SATC struck such a chord
Ginger: yeah, they missed

I just wish I could stop watching it too.

via the resident blogosphere hottie.

The official report

Then shortly before 1 p.m., a test train with no passengers heading toward the area where the derailment occurred suddenly lost power. Moments later, there was a series of small explosions behind the test train, said Transit Authority President Lawrence Reuter, who raced to the scene after the incident.
About 300 feet of electrified third rail - inches from the track and with 600 volts of electricity surging through it - had fallen onto the tracks behind the test train, causing the explosions and filling the tunnel with sparks and smoke, Reuter said. He said officials still don't know what caused the rail to fall. "This was very unusual," he said. "We're going to have to do some real digging to see what occurred."
The second incident in the Chelsea tunnel sent smoke drifting into four stations and up to the street through stairwells and grates.
"The smoke filled the station and everyone started yelling to go to the exit," said James Fry, 28, of Brooklyn, who fled the 23rd St. station. "People kept their cool, but the smoke was overwhelming."

For this MTA plans to raise fares?

Wednesday, December 01, 2004

Dear Television Executives:

Tom Cavanaugh makes everything better.

"Separate Bags"



I know the drill.
Breathe normally until the smoke comes, then shallow breaths through the nose.
Stay still.
I was running late for work this morning. Late even for an associate getting used to working with a partner known for keeping “cocaine hours.”
I didn’t board the bus to the subway until after 1. Thankfully, when I got to the station the message ticker said the Express B was coming.
I ran down the stairs to catch it.
I easily found a seat in the near empty last car and closed my eyes.
The sound of the conductor announcing the last stop in Brooklyn woke me up about ten minutes later.
I looked at my cellphone clock. Not too bad, I should be in the office my 1:30ish.
I really like the B because it’s one of the few trains that travel above ground, which means if everything works well, you get three minutes to make a phone call, check for new comments and respond to any e-mail.
Like clockwork, my Treo flashed a full four bar signal seconds after the train crawled onto the Manhattan bridge.
I checked my work voicemail: whew, no calls.
I e-mailed my secretary to say I’d be in soon.
I visited Clareified to see if anyone had signed up for my free TV offer. (Not for nothing, but Karol’s already done with the TV and is now working on the computer and handbag – must the Republicans win everything people?)
The train reentered the tunnel in Manhattan.
It was running express, so in just three stops I would be in Midtown. I put the Treo away and closed my eyes again.
Next stop, Broadway-Lafayette. We were in the station for about two minutes when the conductor announced that due to a train derailment earlier in the day, there would be some delays.
Five minutes later we were still parked at the station.
Hmm, I should just get out here and take a cab in…plus, I could stop at Magnolia’s since I’m kind of in the neighborhood.
No. I was just there Monday, no more cupcakes for the week.
Mmm, cupcakes.
Plus, this station has like four levels of stairs and no escalator.
Cupcakes suck.
Finally, the doors closed and the train pulled away.
Oh well.
A few minutes later we came to a stop again.
This time in a tunnel.
“We apologize for the inconvenience, but due to an earlier derailment there are delays on the uptown line.”
Dammit. The derailment happened about 4 o clock this morning. What the hell?
After ten minutes the conductor came back on.
“Umm, ladies and gentleman please remain calm.”
Oh my God.
“There is a fire up ahead. The fire department has arrived, but we cannot proceed. Please remain calm.”
Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God.
No one in the car said anything – well, nothing that I could print anyway.
We idled for fifteen minutes before people started trickling into our car. The first man was holding a newspaper over his face. Another woman carried her son in her arms as he buried his face in her coat.
Since I was in the last car, the car furthest away from the next station, these people were the first signs of any real trouble.
“Oh My God, what’s happening up there?,” a woman asked the newcomers.
“There’s smoke everywhere. The first car is completely filled.”
“Ladies and Gentleman, we apologize for the delay but due to severe smoke conditions up ahead, this train will be delayed. Please move to the rear cars immediately.”
By now, a steady stream of people had started filling the car.
Crap, if anything happens, no one will know that I was here, I thought.
So I sent an e-mail letting Karol know I was on the train.
“Do you have service on that thing?” a woman asked, after I stopped typing.
I checked.
“Actually, no.”
She then moved to the front of the car, held up her cellphone checking for a signal. Then she moved to the doors.

