Thursday, June 30, 2005
BENNIFER: IT'S OFFICIAL
Affleck and Garner marry; expecting first child.
J-Lo released a brief statement: "Well, I guess my first name wasn't the problem."
USING CRIME TO PREVENT CRIME
The details in the new attack, which were still emerging last night, appeared to be in some ways more complicated. Mr. Minucci, the accused, said that the three black men might have been looking at his jewelry earlier last week, and that he was responding to that when he came across them around 3 a.m. yesterday. For their part, two of the black men, according to police, admitted under questioning that they had been in the area with hopes of stealing a car.
But one law enforcement official said that at the time of the attack, the black men had done nothing more than be in Howard Beach around 3 a.m. And another official said that Mr. Minucci told investigators that after the beating, his companion said, "This is what you get if you want to rob white boys," finishing the sentence with a racial epithet.
Couldn't they have just said they got lost looking for a puppy?
I have long avoided the clever “About Me” summary many bloggers permanently affix to their templates. If I’m being honest, it’s mostly because I have been too lazy to put together anything so comprehensive as to merit elevation to the ranks of Hopey and East Coco Beach --- that is to say, among the very staple of Clareified’s Mount Rushmore: The Blog Banner.
But, if I’m less than honest, which I generally am, it is because I am just narcissistic enough to believe myself too complicated for such summary. “No one, not even I, knows the real me.”
I AM AN ENIGMA. (True story: the first time someone called me that, I thought they said “enema.” I was fixing to fight.)
But that’s me, not Dawn.
Dawn Summers is an open book…er…blog:
To plagiarize a little Tom Petty:
She's a good girl, loves her mama
Loves Jesus, and America too
She's a good girl, crazy 'bout Aiken
Hates horses, and her best friend too
And, well, gosh, since I’ve been Dawn Summers in some form or another going on three years now, I thought I’d explain how it all started.
Now, I’m talking about a time before Annika was a muvian, back when candace blogged from oblivion (instead of disappearing into it), even before I even really knew what a blog was. Hard to imagine, but I only knew one person who blogged. And she was decidedly undercover. I would read “Kashei” only on the occasions when I was cornered during a phone conversation with the “did you read my blog” question.
“Umm…yeah…what’s a blog again? “
After a few months, I would stumble by whenever I got bored surfing whatever it is I used to surf before blogs – probably deja news, cnn, buffy sites, etc. (“Before blogs.” Shudder.)
One day, I came across some drivel kashei had written about affirmative action being racist.
I’ll racist you, I thought, as I hammered out my first comment.
In the name field I had written Buffy Summers.
“Nah, she’ll know that’s me.”
I changed it to Willow Rosenberg.
Too Jewish to be me.
She’ll know that’s me too.
Then it was settled: Dawn Summers.
More me than Willow, less me than Buffy.
I clicked post.
I was in the midst of a huge document review in a windowless conference room at Old LLP, so spent most of my working day away from a computer, but I was anxious to see what the crazies at Spot On would say about my comment.
So a little after lunch I checked back in to Karol’s blog.
Lo and behold there was a message – to me.
It read, in relevant part, “I would like to welcome my best friend “Dawn Summers” to my blog. She is a wacky liberal and I imagine that we’ll be seeing more comments from her in the future that we can laugh at. Bush/Cheney ‘04”
Evidently, although Dawn Summers was not as much me as Buffy, my syntax and writing tone were unmistakeably mine.
I had been identified and outed in one fell swoop.
Although I commented with other monikers every now and then, my very public baptism as Dawn Summers stuck.
I suppose if I had known that my disguise would fail, I might have chosen a nom de plume slightly more sophisticated or, at least I would have picked a television character that doesn’t make me cringe to think of her.
Truthfully though, I rarely think of Michelle’s irritating screech when I see or hear the name.
Dawn Summers is (mostly) all me now, if not her own personage altogether.
I am often still startled when someone mentions something to me in real life that I have posted on this page.
“How did he know that?”
I am baffled when I get sympathy for Dawn’s failings and bad days.
“Huh? What? Ohhhh…right…no, I’m fine. Thanks.”
It’s a little like Fight Club. Rule #1.
A co-worker sent me an e-mail the other day about people with blogs getting fired and I very casually replied “good thing I don’t have a blog.”
And I don’t.
Dawn does, which works out, since goodness knows what I would ever write about.
I am, after all, an enigma.
Wednesday, June 29, 2005
DON'T SAY I NEVER DID NOTHIN FOR YA
Ladies and Gentlemen who were planning to
Seriously. Go see something else, buy a snack, donate it to charity, set it on fire --- any of these uses are vastly superior to exchanging it for a ticket to see that craptacular display of suckingness.
And just so you know that I am not some elitist movie snob, I am the one that proclaimed 'Sahara' (yes, with Matthew McConaughey and Penelope Cruz) the BEST MOVIE EVER MADE IN THE HISTORY OF MANKIND MAKING MOVIES. (And before anyone even so much as thinks about disagreeing with me, you name me another movie where a cannon ball shoots down a helicopter...yup...that's what I thought.)
Which brings me back to 'War of the Worlds' or as I am calling it 'Speilberg and Cruise Vomit All Over Movie Theaters Near You,' don't do it to yourselves people.
Here are the best (and now, I'm not saying good here, just best) lines/moments:
Tom Cruise: And do you have a plan that doesn't involve your ten-year-old sister joining the army?
Tim Robbins' face's first on-screen appearance.
The rest of the movie is as follows:
Tom Cruise runs (you know that Tom Cruise run -- he realizes the danger, turns his face in profile, close-up on nose, and then his legs hammer away like pistons for two minutes. See Firm, The; Impossible:Mission, Minority Report, The)
Not even Netflix worthy.
GET YOUR FREE ICE CREAM
Author divorces man who inspired 'How Stella Got Her Groove Back' after learning he is gay.
My favorite part: In response, Plummer maintained McMillan treated him with "homophobic" scorn bordering on harassment since he came out to her as gay just before Christmas.
I'm guessing he should be thanking his lucky stars that that's all she treated him to.
Hmmm...do any white people know who she is?
Tuesday, June 28, 2005
3:26 p.m. I am very hungry.
3:27 p.m. Still starving.
3:33 p.m. Growl, growl.
3:34 p.m. So...really this has become live blogging Dawn Summers' Tuesday afternoon.
3:41 What shenanigans are these? Evidently Dorian Davis is now a "commenter" on the "radio show." Who's up next week? Karol's brother? Her cat?
4:00 Are there people who read this weekly "collection of snarky comments and giddy mishearings" who don't listen to the "radio" show itself?
4:02 Are there people who read this weekly "collection of snarky comments and giddy mishearings?"
4:03 My stomach has begun to digest itself.
4:06 Karl Rove can't pronounce savagery.
4:06 Ace: "Making a point which seems well nigh irrefutable, yet people are trying to refute it."
4:07 OOOh, I wanna be a Senator in tennis shoes!
4:07 Ace didn't know that Osama bin Laden was such a supporting of working moms. Karol: "he's a humanitarian!"
4:08 Senator Patty Murray usually clocks in a number 1 on the stupid Senators list...(good thing there is not a corresponding "internet radio hosts" list)
4:08 Howard Dean quote "he wanted to withhold judgment on Osama bin Laden" (that crazy, crazy Dean)
4:09 "interestingly enough" when DeLay was being investigated Dean said that De Lay should be indicted. (Does Ace know what interestingly means?)
4:10 Kerry wondered if the War on Terror was really a war. (ummm...I think that was Bush)
4:11 "What Rove said about liberals wanting to prepare indictments and therapy is obviously an exaggeration since liberals didn't want to do anything at all"
4:11 This is now the third time they have told the Afghanistan sanctions story...and it wasn't that great the first time around.
4:12 Twelve minutes and no attack on the liberal media.
4:14 HAHAHAHAHHAAHAH "NYT is now squawking that we have psychologists helping interrogate prisoners in Afghanistan"
4:15 NYT is very upset about just using psychologist. "Liberals don't like war and they will criminalize everything about war.
4:15 Ace: "I have no doubt that people are being tortured in some places and I support that."
4:16 Liberals have to answer the question affirmatively, what tactics would you support to extract information.
4:16 This is the first HTAAF guest that I've actually met.
4:17 Let's start right on Hustler and Penthouse. There is a profile of Gorin in Penthouse because she is a comedian and they do one a month. (No, dawn's blog did not say Penthouse tries to do one a month.)
4:17 Ace: "Will Hustler do a hatchet job on you?"
4:18 I didn't know he was leftist when I did the interview. "As long as you have a promise from a leftist journalist that they'll be fair, then there's no cause to fear"
4:19 "everybody knows the democrats don't belong in the white house...they belong in museums and cafes"
4:19 Are they really mad at this or just trying to create some news.
4:19 No, it's payback for the Durbin thing.
4:20 I like how the Democrats are the biggest defenders of the War on Terror ever.
4:20 Giggle-Mania 2005 Gorin: 7; Karol 4.
4:21 Von Bek! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
4:21 LOVE the VON BEK. "The movement to ban war came from the right, not the left." HAHAHHAA But come on, Ace is wrong about more than one thing.
4:22 The Russia guy wrote to his mom "please this is a resort compared to Russia."
4:23 These are the same people exhorting the virtues of Cuba.
4:23 People were patriotic for one week, just long enough to get the patriot act passed.
4:23 For a period of two weeks there was unanimity that we needed to act.
4:24 "When we weren't seizing a city a day, suddenly it was a quagmire."
4:28 "get me the Oxycontin and I am ready for the big time"
4:29 Ace doesn't read KArol's site.
4:29 Greenville John "sounds like conservative beliefs" Can a Jewish conservative comedian make it in NY or anywhere else"
4:29 I'm not such a minority as an extra terrestial. After all the conservatives started coming out of the closet after 9/11, I finally got an audience (hmm...so the building collapse did not only sent the rats scurrying.)
4:31 Ace(a reimagining): "Are conservatives so starved for approval that they will even laught your act"
4:31 Gigglefest 2005 Gorin:16 Karol:9 (It's a blow out people!)
4:32 "nasueating Bill Maher audiences are testing you to see how funny you can be."
4:32 conservative comedy is about setting fire to homeless people?
4:33 Ace is big on the cursing...conservatives can handle about three curses an hour?
4:33 "Do not switch the dial because you heard Kosovo" (umm..Julia, if we didn't switch "the dial" by now...we're here to stay.)
4:34 We were allied with Al quaeda against christian serbs who were dealing with terrorism in their own backyard.
4:34 Julia "is on a crusade" about this.
4:35 Ethnic Albanian....blah blah blah erstwhile saviors blah blah blah..."my fellow americans if kosovo is given independence we wil have to leave. We are so screwed if they get independence"
4:36 karol "what did we do wrong first?" "our flawed policy started with bosnia which causes people's eyes to glaze over even more than kosovo."
4:37 Man, I wish asphnxma would call.
4:37 "We don't know anything, is what Ace is trying to say." - Karol (Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a motto for HTAAF)
4:39 Ummm...Julia, we're trying to live-blog what you're syaing...please stop saying mujahadeen.
4:39 She hasn't blamed Clinton yet...Wesley Clark took a few jabs for "his friends and fundraisers" who want war.
4:40 Ace(As if he reads my comments): "Clinton was trying a cutsey three bumper play"
4:41 "So what's the question Ace?
4:41 "Anti-semites are out and about and they're not going back" (hmmm...sounds like new york conservatives.
4:42 ring, ring.
4:44 Soo hungry.
4:46 "Why were you on MTV and more importantly why wasn't I" (Ace, funny.) Dorian's "trick" is that he can name all the number one songs and how long they were number one.
4:47 "That was absolutely never a number one song" (wheels in the sky by journey)
4:47 Ace you have unconventional taste. Tehse were not number songs)
4:48 Hit me Baby one more time -- was number 1 for two weeks in 1999. Karol: "See that's skill, whether we don't know if it's true is neither here nor there."
4:48 He pegged a recent song down to the year it was released, I'm impressed (Heh.)
4:48 Dorian "It's two against one, I am very nervous"
4:49 I don't believe that setting things on fire counts as speech, that's violent activity, not speech.
4:49 The reason I am against it they are trying to make teh point that they we live in a racist, fascist country and the fact that they aren't arrested proves that they don't live.
4:50 Dorian: "That's a fabulous point" Love the Dorian.
4:51 Dorian is a Buchanite right wing conservative "and you also happen to be gay" - Ace after making sure everyone knows that he cleared this with Dorian beforehand.
4:52 Phelps is "not on our side" "I wanna more about Fred Phelps before I claim him as anyhwere near on my side"
4:52 Ace: "How does that make you feel?"
Dorian: "The entire liberal establishment hates me"(Wait, really? I NEVER GET THESE DAMN MEMOS)
4:53 Dorian "We are all united in the larger cause of making this country, the best country it can be"
4:54 Hustler, Penthouse and now they are broadcasting from the "very echoy Playboy mansion grotto"? What is going on in that "studio"? Everything must be sooo sticky.
4:58 "Dorian is a bit perturbed by this court"
most lackluster do0-nothing Supreme Court "in my lifetime" which is barely 21...Ace: "God, I hate you!" (Indeed -ed.)
4:59 Ace: I blame Sandra Day O'connor, "she constantly turns the law into dog food." "She won't settle on a brightline rule and ... I won't shed any tears when she retires. Who is going to replace her Dorian?"
4:59 Dorian: "I would like to see Pricilla Owens or Janice Rogers elevated to replace her."
Monday, June 27, 2005
GOD BLESS AMERICA
Supreme Court rules against Ten Commandments display in courthouses.
Sunday, June 26, 2005
OOPS, I DID IT AGAIN
um...so you miss your friend's birthday party, do you
a. Invent an unforseen emergency ('Poor Uncle Fredo had a fishing accident)
b. Explain that you yourself are very advanced in years and therefore forgetful
c. Move to Mexico, changing name to 'Luisa' and never return
d. Cry 'havoc' and let slip the dogs of war
e. wish asphnxma 'happy birthday ' in a post, with the promise of future drinks
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"You should offer your services. Just say 'It's not that I'm a great player, but I can make you a great player!'"
-Karol on my role as "the voice of reason in the degenerate gambler's ear'
WELL, THAT SIXTH YEAR MONEY AIN'T WHAT IT USED TO BE
I don't know why Karol sent me this link about an associate who asked the summers to chip in a couple of bucks each for a summer lunch. The fact is, either they each chip in the dough or the associate is going to have to pay everything over the lunch budget from his/her own pocket.
Now, back in 1999, when we were still in the midst of the financial good times, I was never asked to chip in money for lunches or dinners, no matter how much we blew past the summer budget by. Either the recruiting department at Old LLP would overlook the extravance or the associates involved would foot the bill without worrying our pretty little summer heads about it.
When I became an associate myself, in 2001, things were a whole lot different. I remember talking to now-infrequent commenter, metsin04, about what we should do about a particular lunch which went slightly overbudget.
"When we were summers, the associates would just pay for it, so I guess maybe we should split it between ourselves?" I suggested.
He had a distinctly different take: "No way, we'll ask them for their share. I am not going to subsidize Old LLP's summer program. If they don't want summers paying for these lunches, they should increase the limits or just pay whatever bills we submit."
Now, being the cheap bastard that I am, I acquiesced immediately.
Oh, and he was right.
To be forwarned is forarmed little summers.
Saturday, June 25, 2005
PATAKI DECLARES 'NO AMERICA BASHING AT GROUND ZERO'
Meanwhile U.S. Constitution violating A-OK in Albany.
Leaving aside the issue of whether burning a flag is 'speech' (although one, namely Dawn Summers, does wonder how the proponents of the flag burning amendment would handle soaking the flag in urine or smearing it with dung), artwork is certainly 'expression' and no governmental entity should interfere with it no matter where the musuem is located.
Jeez, do I have to do that whole 'or the terrorists win' bit again?
Friday, June 24, 2005
According to a close source:
"At one point, Ellen planned on marrying Anne Heche. Then she toyed with the idea of marrying Alexandra Hedison but couldn't commit. Now it looks as though Ellen will finally have her dream wedding," said the source, adding that Ellen has always wanted to get married.
No word on whether DeGeneres and de Rossi will be de hyphenating de names.
Ellen to Wed Portia?
Cruise attacks Matt Lauer
When Lauer mentioned Cruise's earlier criticism of Brooke Shields for taking anti-depressants, Cruise told the ''Today'' show co-host he didn't know what he was talking about.
''You don't know the history of psychiatry. I do,'' Cruise said.
The interview became more heated when Lauer, who said he knew people who had been helped by the attention-deficit disorder drug Ritalin, asked Cruise about the effects of the drug.
''Matt, Matt, you don't even -- you're glib,'' Cruise responded. ''You don't even know what Ritalin is. If you start talking about chemical imbalance, you have to evaluate and read the research papers on how they came up with these theories, Matt, OK. That's what I've done.''
Thursday, June 23, 2005
EVIDENTLY I NEED TO FIND A CO-LIVE BLOGGER
Annika and Casca's live-blog of Katie couric's interview with the Runaway Bride is way better than seeing it myself.
OH DEAR LORD IN HEAVEN...
The idea for a reality series came out of a conversation he had two years ago with his children - Landon, 18; La Princia, 16; Bobby Jr., 14; and Bobby Kristina, 12. "I was in jail, and they were like 'Dad, your friend Flavor Flav has a reality show," he recalled. " 'When you get out, you should do a reality show.' "
Doesn't this man recognize a cry for help when he hears one?
HEEEELLLOOOOOOO BROOKLYN NETS
Supremes say local government can take property for whatever purpose.
Wednesday, June 22, 2005
WHEN SUCKING UP GOES WRONG
Man: Heey there. Are you mommy's little princess?
Woman: That's my son.
Man: Whoa. That's a boy?!
Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close: A Review
You are nine, which means that if you lived your life three times over, you still wouldn't quite be as old as I am. (Although, you would be older than I tell strangers I am.)
I just finished your life story. The person who recommended that I read it found it quite moving. He almost cried. So, I thought I would definitely cry, because he is a manly Karate expert and I am just a girl.