Then she moved to the windows.
Still Nothing.
She reached for the latch on the window.
“What’re you doing?” yelled a man from the other end of the car.
“I’m going to see if I get a signal when I hold the phone out the window,”
“Don’t open it. There’s smoke out there,” the mother with the little boy said.
By now, the car was pretty full.
I could smell traces of smoke on the clothes of the new people, but the air was fine. I’ve suffered from asthma since I was a little kid. Running too hard, pollen, cigarettes have all triggered emergency room visit episodes. But with medication, a killer loud cough that shames smokers into moving away from me, and avoidance of physical exertion I have successfully controlled it since high school. So I don’t take steroids every day or walk around with inhalers, but every now and then I’ll have a really bad episode and wish that I did.
The train wasn’t moving.
Smoke was coming.
I sat very still. A twenty-something woman kept trying to open the front door of the car.
“I have to get off this train. I have to get off this train.”
“Hey, calm down, Miss,” said a man that had gotten on with me back in Brooklyn, “They’re working on it. We’ll get out of here.”
“I have to get off this train. I’m getting married. I can’t die. I can’t die.”
“Look, no one’s dying,” said another voice.
“Calm Down, Miss.”
We could all hear the motorman and the conductor talking to dispatch over the PA system. They were trying to back the train into the Broadway Lafayette station, but another train was there and the motorman was having difficulty seeing in the first car.
“Ladies and Gentleman, we are working on pulling back into the Broadway-Lafayette station” said the conductor in his “official voice.” I guess he didn’t know the microphone was on during the whole time he and the motorman were talking in their full-on panic voices.
“Why don’t they just back the train up?”
“Yeah, fucking assholes. They had to know that there was a fire, why did they keep going.”
“I’m getting married. I can’t die. I can’t die.”
“Miss. Please. You’re scaring the little boy.”
At the mention of his presence, he hid his face in his mom’s lap and she rubbed his back nervously.
“I’m sorry, I can’t stay here. I can’t,” said the bride-to-be as she started to shake uncontrollably.
“Fuck this, said a burly man who walked toward the motorman’s door and started rattling the door to get it open.
“Alright! Enough. Back away from the door.”
Turns out the man who had gotten on with me in Brooklyn was a police officer because now his badge was hanging from his neck and he was taking control of the situation.
“Look, I want everyone to back away from the front of this car.”
At that moment a man came into the car and walked through the crowd toward the driver’s seat. He was wearing an MTA uniform.
“What’s taking so fucking long? Get us out of here.”
“Look, lady I’m a passenger just like you, but the motorman is having difficulty back there and so I’m going to try to move us back into the station. Just give me a break.”
By now the smoke was filling the car. I had pulled my lips between my teeth to make sure I didn’t accidentally breathe any of it into my lungs.
Shallow breaths. I mean cuts. No breaths. Sorry, flashback to Dawn's bloodletting.
The bride-to-be was lying on the floor now and the crowd was getting more nervous.
The “passenger” explained to the cop that he was also a motorman and just needed to get clearance from dispatch to allow him to drive our train.
“Fuck clearance, you have our clearance. Get us out of here” ordered the genius who earlier tried to open the windows to get cellphone service.
But she agitated the crowd and within minutes someone had yelled that this was exactly why all those people died on 9/11.
“I’m not waiting for anything”
“HEY! You will all just CALM DOWN NOW!” Yelled the cop holding both his hands out in front of him protecting the new motorman and preventing anyone from moving forward.
A few moments later the train hissed to life.
Then we saw flashlight beams shining through the darkness.
The motorman opened up the front door and he and the cop helped two men climb aboard.
More cops.
The bride-to-be made a run for the newly opened door.
The cops stopped her.
“Hey, lady where are you going?”
“I have to get out. I have to get out. I can’t die.”
“Look, the safest place for you to be right now is here.”
Nobody believed him.
The place was full of smoke, my eyes had started to water and I was wheezing.
BTB kept shaking. And I couldn’t blame her.
We were going die.
The motorman was on the CB asking for clearance to drive and permission to pull into Broadway-Lafayette. He got the clearance and we started back - which was now forward.
But within seconds we stopped. There was another train in the way.
“Come on, move the train.”
“Calm down, sir. Please.”
“How much longer until we get there?”
“Once we get permission, we’ll be there in a few minutes. Jim and I just walked through to get here. It’s not far”
“Will y’all just let these men do their jobs,” said a lady with the walker.
The motorman was moving the train again, while continuing to call to see if the station had cleared.
Hmm…shouldn’t he stop moving the train until he finds out if the other station is clear?
Peer pressure is a bitch.
“Ok, B Bravo, you’re clear.”
One of the cops told the motorman to just pull in the first car since most of the people had already moved up.
So that’s what they did. They then opened up one side of the front doors in the car – the cops held everyone back until the woman with the walker had gotten up. Her walker was too bulky to fit through the half open doors and as she struggled to turn it sideways and wiggle through the crazed BTB pushed her way to the door and “helped” get the walker through. Everyone else followed. By now Broadway-Lafayette station was filled with smoke.
The car was at the far end of the platform and people just started running toward the stairs.
Others of us, after too many months of too many cupcakes and closing airways walked.
Three men helped the women with the walker out of the station. When I got to the street level, there were fire trucks all around and uniformed cops ushering people away from the station.
I was in full pulmonary distress, but it was almost 2:30. I was ten blocks away from my mom’s clinic. I could go there for medicine or to try to make it to work. I hailed a cab and decided to try to get to my office, but if I felt worse by the time I passed her job, I would get out there.

Of course, I didn’t feel worse until I was almost at work.
Oh well.
Later, Karol sarcastically asked me if I would start living my life differently having almost suffocated to death in a subway car. But the truth is, even as I sat there hearing people freak out, cry, panic, I didn’t really have any big moment of truth. For all my complaining about not being rich and famous or even out my childhood bedroom yet, I wasn’t regretful or bitter about dying in the subway car. I didn’t really think anything at all.

And not for lack of trying.
I figured if it was the end, I should have some great final realization.
If it wasn’t the end, I was sure there would be throngs of reporters waiting at the entrance when we all spilled out into the streets—I should have some good soundbite ready.
But no.
All I could think about was staying still and breathing through my nose.

Hardly fit for a tombstone...or the 11 o'clock news.

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