But I made it all the way through and did not cry at all. Maybe because we have so much in common. And if I cried for you, I would be crying for myself, which is extremely weird and incredibly sad.
When I was your age I would invent things too.
Like if someone bumped into me on the subway or bus, an acidic spray from wherever they touched would vaporize whatever part of their body they touched mine with.
This would be especially handy for the perverts.
Your grandmother, though strange, sounds much better than mine, who, instead of blessing herself when she sneezed, would terrorize her grandchildren with her dentures in the middle of the night.
She also said my name was too American and would call me by a different name that she made up herself.
You live in a fancy building in Manhattan with a doorman. I live in a crappy building in the ghetto. If I lived in a fancy building, I would never leave - definitely not to go all around the city knocking on strangers' doors. Especially when those strangers lived in crappy buildings in the ghetto themselves.
But I may very well be the only person more scared than you are -- although my fears have nothing to do with buildings collapsing, heights or bridges.
They are much more realistic fears like being eaten by cats, falling down manholes and being shot through my bedroom window.
Of course, we both don't have dads, although for very different reasons.
But if I ever said some the things you said to your mom, to my mom, she would knock my teeth out. Then I would have to use my grandma's teeth, that she kept in a jar, to chew all my food.
I guess the fact that you are crazy and have to be in a class for special needs students is kind of sad.
But I was in a class for especially gifted students, which in some ways is worse because you go from especially gifted to actually quite ordinary just because of who your classmates are, instead of who you are.
It's cool that you get all those letters from celebrities (will you consider this a letter from a celebrity? I do have a blog that is read by tens and tens of people every day.)
I've written lots of letters to famous people, they never write back.
Anyway, just wanted to let you know that heavy boots aren't so bad...some people have no boots at all.
Oh, and my grandfather died on 9/11 too. But for different reasons. And in a different year. And a different country.
P.S. All apologies to Jonathan Safran Foer
Check this out.
Tuesday, June 21, 2005
FOR THOSE WHO SAY POKER IS EVIL...
I had to excuse myself and go into the hallway because I was about to cry. At that moment, the events at the World Series of Poker seemed meaningless compared to the battle that Charlie was fighting. Situations like this make you reassess what's really important in life. Las Vegas is a city built on greed. Poker is a game that often attracts some of the lowest forms of life. However, in the past two weeks, there have been a small group of professional poker players who have earned my respect and admiration. Amidst all the darkness and debauchery, I have caught a few glimpses of the bright side of humanity. The hearts of some of the biggest sharks in Las Vegas are filled with compassion.
GO VOTE FOR MARTIN LUTHER KING JR.
You can vote for him up to three times each week.
4:01 Poll/Plea for Comments: So, does anyone read these things?
4:02 Hmm...is Dorian M.I.A.? Quick somebody denigrate Thomas Jefferson just to see what happens.
4:04 Democrats...taking care of business...working regular amount of time.
4:05 mmm...that tune is catchy.
4:05 Wait...that's what Durbin said? I thought he called Guantanomo a gulag or called Bush Pol Pot...Dude. If he apologizes for that I'll kick his ass myself.
4:07 Karol compares Gulag to Guantanomo: Well, they are both 'not nice.'
4:08 Ace sits in his own urine and feces on Thursday nights?
4:08 Karol "does not remember" Hitler or Stalin's gulags having air conditioning. [Right, her infant memories of the gulags are filled with bare rooms and very little food.]
4:09 Karol has called amnesty international to complain about the torturous cab ride she had without AC.
4:09 Ace: "They have all the amenities there. They are much more up on pop control than I am" [oooh...can I go?]
4:10 Terrific, asphnxma calls again. He likes to see his name linked in my live-blog.
4:11 What'd I miss?
4:11 Ace is interrogating himself. Ace (in his interrogator voice)"What other terrorists are you working with?" Ace (in his terrorist? (sounds more like a bad twenties movie) voice) "Screw you copper, I can do ten years standing on my head.
4:12 I wish Ace would demonstrate the level of physical discomfort he'd like to see used at Guantanomo on himself right about now.
4:13 Now, slantpoint gets a plug? DUDE. If Clareified doesn't get a plug in the next year, I'm gonna...well...I don't know yet, but it's gonna be good.
4:14 Karol: "It's funny that Durbin would make these statements, because in 1998 he blah blah blah blah...only matters when it's a Democratic President. [Yes, Karol, that was funny. Please Stop. You're killing me.]
4:15 When the little initial is D, it's Clinton doing what needed to be done and when it's a little r it's Bush taking us into facism.
4:15 This has prompted him to think about how bad the Soviets were, which is a good thing to come out of all this. [See, Dick Durbin, stop looking into Vladimir Putin's soul and seeing a good man there...oh...wait... ]
4:16 The Democratuic party is a narrow bunch of peope with a great deal of money [I want my money and I wouldn't mind a bit of narrowing! -ed.]
4:17 'Republicans are the nazis and everynow and then we lose control and say so.'
4:17 "Do regular Americans buy this kind of thing? Democrats are not learning from their massive defeat over these past 20 years. And Dems are becoming marginalized down to congressional democrats.
4:17 When he makes mistakes, he has to keep getting worse before he wakes up.
4:18 When Dick Durbin is talking up these extremist statements...something something...why are the papers not fretting about this?
4:19 Well, the papers think Durbin is middle of the road. "Unreality?"
4:19 Where is the criticism going to come from? Who is going to make the Democrats crawl out from under their desks.
4:19 The media believs it's true. That this is not the kind of America we want to live in...and yet...it's been pointed out that the mainstream media is running away from this story.
4:19 They are underplaying Durbin's remarks because they suspect that this is not popular and... [Who the heck is John Birch?]
4:20 I don't believe the media is organized enough and they all went to JFK school and they are from the same ethnic backgrounds. [JFK school? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH Who knew all conservatives think the 'J' in 'J-school' stands for JFK.]
4:21 I don't see it as anything conspriatorial, I see it as a meltdown.
I don't like being running by country club Republicans, do you?
4:22 'I get my hands on paper, I put them in the paper. 90 percent of the press will vote for Kerry and took a hand against the public interest. A lot to be said for temporary madness, because they used to have influence...[oh good gravy.]
4:23 DEMOCRATIC PARTY HAS LOST TOUCH WITH THE AMERICAN PEOPLE. [Dude, I don't want anybody touching me!]
4:24 Ace suggests publishing all of Kerry's papers "it doens't cost anything; but putting out the Pentagon papers cost us a fortune.
4:25 "We're discussing lots of things, including -- 'Get this, medis bias' [Heh. Do they discuss anything else?]
4:29 Right, they also discuss Kerry's SF 180 form.
4:30 Speaking on behalf of the American people, I could care less about Kerry's military records or Terri Schiavo. That is all.
4:31 Kerry promised to relase his documents to these news groups and one organization is consdering putting up teh documents so that we can make decisions. 'because of the same self-defeating 'clintonian' approach.
4:32 'John in Greenville...again' [Heh. Indeed. He should get co-hosting credits at this point.]
4:33 'Any'I've been as diligent on tracking Kerry's record as anybody' --sounds like a tombstone worthy etching to me.
4:33 'he went down to defeat partly because he refused to release tehse records during the campaign' [hahahahahahaha -ed. right. that was it.]
4:33 All of us see something about our own lives that absolutely horrify us and we're surprised that no one else takes them seriously. He's a reporter. [Dammit.]
4:34 "You consider yourself a mainatsream journalist...is it possible to still be a journalist'
4:34 Two ghettos of journalism and all you ahve to do is sign up with teh proper catechism to functioning on that level....but the problem is that you are not reaching the American people [Why are the American people so hard to find and talk to? Dude...I am American. I am a person. E-mail me.]
4:36 Does the newspaper have a future? We're reimagining the media and the newspapers that go back to their roots ...are going to be fine.
4:37 Then they began hiring Irish, and Jews
Anyone with a Harvard degree or a journalism degree should be banned from reporting [hmmm...we smell a little bitterness here....]
4:38 Have we heard from Karol in the past ten minutes? What happened? Where'd she go? Slipped on Ace urine or feces...
4:38 The Burger King ethic has won! We want it our way. Every artcile or columnist can be sold separately and they are not doing thata. He has patents on this "we're going to stop bossing our market around...we'll let them do
4:39 Ace: "So, you're saying the future of the newspaper relies on the technology of the mix tape?" [ahahahaha...might be quote of the day]
4:40 Linda Foley claimed that journalists were being targeted? Either this is true or it's not true [heeeey...that's my line]
4:41 I did online articles about this extraordinary statement and has not split off it with her non denial denial.
4:41 Karol: "Thanks for being on Tom, you were terrific."
4:42 Ace: "Check him out at Powerline blog, those guys quote him incessantly." They are back in three.
4:44 So...what'd you learn today, boys & girls? 1. Media conspiracy to serve Democratic party interests which are all rich and narrow. Tom is a journalist who didn't go to a good school.
4:45 Welcome back!!!
4:45 oh my gosh...is it jeff? teh good jeff!
4:46 'Gays are the new Jews...Karol doesn't know what that means, but she's offended.' Anti-gay laws are anti- 'black and white marriage laws'
4:46 I don't see gays dressing up like hasidim?
4:46 Who is John? Did they forget to introduce the guy?
4:47 The interesting thing about blogs is that there is so much editorial control...tehy decide what's important. 'That is a rather big editorial power' What's interesting about the 'shadow media' is taht they can elevate whatever stories they want.
Power being challenegd by people sitting around in his pajamas at the bottom of a well.
Karol: I wanna be just like [Drudge]
4:48 Is mainstream media on its way out? No. The main thing blogs do is check mainstream media. They've got to watch their backs and try to be more accurate.
4:49 "bestest story ever." Ace got it off instapundit and windsofchange.net (more non-clareified plugs.)
4:50 Hmmm...what was that? 21 missing sceonds!!! Release the whole tape!! The American people want the truth.
4:51 Ace: " blow up a schoolbus full of girls going to school is what allah wants" ? hmmm.
4:52 New York Times to its credit actually running this kind of story...[Dude.]
"They'll be suing anybody who hurts their children' [because that's just craaaazy]
4:53 John Kerry is now a 'democrat cause'? 'The moonbats came out and he wasn't afraid to call them moonbats.' [There's that civil debate, I've heard so much about.]
4:57 Three minutes to go.
4:57 Time and Temperature: 'NYC is beautiful today'...oookkkk.
4:58 "opened up my ears to the other side and made my tranisition to being a conservative (so...because Demorats defended Clinton, he became a conservative? Brilliant. You know what? You guys can have him.)
4:59 "'As a Republican I know, we got a little burned on our impeachement thing. It did not go over well with the American people'
4:59 People are planning to impeach Bush over the Downing Street memo. Bill O'reilly calling himself talking points.
5:00 You ahve tens seconds: I'll give you the last word
hahahahahahahahahaahahhahaahahahah. Best ending to the show ever.
My assistant called the office very early this morning to say she felt 'under the weather' and would not be coming in to work.
Now, I understand the idiom and all, but are there days when one feels above the weather?
On the same level with the weather?
You Are From Neptune
You are dreamy and mystical, with a natural psychic ability.
You love music, poetry, dance, and (most of all) the open sea.
Your soul is filled with possibilities, and your heart overflows with compassion.
You can be in a room full of friendly people and feel all alone.
If you don't get carried away with one idea, your spiritual nature will see you through anything.
via Gib who is from Mercury, so we've just blown that whole Mars/Venus theory.
Monday, June 20, 2005
EVER YOUNG AT HEART
You are Mary Bell. At the ripe old age of 10 you
strangled a neighbor boy, afterwhich you carved
your initals into his skin. At his funreal you
laughed. Your next victim was a 3 year old. You
pushed him off the roof, resulting in a broken
skull. After he was found you went to his
mothers house and asked to see him, she replied
tha t he was dead. You smiled brightly and said
'Oh, I know he's dead. I wanted to see him in
You horrid little girl you.
-smacks your hand-
Which Imfamous criminal are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
via Gib, who, I suspect, got the same murderer all the straight men will get.
Really, the great gift of my childhood was my onliness. I was singularly, the one and only child of Joyce Summers. I have since found that there are two types of only children: the fighters and the dreamers.
The first are determined to change their fate. They call cousins siblings, adopt best friends (whom are required to swear blood oaths of lifelong allegiance), they annually beg their parents for a baby this thing or that thing. These only children marry early and procreate immediately. 'At last,' they sigh with relief, 'company!'
I, it should come as no surprise to this blog's readers or the editor's friends, am most determinedly and permanently in the latter category.
Cousins, while plentiful and most agreeable, thankfully, had their own beds in apartments on the other side of the borough. Friends, wonderfully amusing and clever, waved goodbye on the steps of the schoolbus.
My room, complete with my mess on its floor, my awards on its walls, and my nameplate on the door, was mine all mine.
Alone, I played with my action figures or videogames, fashioning worlds in peril amd ways to save them.
I can remember whole towns, each one filled with colorful characters, loving families and impressive landmarks -- that would be obliterated if an electronic dot zipped by my trusty rectangle paddle.
The heroic paddle wielder would be devasted at the loss. His college friends, his war buddies, his little brother and his young wife --all gone, because he didn't move fast enough to stop the nuclear blast.
It was on harrowing days like these I taught myself to cry, to give up forever, only to realize that more electronic dots would destroy more towns just like mine, if I didn't pick up the controller and fight again.
My mother's curious "what are you doing in there?"s would be met with a quick "can't talk, I have to beat these guys or we'll DIE!"
My action figures traveled across great expanses of piles of dirty clothes and scattered papers to save strawberry shortcake --ever pinned to the far South wall by the nefarious Mumra (or Roddy Roddy piper if it was a saturday following friday night wrestling).
Anything could happen in Dawn's world, heros died, maidens saved themselves, children were lost in space, there were superheros whose secret identity was their own arch nemesis because no one ever needed saving and, well, for a superhero, that sucks.
I would do a hundred voices (counting growls and chirps) and had twice that many different expressions -- I could entertain myself for hours on end and continue the fantasy well into my sleep.
Sometimes I wrote the stories down, or told them to my mom or kids on the bus.
I still have one or two of my construction paper novels on my bookshelf.
And when I was all done with playing, I could prattle on and on to my mom all about the my treacherous clasmmates or my definitely-used-to--be-a-man-and-now-hates-me-because-I-said-so third grade teacher.
I never liked to think of myself as 'having an active imagination' as so many of my report card comments would suggest -- the stuff of imagination seemed so flimsy and silly (fairies, flying monkeys and chesire cats, for instance)
But nowadays with words like 'paranoia', 'delusional' and 'narcissist' lurking out there -- suddenly 'imaginative' doesn't seem quite so objectionable.
Having just seen Johnny Depp's 'Finding Neverland,' I hope their aren't any children (or grown-ups for that matter) who don't take the time to let their minds wander, to invent dragons to slay or supersonic bicycles that you can ride without fear of someone taking it from you (ok, that one may just be for us ghetto kids) or of strange days when marshmallows fall, instead of snow.
It's a lesson we content only children learn early:
It's my world and everyone else just lives in it -- unless my paddle fails to richochet that deadly dot.
IF BY 'HAPPINESS' YOU MEAN CRAZINESS
"Not at Tom, but at the press for making such a big deal out of a kind of small thing. Tom lost his cool because he was deliriously happy, and now he was being punished for his public display of happiness," Spielberg said.
And Spielberg should keep his distance, lest it be catching.
Maybe he should tell someone...
CIA Chief has 'excellent idea' where bin Laden is hiding.
Sunday, June 19, 2005
I am very Grumpy.
No, that's too cutesy sounding -- although the image of the cave-dwelling dwarf with a pick ax slung over his shoulder, kinda feels right. At the same time, fury or rage overshoots...grrr -- damn words. [Insert emoticon of monster who lives in the garbagae can] or [Insert martian with the laser] (Hmmm...our childhood is chock full of these characters.)
Thankfully, (in that begrudging, I guess so, way that you concede a point to someone who says "at least you have your health") nothing really bad happened to me -- but this day has just been rubbing me the wrong way for a good 15 hours now.
Is 'chafed' a mood?
First, I discovered that someone else has completely planned my next holiday weekend without any input from me whatsoever, but made irritatingly sure that it includes everything I would want to do with the weekend. So, if I cancel the weekend or change it, I would -- purely out of spite - be making my own three day weekend worse than if I just went along.
Then, this stupid man, who I thought wanted to pass me to go through the Ikea cashier line -to the other side of the store (because he had no stuff in his hands) -stops right in front of me. Turns out he's holding a spot for his stupid family pushing a big cart of stuff behind him and then, right in front of me.
Add to that, the traffic returning from Ikea (what the hell people, it's not that great of a store), losing my distinctive white headphones, replacing them with some crappy, old headphones and a stupid girl putting her sandaled foot under the heel of my sneaker as I took a step backwards, making me wobble -- I am one grumpy, grouchy Dawn.
Oh, and I could not care less about any stupid poker tournament which I may or may not have busted out first. Even though people were total cheaters with their looking at my cards, calling fake raises, and having bigger pairs than I.
And Karol owes me ten dollars.
And what the hell is with Candace and Ginger quitting?
I know you can't make people blog...wait, why can't you make people blog?
See, today sucks.
12 DAYS TILL TV.
Saturday, June 18, 2005
Friday, June 17, 2005
Tom Cruise goes after co-star Dakota Fanning.
Thursday, June 16, 2005
And I definitely don't want him to be my doctor.
Debating the emergency legislation, Frist questioned the diagnosis of doctors who said Schiavo's smiles and eye movements were automatic responses and not evidence of consciousness.
"I question it based on a review of the video footage. ... And that footage, to me, depicted something very different than persistent vegetative state," Frist said at the time. He also said that "she certainly seems to respond to visual stimuli."
In fact, Schiavo's brain damage left her blind, according to the autopsy in Pinellas County, Fla., where she lived in a hospice.
Bill "I don't know if you can get AIDS from tears and sweat" Frist gets Schiavo case all wrong.
Totally kicks ass.
Despite, mind you, no one bothering to tell Katie Holmes that acting isn't all facial tics.
"Your Mathematical Intelligence is Genius" ... If you say so.
|Your IQ Is 135|
Your Logical Intelligence is Genius
Your Verbal Intelligence is Genius
Your Mathematical Intelligence is Genius
Your General Knowledge is Exceptional
Via the smarter than I Batesline
Or very sad.
Sigh, that'll likely be the Tombstone on the Bush years: Funny, or very sad.
CAUSE THAT'S NOT TOO DEPRESSING
You Will Die at Age 70
You're pretty average when it comes to how you live...
And how you'll die as well.
unlike Michael, who is depressing.
IF I HAD A BUMPER STICKER...
It would read: I learned all the physics I know from Sliders.
Speaking of which, I went to see "Brooklyn: The Musical" yesterday. It stars Rembrandt as the narrator/Magic Man.
I was tempted to shout "sing it, Cryin' Man' during one of his solos.
I thought better of it and waited till the standing ovation at the end. I don't think he heard me.
As for the show itself: it was ok. But I only paid like 20 bucks to see it, so it wasn't so bad.
But I'd say there's no need to stand on lines of any kind to catch it when the tour comes to your town.
I am nothing if not lazy and careless, so send me a message via my "E-mail me link", if you want to be added/subtracted/revised.
I'll probably change it up in the next week and then not for another year.
Wednesday, June 15, 2005
HUG A CONSERVATIVE
Well, this is a start.
I don't know if what Karol, Jeff H. and Jake say is universally true, but I want to take this opportunity to say there's no need to yell at a Republican if you meet one.
I mean, seriously, libs, if you met a man with one leg would you yell at him to run faster? Or scream at a blind woman because she couldn't see?
No, the way to deal with a conservative is compassion, understanding, sensitivity even.
Sample helpful phrases when faced with a conservative:
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Is there anything I can do?"
"Republican? Really, what did you Satan give you for your soul?"
"Right wing? Man, you know, I wish Bush would just fund stem cell research, so we can cure that already."
Oh, and while we're on the subject, lay off the Nader voters too.
"Follow your bliss. Do the thing where you sit down at 8 a.m. and then you realize you're hungry and you look up and it's 10 p.m."
-George Lucas in Cosmo Girl
Of course, this begs the question, is anybody looking a professional television watcher?
Dental & Medical benefits a must.
A NEW YORK LAWYER WITH NOTHING BETTER TO DO...
As I waited for my tour bus at Yosemite, a 74-minutes-long wait because I had just missed the last one of the morning, I decided to wander around the Village. It was a scorching 77 degrees, so I decided to browse the gift shop stock to get an air-conditioner break. After twenty minutes -- enough time to have picked up and put down every piece of merchandise in the store seven times or more -- the clerk had begun to stare.
I picked out a bottle of Dasani water and headed to the register.
He rang up the price: $1.29
Then he rang up an additional nickel.
"Is there tax on water?"
"No. There's a deposit on non-Yosemite bottled water."
"Like with soda?"
"So, if I bring this bottle back, I'll get it back?"
I still had almost an hour in this barren, hot valley -- so I went inside the visitor's check-in center to find something to do.
A small sign, pointing left, reads "internet access."
It doesn't accept credit cards and costs an absurdly high $1.00 a minute -- but I shove in a twenty and sit down for twenty minutes -- just enough time to leave snarky comments on Karol's blog and check my e-mail.
When my time runs out, I notice an electrical outlet against the wall.
I quickly dig out my ipod and charger and plug it in. I place a call to my bank -- the only 800 number I know -- and sit there with the receiver pressed against my ear, while Poddy charged up.
I got up to leave when I realized I left my bottle of water at the internet kiosk.
I dashed back to the internet place and found it leaning against the wall.
I grabbed the bottle and headed back to the gift shop.
There was a bit of a line.
When I reached the front, I handed the cashier my empty bottle.
It was a different guy from earlier.
He threw the bottle in the trash and proceeded to ring up the cost.
"Umm..no..I already paid for it. I am returning the bottle to get my deposit back."
"The nickel deposit. The guy that was here earlier charged me for the water and a deposit for the bottle."
"Yeah, but we don't give you the nickel back."
"I don't know. No one ever brings them back."
"Well, I brought it back."
"Ok. I have to ask my supervisor."
I looked at my watch, I still had plenty of time.
"I can wait."
The line behind me snaked longer. I drummed my fingers on the glass case as I waited, careful not to look back at the people behind me.
The cashier returned after a few minutes.
"Sorry about that" he says as he opens up the register.
"Here you go," he hands me a nickel and a receipt for -.05.
Ah, sweet, sweet victory.
BECAUSE IT'S BEEN EIGHT YEARS SINCE CRIM LAW...
A woman on 'The Zone' program brings her pre-packaged lunch with her to work every day. She puts it in the common fridge. For two weeks straight, by the time she take her lunch break, it's gone. A few times she has found the discarded container in the trash. Well, on Monday, she decided to take action. She opened up the meal and spinkled more than a handful of over-the-counter laxatives all over the dish, and mixed it in. She resealed it and refroze it as usual.
Tuesday she put it in the fridge at work.
As usual, by the time she looked for her meal at lunch - it was gone.
She smiled, went out to lunch with some co-workers and told them what she had done. "Someone's going learn a valuable lesson about stealing" she said with a laugh.
Then, late that afternoon, her manager called her into the office. Turns out one of the staff nurses had been taken to the hospital with severe cramps and diarrhea and one of her lunch companions told the manager about the woman's revenge.
The manager suspended her and told her the police would be notified and that she should get a lawyer.
Now, is it just me or is that ridiculous? How can it be a crime to lace your own food with whatever seasoning you want? Who told that nurse to steal people's food?
DAMN YOU, TONY'S
I went to get A TICKET, as in ONE, SINGLE, SOLITARY, just a space for my butt, sir, to Spam-A-Lot today. Well, guess what?
"We have one for January 17th"
"January 17th. Do you want it?"
"uh...I'll get back to you."
It's Producers fever all over again. But this time, I don't know anyone in the orchestra.
Tuesday, June 14, 2005
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ALCESTE
In gratitude for his guest fantasy baseball coaching duties (and for giving me my team back in the same place I left them -- first), swing by and wish the blogosphere misanthrope, so misanthropic he shuns his own blog, a happy 30th.
Perhaps it will encourage Dawn 2 to resume her sputtering blog revival.
Karol's right. It is nice to happen by a blog and see a discussion about you already in progress.
Now, I hate to quibble, but that first line should read : "Karol's best friend in all the world."
The San Francisco sentence lead-in needs to be corrected to say : "Unfortunately" or "Sadly"
And finally, my latest answering machine ditty lyrics were clearly: "Who missed me" not "did you miss me?" Duh, of course, I was missed, as I am the only light in Karol's otherwise dark, empty world.
Anyway, I have to go sing my "where's my link?" song in someone's answering machine until he links to me.
LIVE BLOGGING HTAAF
We're live blogging from a remote location today, so we unfortunately have tuned into "right" talk radio ten minutes too early. And dude. Really? Are conservatives still milking that Chappaquiddic thing?
4:01 Core hour plug: "Stay tuned for HTAAF with Ace & Karol."
4:03 I have never set the clock on this computer...so I have no idea if these times correlate to anything remotely official.
4:06 Wow. Who knew so much crap was happening in Africa?
4:06 Here comes the music. Will Ace applaud his music tastes?
4:07 High energy this week, Ace says. Karol kinda grunts.
Debate on using torture after 9/11, even Dersh was in favor of torture. (Really?)
4:08 "what do you expect us to use? Harsh language? (no, the line is "speettbawls?"
4:08 Ace and Karol play the word game. Ace: They don't want to see torture, but you can apply psychological pressure. Karol: But what they meant was...Ask a question and hope for an answer.
4:09 Read Time and understand the secrets of the american national security service. (hmmm...shouldn't they protect such information more closely?)
4:10 Karol's favorite part: mark steyn's amazing piece.
4:10 Detainee's pulse slowed to an alarmingly low rate and they stopped the interrogation to revive him, so that they can stress him more...(i saw this on 24...didn't I?)
4:11 Throughout history real torture victims would quote "love to have these tortures" unquote.
4:12 "This is not the most horrible thing done to a person" - Ace. And now, Karol is back at the camps in Russia. They made people stand for eight hours staring at the sun and would execute them if they pass out...is K criticizing that or giving suggestions?
4:13 Run of the mill crimes like armed robbery or murder "get this treatment everyday in America" (And Ace is proud of this?)
4:14 "As soon as people get hands laid on them, it puts the fear in them that something worse is coming." (yah.)
4:14 Producer Liz suggests that real torture would have been waxing his facial hair, rather than forcibly shave them. (Liz funny. More of Liz.)
4:15 HEY! Love me some Cristina music. Jerks.
4:15 So now Karol's all feeling sorry for John Mccain. Or is she just exploiting his Hanoi Hilton experience for ratings?
4:17 These harsh methods seemed to be working and we have stopped. The biggest divide is not between left and right, but between the serious and the unserious. (oooh...deep.)
4:18 Ace likes his knifeplay, eh?
4:18 "enough of that"
4:18 hahahaha is it just me or do I think Nodlinger is a funny word. maybe it's just cause Karol has an accent when she says 'g's
4:19 Cuba and China and "these kind of places that have real torture" (yah, cause ooh can I be in the same category as China and Cuba please?)
4:19 Fear no Evil is one of the great memoirs of our times. That was a totalitarian state. To hear Amnesty call guantanomo a gulag is mean and ignorant. It's an insult to those who really suffered in the gulags. That's why Jay is speechless.
Prisoners in Guantano leave weighing more than when they entered which is unheard of in history.
4:21 Karol: 3 times as many prisoners abuse the Koran as soldiers. (Who knew Karol has been traveling.)
4:22 Nordlinger says: "U.S. is an honorable country" (maybe it's cause i just saw julius caesar on broadway, but this phrasing disturbs me)
4:23 Things could be fairly grim after Castro. Cuba has been abused for a very long time and there has been a great many exiles. It is a society that has been turned upside down. "takes a superhuman" to exist as a human in Cuba.
4:24 Karol says it's impossible to be a good person in a commuist country..."From personal experience" yes...the prodigious baby Karol would scheme and inform to get her bottles of milk in Soviet Russia.
4:25 Che is misunderstood, to his advantage. (ooh...good line.) He was a thug and would line people up at "the bloody wall" and kill them.
One good photo was taken of him and it carried him through history.
4:26 They say they'll take callers. They won't take callers.
4:26 "We'll be right back with Jay Nordlinger" Nope, not just Karol...still funny.
4:30 Ace said "dick"
4:30 Greenville caller, again? Are they the only one getting through. Amnesty International is *not* a real human rights defender?
4:31 I ask for interviews and other meetings and some people who are press friendly and after a while people may seek you out. "I am interested in human rights in countries where they are not covered."
4:31 Nordlinger said "virgin."
4:32 "We're all human beings after all" (mmm...unless you are rounded up and put in Guantanomo)
hesistant to talk about sympathy for communism by the liberals because it sounds mccarthyist.
4:33"South Africa was paradise compared to these other regimes I've named" (riiiiiight. somebody get this man a copy of Sarafina. And quick!)
4:34 A question "too big for this interview" (hard to imagine.)
4:34 William Kunstler once said: "would never criticize any socialist government"
4:35 puzzled by the indifference of suffering in cuba (umm...they live on a warm, tropical isle, with beautiful beaches?)
4:36 I like Jay Nordlinger. His opinions, not so much, but at least he seems ecited about what he's talking about.
4:37 There's something you fail to understand: "Bush can do no right" (Say that again, my man.)
4:38 Dude if a democratic president had intervened in these regimes the right would have been jumping up and down about "nation building."
4:39 Bill Clinton suggested that a "conflagaration in the Balkans would result in another World War and nobody said he misled us to war. (Right, Ace, no one *ever* called Bill Clinton a LIAR!)
4:40 Honestly they want what Clinton did: bite his lip and look concerned and not actually Do anything about it.
4:41 Nordlinger dislikes the word "dynasty" for the BUsh family because they actually have to face the voters. These are all democratic choices. "In a real dynasty that doesn't happen."
4:42 It would be good to have a Bush who was President that was articulatre.
4:42 Jeb speaking genuine Spanish, owing to a Mexican wife. (what isn't owed to the Mexican wife and the drug addict daughter?)
4:44 Ace promises a special guest. ohmygoshohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh is it Jeff?
4:46 Oops...I should have been more specific. JEFF GOLDSTEIN...not some lame Jeff.
4:48 Sigh...he is so no Jeff Goldstein. I wonder what Jeff Goldstein doing right now...and if he would call in and be funny.
4:49 OK. I'm over it. No Jeff Goldstein. What is Ace talking about? Blah blah blah conservative judges in DC Circuit. Wayne's World? What year is this?
4:50 Blah blah blah Owens,..Rogers...Pryor.
4:51 "This is a really good deal and all it does is delay the nuclear option. In between that time it would be madness for the Democrats to try and filibuster anything short of the big prize." This fake Jeff guy thinks there'll be more than one Supreme Court nominee.
4:52 Karol gets to call Ace a big geek.
4:52 I feel that our Senators "really wasted our time" Unlike when they were trying to bring Terri back to life.
4:53 Karol: "one lynching is one too many" (thanks)
4:53"Doesn't the Senate have better things to do than apologize for these things that happened before we were born, well, maybe not befre robert byrd was born" (ooh, zing.
4:53 Against the reimbursement of Japanese detainees (ok. that's about as much as I will be listening to him.)
4:54 "Isn't there a war on?"
4:54 Ace says apologize to everyone. Oh my gosh! Nick from Family Ties should have had a better career. Dude, Ace just jumped leaps in my estimation.
4:56 Doo doo doo doo
4:58 Welcome Back to live blogging hoist the african-american flag.
4:59 Paris is retiring. "Retiring from what?" Karol: "Don't hate on her because she's lucky." Gib had a much funnier take on this subject. To wit: Do we let Steven Segal judge actors?
5:00 "when they're at their early whore stage is when they are most pure." (heh)
5:00 Madonna is going to pull a Shelley Winters. "That's hot."
5:01 Goodbye, Jeff the lesser. "We're just that good"
5:01 Later. "Join us. bye." They went in a whole other direction today.
Monday, June 13, 2005
Y'ALL GOTS TA FEEL ME
Well..,ok...maybe with Michael Jackson the image of y'all feeling him or any kind of touching is probably inappropriate.
I lost my bet with Drobbski, but I have renewed faith in juries. That's worth a T-shirt or two.
As for Michael, he rightly left the courtroom without making a statement to the press. But I imagine if he did speak, it woulda been something like:
I would like to thank God for Scott Peterson's trial making Mark Geragos unavailable for my trial. I would also like to thank the makers of Valium, without which I would have been a screaming lunatic for the past 14 weeks.
Also, if anyone is interested, we'll be having a big yard sale at Neverland, after which I will be purchasing a one way ticket for me and my children to Paris.
Kanye, give me a call. I would love to work with you.
P.S. Suck it, Tom Sneddon. Hee Hee (insert toe spin and crotch grab)
THINGS TO REMEMBER...
Should I ever be tempted to to go camping again.
Standing in the middle of my tent pretending to be a bear, complete with growling and curling my fingers into claws, so that I could see if I bear could smell my chewable vitamins because quote "I don't want to be the cause of a bear attack" unquote.
Wondering exactly how much bug spray one can comsume before it becomes toxic.
Wandering from lodge to lodge looking for someplace to recharge my ipod.
Friday, June 10, 2005
RANDOM THOUGHTS BEFORE I VANISH INTO THE WOODS
If you think that if you fall down while walking downhill on a steep slope, that you will roll all the way down the street to the bottom, you'd be wrong. You merely fall, sloped, a few inches from where you stood and struggle that much harder to stand up.
I met a guy with the best smelling breath I have ever smelled in my life. It was like a combination of sweet and mint that made everything he said seem fascinating.
Just finished Everything is Illuminated. I could have totally written that book. But then I would have deleted it from my harddrive afraid that anyone would ever find it and realize that I had written it. He kinda went the other way.
The five hours drive to Yosemite National Park will determine once and for all the life span of Poddy's battery.
Goodbye San Francisco and racist front desk lady. Nah, goodbye is too good a word -- fare thee!
Thursday, June 09, 2005
GREASE FOR THE SQUEAKING WHEELS
Go read Petite Dov and Rick's Cafe.
And asphnxma blowing his shot at a spot in 'The Crew'
And everyone else on my blogroll.
My foot has fallen asleep. I cannot stand up from the computer terminal.
YEP, STILL HERE
Well, for reasons that have everything to do with my being a complete bitch and wanting, nay, hoping for the front desk clerk to say something, anything to me about still being on the computer (see last two posts) I decided to take this opportunity to read all the blogs on my blogroll and share the most interesting things I have found.
Rick has a link to the funniest headlined post about body parts falling into a woman's yard.
Jessica is guest blogging over at Ace's. I don't think she's written anything yet.
Ari is either getting married or having sex.
Roaches and leaks are making Michael's life discussting.
Matthew Good hates America even more now that he's visiting. In related news, Clareified hates Matthew Good and hopes he suffocates.
The 'no duh' award of the week goes to the "Ken Wheaton Loves the Ladies" post
The 'When Lawyers Attack' Award is a tie, going to both Annika and Ginger.
Ginger also posts on the best reason yet to quit watching television in June.
Yaron will link to anyone. Except me. I cry.
Peter is using his blog to get work. Maybe Ginger should try that.
Gib thinks filibuster compromise is code for "Republicans win.' I agree.
Karol won't date a man who wears his suspenders backwards.
Meet Aunt Esther. Mazel Tov! (which I can only ever write because if a black, Catholic girl from Brooklyn says such a thing out loud, it sounds kinda like Tana saying "bling, bling, mah dog.")
OK, so this is an adendum to my previous post, although it comes first. So read that one first.
About ten minutes after I sit down, a preppie looking white girl, complete with ponytail and abercrombie clothes, asks the front desk if there's someplace where she can check her e-mail.
The woman at the desk points to me and says "right there."
At this point I am still in e-mail checking mode.
Seven minutes later, somewhere near the end of blogging mode, Abercrombie girl approaches me.
"Excuse me, are you going to be much longer?"
I look at the computer clock and calculate how long I waited for the computer and add ten minutes for her interruption.
As she walks away, the woman at the front desk says: "you can use my computer back here."
What. The. Fuck.
Abercrombie girl didn't even have to wait twenty minutes!
I, on the hand, suffered for damn near forty minutes and nearly blew a blood vessel trying to avoid certain homocide.
It is only 10:35 AM.
I loathe San Francisco.
WHAT'D I MISS?
Waking up in California that first morning after flying in, always sucks. I roll over, certain I've sufficiently slept in, to find the neon red 7:49 AM mocking me from the clock radio.
Fine, I'll show you. I close my eyes, wake up later.
There, nice and slept in.
8:52 AM. So's your face, Dawn.
Damn you, evil clock.
I lay awake staring at the strangely purpled ceiling of my hotel...thinking, of course, because some retardo forgot about this trip when they decided to put TV watching on hiatus.
Thinking and thinking and thinking.
Hmmm...I am a profoundly uninteresting person.
Hey, it's almost noon in New York. I bet all sorts of stuff has happened already.
I dash downstairs to hit the internet.
I find some knotty haired doof-ass foreigner at the only interneted computer in the hotel.
She is staring at the window with one leg bent under ass, with one hand on the keyboard.
Her staring is occasionally interrupted with the typing of a few strokes into an open e-mail she is composing.
This continues for 22 minutes.
I want the internet.
I want it now.
Cow face was in one of her typing moments.
I moved closer. What the hell is she writing.
Well, it's not English.
The concierge must have seen the rage building in my eyes as I pace menacingly behind her stupid window staring head.
If you like the sight of outside so much, get your ass up from the computer and GO OUTSIDE YOU, DUMB COW!!!
"Miss? Would you like a seat? we have complimentary New York Times' and I will let you know when the computer is free."
"Huh? Oh. OK." Hmm, did I say that cow thing out loud? With Elsie now staring into the street, I was certain I did not.
I went to read the paper.
Man this sucks. Articles ending in mid-sentence sending me on a scavenger hunt for some lettered-numbered sequence if I really want to find out more about the Cubs' Red Sox envy or why Janice Rogers Brown couldn't spot slavery if someone slipped shackles around her neck.
I rummaged through the Times looking for something interesting.
I settled on a piece about the Yankees' implosion and how Steinbrenner is frustrated because he can't fire anyone over it.
Heh. Stupid Yankees.
Finally, the cow is done.
I go the internet, check all my e-mails, surf the net, blog.
It is only 10:22 AM.
Have I mentioned how I loathe San Francisco?
Wednesday, June 08, 2005
WHO'S THE MASTER?
One night like last night, makes the past two years of playing pitfalls totally worth it.
I went to the Anti-Esther fan club headquarters, where I usually meet up with the crazy redhead to play a friendly game of completely legal...um... Trivial Pursuit. However, Karol decided she would rather clean up Brooklyn's highways with the undercarriage of her car, so she missed the game.
The table was predominantly suited corporate lawyers, only a handful I had played with before. One notable familiar face is the guy Karol and I nickname "The Jerk." In real life, he would be Phil Hellmuth, if he played better...Trivial Pursuit. As it is, he's probably closer to Mike "The Mouth" Matesow. For instance, after losing a pot he'll shake his head and loudly say:
"Why would you call a raise with a K7? God, keep playing like that tonight, I'll take all your money."
Yeah, sometimes we call him Richard. In the familiar.
Anyways, as with previous tournaments at the fan club headquarters, I was losing pretty badly. I'd win a few choice pots, but basically I was scraping the bottom of the pack for the majority of the night.
And, it's weird, I feel like I have read a story like this before, but here goes.
I look down at Q9o, I am big blind, so I check. Richard in the familiar is small and he caps the bet.
The flop comes 88K.
We both check.
Richard bets 500.
I am ready to muck, when I decided to take another glance at my cards.
Not so much with the 9, I thought staring at my Q8.
Richard quickly calls and turns over his K4.
I flip my trips.
"You bleeping slowed played trips? What the hell! I thought I had you."
Yeah, I thought you had me too.
"Yeah...I ...um...slow played them."
I managed to actually take the chip lead by that point.
The night progressed without note until the seventh player busted out leaving just three players.
"oh my gosh! This is my first time in the money!"
I, of the fourth place finish, exclaimed.
Still in were: the host's boyfriend and Richard.
He then remarks: "Well, then we can't lose to you, that would just be too embarrassing."
To make a long story a little longer, since I had driven in to work, my car was still parked at the office garage which closed at midnight and was 15 blocks away. Earlier in the day, I had thought about moving it, but putting it in another garage closer to the Trivial Pursuit tournament would have cost me another $25 and I figured since I always busted out early, I would be back well before midnight to retrieve my vehicle.
Of course, by 11:40 I was still sitting, three handed around a table facing Richard and wanting just to beat him.
But I had to go get my car, so I called an all-in with crap expecting to bust out.
No luck. Doubled up.
Now Richard was short stack.
A few hands later, I had recapitalized to become competitive again and the host graciously agreed to get my car for me.
Richard went all-in and staring my wired sixes, I decided to call.
He turned over a 69o.
Put a fork in him!
Then there were two.
Immediately, I realized that heads-up was a lot harder than it looks on TV. Usually, I am yelling at players to go all-in or fold when I am watching from the comforts of my bed -- but there I was, stupidly capping the small blind only to have my opponent come over the top and go all-in. Then I would fold.
Rinse and repeat about ten times.
I got blinded down so low that I knew I had to go all-in on the next good hand I got.
That was the 77.
He called with Q9, but the walking sticks held up.
I won a few more hands, until I was chip leader.
Then I looked down at AK.
I just called the big blind.
He came over the top and bet half his stack, I went all-in and he called.
But the flop came 77K!
I chanted for the Ace (which apparently is bad form...)
No Ace came, but neither did a Queen and when all was said and done I won my first Tournament with sevens full of Kings.
I learned so many things about playing the game yesterday: patience, aggression, psychology... but the most important thing I learned was that Karol is bad luck and should never be allowed to play in that game again.
Democratic Party Chairman Howard Dean on Wednesday defended his recent harsh criticism of Republicans, including his observation that they are "pretty much a white, Christian party."
Dean noted that he, too, is a white Christian.
Howard Dean is nothing if not entertaining.
I think he should run for President again. Against Ross Perot. Now there would be some deeee-bates.
Tuesday, June 07, 2005
An ad for a gay cruise being hawked on Rosie Blog.
Don't miss the most inclusive gay cruise offered! There is still space aboard our 2005 summer cruise. This year's cruise sails from July 10-17, 2005 out of New York City. We'll reach the beautiful ports of Halifax (Nova Scotia), Boston, Provincetown, and Martha's Vineyard.
Join Rosie, Cyndi Lauper, Judy Gold, Esera, and some of the best talent ever offered at sea. (emphasis added)
4:01 P.M. How come the picture of Karol is first on the logo? Isn't she just a sidekick?
4:02 P.M. Why am I listening to British news?
4:05 P.M. Only 55 minutes to go. "Not the worst"
4:05 "My partner Karol" does this mean they can get benefits now?
4:06 Evan Malone is "sexy" in a perfectly "straight way." "Rich Lowry isn't Evan Coyne Malone hot" ...who is.
4:07 Turns out [Kerry's] not a genius. [This is their big story of the day?-ed.]
4:07 The only embarassing thing about the record is his grades.
4:07 "Intellectually incurious" is code for "retarded?"
4:08 The "Yale office leaked them" against his will. But the media didn't dig or ask about John Kerry's grades. The anchorist was on this. A man who owns a porsche would not be so reticient if he had a straight A average.
4:09 The media loved him because he was running against Geroge Bush. "Anybody who agrees with them must be smart" It's a natural human thing that if someone agrees with you
4:10 I have never met a Democrat that I thought was stupid. misguided? sure, wrong? completely, but stupid? [Noooo...Karol's never thought a Democrat was stupid.-ed.]
4:11 Fred Gwynne had a certain charisma [in a perfectly straight way.]
4:11 In 1999 the New Yorker published Bush's grades [I know the chick who broke that story -ed.]
4:12 Bush only got one D in his time at Yale. [Ain't nothing wrong with that.]
4:12 Highest grade was in French for "haughty demeanor and gallic look" [riiiight.]
4:12 "We almost had a President who played soccer" [HAHAHAHAH -ed.]
4:13 This is boring.
4:14 Being the President of his fraternity is in no way comparable to President of the Political Union. "You have to get all the guys togetehr for the picture" [point taken]
4:14 Even Bill Clinton gets way too much credit for being smart and a good speaker. Name one memorable thing he ever said.
4:15 Is Ace "doing" Clinton?
4:16 "He's a real jackass and the press are jackasses" -Ace
4:16 Maybe Jeff Goldstein can call in...he's soo funny.
4:17 "I had the pelasure of seeing it in Dallas and I think it was the best film at the festival. "Really stunning and very well done" You can download it or buy it.
4:18 "Thank you for being with us" -Karol.
4:18 "That wouldn't be gay, would it"? -Ace
4:19 Ace thinks the show was lacking energy. He's right.
4:19 Full length feature will be finished by the end of the year and in theaters.
4:20 V-day is no longer Valentine's day it's called Vagina Day. A celebration of Vaginas which Ace thinks is everyday...[No comment -ed.]
Conservatives now have P-day; A celebration of the penis. [Oh, college Republicans are so hilarious.]
4:21 Valentine's day has been hijacked on campus [and slammed into the twin towers of sentimentality and cheesiness -ed.]
4:22 "Empowering women" nothing wrong with that "necessarily." Awww...poor Evan can't ask a girl out anymore cause "there's no hiding what you're looking for."
4:22 At over 500 schools they put on the Vagina Monologues. What was celebration of love has been hijacked into a poluitical movement by left-wing feminists and rebranded. [yah]
4:23 Roger Williams university senior wrote a spoof called the penis monologues and the administration started to get worried and asked the college Republicans not to put it on. Oooh...the first HTAAF cliffhanger.
4:24 Oh, the horror. What is going on over in that studio.
4:28 I hate the way the feminists treat women like morons. All women are are sex and babies. I hate that feminists have become the jerks they used to fight against "I just wanted to share that... as a woman."
4:29 Penis Day featuring testicles...
4:31 Asphnxma interrupts...with a decline of my invitation and to insult my friends, nonetheless. What have I missed?
4:32 He caught the dotcom wave at its crest, but was on it when it crashed.
4:33 Bush decided to go to war with Iraq in 1977.
4:33 He has a chip in his head that allows him to interpret Karl Rove. [Huh?]
4:34 Would mainstream America conflate Bush and Hitler? Well...let's see Bushitler. If it's easy mainstream America will do it.
4:35 Malone thought PBS was being dishonest about this protest.
4:35 Surprise! Fox news called him.
4:35 instead of working for start up after start up that was going under, i thought I would do this...[until it goes under-ed]
4:36 he staked out mike moore to interview him. The infamous Oscar speech where he "was bashing Bush" and all the documentary filmmakers stood up with him in solidarity. And he posted that clip.
4:37 CALL STUART BROWNING IF YOU WANT MONEY.
4:38 Oooh Mike Moore is fat, good one Ace.
4:38 Umm...they are going to show a movie clip on the radio.
4:39 Michael Jackson's not black? hahaha, again, ace you are killing me. where's jeff?
4:40 The Jackson Five gets more protection than conservatives on campus.
4:43 Another phone call.
4:45 I am Karol from Alarming News. Give us your money
4:45 Fox News again. Legacy: paying the price for the Clinton years [at least we had money then.]
4:46 did you always know that kerry wasn't as smart as he was presented. Ds aren't necessarily such a bad thing. Might be an explanation for why he kept the records secret. His grades have no bearing on how intelligent he is.
4:47 Is Howard Dean imploding again?
4:47 Hard to oust a sitting Chairman unless your party has your White House.
4:48 This is so predictable. With Howard Dean saying that he hates Republicans because he is appealing to people who supported his short Presidential run.
4:49 shouldn't the democrats be reaching out to new people? yes, unless your chair is howard dean.
4:49 there's a reason they'll never put dean against melman in a debate because melman would eat his lunch. -lowry.
4:50 There are republican bomb throwers, but they aren't the head of the party.
how do they continue with the myth that they are losing because they are polite?
4:51 a lot of it is self delusion and self-gratification. there are a lot of liberals who love what howard dean says. it amkes them feel good. This isn't a unique phenomenon to the left, teh right was similar during the Clinton years.
4:51 The dems don't have a substantive positive agenda.
4:52 harry reid asked about his loser and liar comment. He apologized for loser, but stuck with liar.
4:52 A caller!
4:52 Ace: "Ivan this is not dial-a-mate"
4:53 Ivan: "do you think you're good looks helped you get editor job?
4:53 "I think it was a combination of my good looks and D grades" -Rich Lowry
4:57 "Tony Blair's not gay, he's just British"
4:58 It's been said that Blair is going to give Bush the whatfor. The issues he's emphasizing are meant to play to the labor base.
4:58 Gordon Brown is huge "on this Africa thing."
4:59 This isn't as altruist as it seems.
4:59 Bush wants to try a different approach by giving them performance based grants
"Hoist the Black Flack" gets it's first commercial worthy line in threew weeks. "Interesting" -Rich Lowry
5:00 We'll see you next week? Bye bye.
My first week in Jersey City: come home with my roommate, the chain lock is engaged. Not normal. We kicked door in, find back window open, stereo, laptop and strawberries from fridge gone.
Two weeks later: come home to find my car sitting on the ground with no wheels.
Six weeks later: car won't start. On board computer and other accessories in the car not there. Hmmmm....
-delbrians commenting over on Daily Lunch.
Well, I guess I'd rather New York be known for crime rather than it's stench or highway exits.
But the rally at ABC is only the most visible example of a recent wave of "lactivism." Prodded by mothers who say they are tired of being asked to adjourn to the bathroom while nursing in a public space, six states have recently passed laws giving a woman the right to breast-feed wherever she "is otherwise authorized to be."
Dude, Barbara Walters is dead right...no pun intended, you know, cause she's old.
If it involves your kid and your boobs, I don't want to see any part of it.
Hopefully there's a counter-protest somewhere behind closed doors with the shades down.
Hi. Don't know if you remember me, I was you a couple of weeks ago. First off, sorry about that coffee stain on the computer desk.
But more importantly, you know that square shaped radius in the center of Manhattan?
About ten blocks around? The one named after the most famous newspaper in the world? Yeah, that's the one.
Well, and see, you should remember this, as I should have, but didn't, there is no legal way to infiltrate the perimeter of that square with a personal car.
I mean there is a way, but there is only one. And unless you are prepared to memorize that one and only exact path from Brooklyn to the center of Times Square (and trust me, you're not, need I remind you of the T.G.I.Fridays puzzles where you had to draw a line through the maze and come out safely on the other side?)
DO NOT TRY TO DRIVE TO WORK ANYMORE.
Unless you like living in Thru Street hell.
Dawn Summers of the present
Monday, June 06, 2005
THERE'S ALWAYS THE FALL BACK CAREER IN THE WHITE HOUSE PRESS CORP
When Richard W. Merritt signed on as a staff attorney with Powell Goldstein more than a year ago, the law firm had to be impressed with his background: eight years as a Marine officer and a degree from the University of Southern California Law School.
Merritt didn't mention on his resume, however, that he had just won a publishing contract for a book, "Secrets of a Gay Marine Porn Star," which appears in bookstores this week.
With the book's release date nearing, Merritt told his supervising attorney about it in early March, Merritt said. The firm fired him a few days later. The human resources director told him that, because of the book, they didn't believe he'd be able to serve clients as well as Powell Goldstein standards would require.
I mean that is what gay male porn stars do...right?
Media reported on Monday that Murray had attempted to fend the shark off with his spear gun, fighting it off twice before it snatched him in its jaws. His fishing partner also tried to ward the creature off.
Or the fisherman becomes the fished?
"There needs to be a dialogue rather than an intervention," said Brazil's foreign minister, Celso Amorim. "Democracy cannot be imposed. It is born from dialogue."
Introductions are always so awkward.
Supreme Court rules that Bush administration can trump state laws permitting medicinal marijuana use.
So much for all the Bush states' rights talk. Or did that happen with the Terri Schiavo case. Or Bush v. Gore?
THAT IS SOOO OLD LLP
Russell Crowe arraigned for hitting hotel employee with a phone.
Lindsay Lohan wonders why tabloids care
Lohan said she can't figure out why tabloid magazines are so interested in her personal life.
"There's not much I can do at this point anymore. I feel like the more I kind of defend myself, then the more they say. I'm just such an easy target, I guess. I don't know why I'm so interesting."
What the hell would be the freaking point?
Karol tipped me off to Ace's Kinght Rider post today -- probably because since my self-imposed live TV blackout -- my afternoon's have been spent with a lone crusader and his loquacious T-top.
I have indeed been thinking an awful lot about Mr. Knight. Like how he and Buffy both had British bosses whose last names rhyme with Smiles.
And how they both relied heavily on the skills of a brainy chick to get them through their weekly adventures.
Oh, and K.I.T.T. had California plates and they fight villians that local enforcement just can't handle.
Today I am proud to say that I performed on-stage with Tony award winner Dan Fogler.
Sunday, June 05, 2005
Or yesterday depending on whether you have gone to sleep yet.
"It was doggie porn and you know it."
-Alceste on a reading from "Lassie"
Thursday, June 02, 2005
7-year-od boy accused of beating baby sister to death.
Police are investigating a California man's claim that comedian Gallagher slapped him during a show at a southern Nevada casino.
Anyone paying good money to go to a Gallagher show needs to be smacked in the head.
Now that closing arguments are underway in the Jackson trial and it seems unlikely that he'll flee to France (which was my prediction all along) is there any consensus on whether he'll be convicted or acquitted?
I just bet a friend that Jackson will be convicted, he votes acquitted. No terms were discussed but I'm guessing if I'm right I get a free pair of his designer shoes and if he wins he can get one of my designer T-shirts.
It's not that I think Jackson did anything to this accuser ('cept maybe provide him wine), but I think some of the previous accuser testimony might have hurt him in the jury's eyes.